Two days of almost no contact with H. A very short convo when he called the boys tonight. He was sooo grumpy. Snapped at me for absolutely nothing. I should have let it go, but instead I pointed it out..."Don't know what's up with you, but there's no need to be ugly." He responded with a nasty, "I wasn't being ugly." I said, "Just thought I'd point it out to you in case you didn't know. You are being ugly for no reason for sure." He said (in a nasty tone), "Well, sorry then." I just said, "Okay. Goodnight." And, I hung up. I guess I do take comfort in knowing that whatever it was didn't come from here...he's not talked to me since Saturday, so, he can't be irritated at me!
I did get a phone call from the woman who's H died in June starting all this...the one who confirmed H's A with OW. I haven't talked to her since early August...she just kept wanting to talk about H and OW, and I just told her I couldn't be her friend if she was going to harbor so much anger at them (for work reasons...nothing to do with me...she covered for them for nearly 2 years).
It was strange to hear from her. She sounds like she's in a little better place than she was. She was going to a grief recovery group meeting tonight. That's good that she's gotten some help. She invited me to her b'day party in late November. I told her I'd have to see...I have the boys that weekend. I'm just not sure about being her friend. She knows too much about my life...stuff I don't even know. And, I certainly don't want to find out any more than I already know!!!
That's all I have. Had dinner with friends at Chick-fil-a tonight. Kids played in the play area. Mom and dad are coming for the school holiday tomorrow. H already indicated that he might not be able to make the football game tomorrow afternoon. He's got something for work that might not be over in time. I don't know if that's true or if he's just afraid to see my mom and dad!!! But, either way, S6 will be disappointed, and I guess H didn't tell him.
H did want me to approve his missing the game. That was a little strange. He went to some Veteran's Day program at the school today, so when he said he might miss the game, he reminded me that he had been at the program today. I just said, "H, you won't always be able to attend all the events. They'll understand that." Interesting that he cares that I think he's a good dad!
So, I've got to look around FB for TxMom. Having trouble. If you are out there, TxMom, help me out!!!
Love to all! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
hey sis, love you!! men are strange, i dont know what to think about them at all anymore!! we will make it
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Okay...let's say maybe just the walk-aways. I never remember thinking men were that strange before this. Yes, I do remember thinking that I didn't understand some of the things they did or liked, etc., but I don't think I believed them as a group to be "strange!"
BG, I hope your hand is better. I'm worried about you and your injuries...maybe you shouldn't be allowed to leave your chair today!!!
Love to you guys! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
she just kept wanting to talk about H and OW, and I just told her I couldn't be her friend if she was going to harbor so much anger at them (for work reasons...nothing to do with me...she covered for them for nearly 2 years).
Sounds like her resentment, anger or guilt were tearing at her so she called you to maybe find relief. She is mad at H and OW for putting her in this position and figures she would call the person most likely who would back up her anger. I wonder if she is even thinking her H was taken away because "I was this bad person who covered up Amy's H's affair with OW." Just a thought as I read through this. She was looking for more than just shooting the breeze I would think. Would that fit who she is in your opinion?
Last edited by Little Engine; 11/11/0803:09 PM.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
LE...yea. I hadn't thought about it that way. When her H died, I was right there to help her out. I spent a week of my life making sure there was food at the house and that she ate something; talking to the coroner to get the death certificate issued; helping her go through his stuff; making sure there was toilet paper in the bathroom for the guests she had; making lists with her of all that needed to be taken care of and assigning folks to take care of the items on the list; talking to her for hours on end while she made no sense at all. Don't get me wrong, H was there...he just wasn't much support. OW was there as well. But, I was definitely the most caring of the group. They mostly sat around and drank beer...it was kind of disgusting when you think about it.
So, after some of the crisis died down I called her for a while. I took the boys to see her. I tried to be a friend. During some of that time OW was staying at her house and apparently on at least one occasion, "pretended" to go to work so that she and H could take my boat out for a day on the water.
After she decided not to go back to work, they got angry with her...so much for unconditional love. She and I still talked almost daily for a few weeks after that. Then, she "spilled" the beans. She said just enough for me to question her...she didn't actually tell me until I pushed a little. But, wow, then she just let the flood spill out. I told her after that first talk that I didn't want to discuss it anymore, but she couldn't let it go. Everytime she called, she'd start about them almost immediately. I finally just had to tell her that I couldn't be her friend if she kept talking about their A. So, we haven't talked since August...right after I confronted H about the A.
Yesterday was weird. You are right...she's resentful still. And, maybe she does feel guilty about hiding it. At the time, she and I weren't close. We knew each other, but she thought H was the greatest thing since sliced bread. After she lost her H and I was so much support for her, I'm sure she began to see things in a different light...and that's when she started feeling guilty.
She's very unstable...I don't know if she was before, but she is now. She's Catholic, but not a faithful Christian, so, you may be right...she may feel she's being punished for keeping their secrets. I don't know.
I would like to be able to help her cope, but I can't risk my sanity...hearing details about H's affair will not help my case at this point. And, after talking to her yesterday, I'm not sure she's moved past needing to tell me the details. She asked if H had ever come home. I simply said, "No. But, I'm doing well." Then she said, "I can't believe he won't come home, Amy. I mean, I heard him say she's a s$@*. So, I don't think he really wants to be with her." I just said, "Hey. We aren't gonna discuss any of that, okay?" She moved onto something else...but, it was enough to make me wary.
Hope you are doing well today! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Is it possible that her resentment stems from H and OW creating a hostile work environment? Her H dies and she felt like quitting was the only option? Now she is missing the daily interaction of working with other people and she is angry with H and OW for putting her in this position? I read the article on TxMom's thread from Psychology Today about affairs and it said that the people who get the most enjoyment from infidelity aren't the participants, but the observers. It didn't say anyhting about the enablers and I would think that is what she might be feeling.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
I read that article too...I think H's affair is the accidental version, and then he adopted the #4 excuse for the A...that his W wasn't the right one for him or he never would have cheated. I'm concerned, however, that OW might be the spider!!! I guess if she is, then she'll be done with him once he D's me. Oh well, time will tell.
There's been no more mention of the D settlement. I think for him, financially, he thinks it's better to wait, so, he'll just keep putting it off until he has to have it. I guess I just don't want it, so, I'm waiting too. Is that wrong? Should I pursue it since he's obviously not interested in coming home?
I also had made it clear that he needed to get his things out of the house over Thanksgiving. He's not mentioned that either...although, he did take all of his clothes a few weekends back. Do I mention that or just let it ride? I guess his stuff is not in my way, and I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him out, but do you think by not pushing the issue he thinks I'm being wimpy?
Why do I still care what he thinks???
I sent a TM last night to offer to keep the kids on Wed. night. During his grumpy 1 minute phone convo with me last night he indicated that he would try to be back in time on Friday to get the kids since he had a business trip he had to take. I reminded him that I was flying out on Friday early afternoon...he said, "I know, I know." So, after I thought about it, I figured he could leave earlier on Thursday morning for his trip if the kids stayed with me and he didn't have to take them to school on Thursday.
So, I sent a TM that said..."boys can stay here wed. night if that would help you." I got no response. That kind of irritated me. So, this morning at 7:45 I sent a TM that said, "I don't know if you are getting my TM's since you don't acknowledge them. But, I just wanted to wish you good luck on your inspection this afternoon." So, about 30 minutes later he sends this: "Sry. Already in bed when u txt. Had 2 run today then meet security @ bldg 2 get alarm working before inspection. As for trip, I will leave after I drop the boys at school. Thx 4 offer and luck with pharmacy board."
I should really just leave things alone! I should make him ask me if he needs help, right? I shouldn't be offering to keep the boys on his nights. I'm afraid he wouldn't ask. He is dead set on proving he's the best dad in the whole wide world. I should just stand back and let him prove it!
One day this will get easier...that's what a friend told me recently!!!
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I should really just leave things alone! I should make him ask me if he needs help, right? I shouldn't be offering to keep the boys on his nights. I'm afraid he wouldn't ask. He is dead set on proving he's the best dad in the whole wide world. I should just stand back and let him prove it!
I think that you answered your own question here.
Oh, and if you're trying to save the M; yes, wait!!
