MC, I think my W thinks the same way. If I ask where she is going or where she was she feels like I'm controlling what she's doing. Perfect example. One time in the middle of her affair (before I knew for sure it was going on) I told her it would make me uncomfortable if she went out after work with OM only. I didn't have a problem if it was a group thing, but if everyone left except OM I would expect her to leave also because I think it's inappropriate for married men and women to have drinks like that alone. She said she hated how controlling I was because there was noting going on and she could be friends with a man if she wanted to. Now I know that was probably just the affair talking, but it's one of her gaslighting tactics to get me to back off.
CONTROLLING: "I forbid you to go have drinks, alone, with another man who's not your husband."
BOUNDARY: "Based on what's happened already, I can no longer be comfortable in a marriage where my wife has already had an affair, lied to me about it, and now think it's okay to go have drinks, alone, with a man who's not your husband. I don't trust you right now, and I hope you can understand that and will help me with this."
It's not "controlling" to share honestly with your spouse what you need in order to remain in the marriage. What they then decide to DO with that knowledge, is completely up to them. So long as they know what THEY do, will affect what YOU do.
