Maybe I should be in piecing part 2?

[Hope4us]

Thanks All. Let me see if I can respond to each of you.

Puppy, I'm not going to push any of this until she is ready. I told her a couple months ago I wouldn't bring the A up again until she was ready to talk about it. It has to happen sometime, but until she's ready or I've had enough, I'll give her the time she needs.

Break, I KNOW OM must have some irrestible qualities that makes him attractive to women. I get that. He must if my W (and his other A partners) knows he's married and my W KNEW a couple days after starting work here that he was always fishin. And I can see what you mean about a "ladies man" picking her. It probably was the biggest form of flattery for a MLC approaching woman. And I guarantee he's great at manipulating hurting women. His W told me that "he knows all the right things to say". That's why it took her 4 affairs of his before she finally is divorcing him. After his last one prior to my W, OMW was ready to divorce him and he played the "I'm weak, please don't leave me", etc game and she gave him another chance. 2 years later my W comes along and falls for it. And who knows if there were others in between. OM and his W live 1000 miles apart. He is a contractor that moves from Refinery to Refinery every couple years or so, so I'm guessing he has one in every port.

WDID, I get what you're saying, but I'm afraid if I don't get the things I need to heal that things may be ok in the future from my W's point of view, but if I don't get what I need then I see this festering until I finally explode or god forbid, do something I shouldn't do because I'm exposed to a woman who gives me what I need. I can say I'd never go there, but I'm sure you and a whole lot of other people never thought they'd go there either. I'm mostly over my anger other than this lingering question of "How the F could you fall for that?" I can handle my part in it. She's already told me the things I was doing that bugged her. I don't think they warranted an affair to get my attention, but I can see how they contributed. I was traveling for work a LOT in the year and a half prior to the A starting. And when I would come home I'm sure I missed how lonely she was by me being gone and along comes someone who knows what to say and the rest is history.

Break again, I think Pup is meaning Transparent in not hiding her cell phone, doing what she says and going where she says she is while telling me the TRUTH about it, doing what ever she can to prove to me she's not talking to the a-hole while she's at work. One thing she could do that would be huge is when my possible transfer comes in the spring, be understanding with me about all of us moving. She likes it where we are but theres a possibility that OM may move back here to work at the Refinery W works at in a year or so and if she understands what that would do to me/us then it would go a long way towards me feeling like she get's it. And I don't think there can be true intimacy if one spouse or the other 'hides' stuff from their spouse. On a good note, I see my W doing her best to be transparent with me. And it helps. She still hides stuff which I think is her quest to be independent, but somehow we need to be able to get her to understand that just because she's married and shares everything with me doesn't mean she's not independent.

MC, I think my W thinks the same way. If I ask where she is going or where she was she feels like I'm controlling what she's doing. Perfect example. One time in the middle of her affair (before I knew for sure it was going on) I told her it would make me uncomfortable if she went out after work with OM only. I didn't have a problem if it was a group thing, but if everyone left except OM I would expect her to leave also because I think it's inappropriate for married men and women to have drinks like that alone. She said she hated how controlling I was because there was noting going on and she could be friends with a man if she wanted to. Now I know that was probably just the affair talking, but it's one of her gaslighting tactics to get me to back off.

Thanks again everyone. You've reinforced what I already know needs to be done. And that's more TIME until she's ready. And like WDID says, I suspect when the flood gates do open, it'll be a biblical flood.