It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Well, it's been a little over a month since the last update and things have shifted. It seems that if you read in my last post or so that my behavior while he was in Quam affected more than I thought. I felt a big pull back since his return and of course that made the pit in my stomach start to ache again. I will say there is no evidence that the OW is back or anything of that nature. The phone records and time away from home always make a complete circle back to the truth. We finally, (after me asking every week or so) "why is it different". He finally confessed that he felt like things were never going to change based on the behavior when he was gone. That he has come to accept that is just how life is.

Well needless to say I was pissed off because I had been questioning this all along. I don't undertand why he seems to not want to fix things he is not happy about. (Conflict avoider)I said to him:

M: You know we talked about that and you told me what you needed, I apologized and have changed that behavior. We all make mistakes and you should know that and I feel your pulling back because you can't accept my apology and my change. You have noticed my change of attitude when it has come to you doing stuff right?

H: Yes, I have noticed and I am sorry that I didn't let it go.

M: It makes me feel very sad when you use terms like: "it is what it is" (regarding our marriage), and other sayings that he has that sound like he is settling.....I told him that that wasn't fair to me or him.

He states that is not what his intent was when he says these things. To me they sound like a prison sentence and I don't know about you guys but I don't want to ever be with someone because they are just doing it because it's the right thing.

This has been the hardest month for me so far since we have reconcilled. Life is settling back in but it seems if we have a disagreement about anything I get very anxious that he is going to turn tail and run. He is tired of that and says can't we just have a disagreement and be a disagreement and not involved the whole relationship? So, I will be working on that, it's very hard to not feel nervous about any discord here.

He has stated that he doesn't want to feel like a bad person for the rest of his life because he is not a bad person. When I say things about "that time in our lives" it makes him feel bad. I am not beating him during those times but we were living a life then. (I will say something about "oh, that's when you lived in your apartment") He doesn't want to be reminded of it that way. So I guess I just shove it down my throat and deal with it now by myself. But we all know what shoving it down will do, lead to resentment and bitterness, so I don't know what I will do about that one.

I will state again that I hate not feeling safe.

We have made the 6 month mark of the beginning of this journey and now have been back together longer than their whole affair lasted. I still think about her but more in terms of does he think about her? Does he remember what she looks like, felt like? I try to quickly put those thoughts away as they remind me of how close we are to losing our marriage. I don't ask him questions anymore about "her".

Sometimes I think....what would he do if I walked away? Would he fight for this marriage or say "thank goodness, now I won't look like the bad guy" and go on his merry way. I feel like in the first 5 months of reconcilling he would have been devasted, now it seems more like the second choice.

I am very confused and I know this is all over the place but I can't seem to find much comfort in my every day life. I wonder about spending the rest of my life with someone who did this to me and my children. Walked away, lied, betrayed me, us, his family. This will always be attached to our memories of our lives together....at our 25, 30, 50th annevisary this is going to part of my memory.....on my death bed....is this what I will remember. I wish it could be excised out of my brain. This sometimes seems so hard to recover from ..... now I understand when he used to tell me "it will never go away". Well it seems it has for him but not for me.

I certainly am not sharing all these details with him or letting it show anymore as that was a cheeseless tunnel and I had to stop. For right now I am commited to acting "as if" I can get over this, and be happy. Maybe the "as if" will turn into an "I am" over this and am happy soon.

Maybe it's because we are coming up on the one year mark of everything..... as I sit here and think about this date..... he was just meeting her and "falling" for her this time last year. It really makes it hard for me to not start thinking about her more. I will look forward to when the next 6 months is up and all "it's been one year since this or that happened" is over.

I also will not be suprised if she tries to make contact over the next 6 months. As far as I know there has been none. But I will never know till I know. Have I mentioned I hate living like this?