I think I'm done......saddened, but strong.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a major melt down last night. I thought I had understood what it is to be depressed, but I've never felt the way I felt last night and I NEVER want to again. I truly sincerely wanted to be dead and it scared the hell out of me! I knew intellectually it was just depression, chemicals in the brain, and that it would pass. I knew I wouldn't do it, if for no other reason than it's a cop out and I would never put my kids through that. But the feelings were so strong! And I am so angry at myself for letting my H and the sitch have that power over me!

This morning I talked to H on the phone and he was mostly sympathetic to the difficulty with my moods (I am going to talk to the Dr to increase my meds if this continues). H said he is ready make "amends" as best he can by coming to MC and being honest finally, but he still doesn't think we want the same things (although he also says he still doesn't know what he wants). And he is not willing to make any "commitments or promises" (which I truly don't expect anyway). This is so hard!!! I keep giving myself 2x4's, telling myself to be patient! I know if I don't cool it, I'll push him away! But these emotions since I found out about his infidelity are killing me! And last night I read that the virus for cervical cancer can't be tested on a man so that's one more reason OW has to step up and take the tests. But she is balking because she just started a new job and can't get time off and doesn't have the money (boo-hoo-hoo for the slut!).......But, I don't think I can take the "not knowing" for months! H thinks I am being paranoid, and I know I am, but I can't seem to help it!

He insists it's only the one time and they knew immediately it was a mistake and he seeems genuinely remorseful. He even said that when he told me earlier that he wasn't sorry that "it" happened, that was just him trying to be "macho man" but it wasn't true. I should be happy that he is taking the step of MC and willing to open up there. I should be happy that he seems genuinely remorseful for the pain he's caused and wants to do the right thing finally (although we may differ on what the "right thing" is). He's still walking away I think, but maybe that's better than running away?

I don't know. I'm so scared and nervous about our MC session on Thursday. I feel like everything is riding on that. I know I need to calm down and think clearly. I am sooooooo mad at myself right now!!! I was doing so well, and now this week I feel like all my hard work just went down the drain!

I did call H again just a little bit ago and thanked him for his calm demeanor in my meltdown this morning. I told him I knew this was hard for him and I just wanted him to know that I do recognize his genuine effort in keeping his cool (that's a 180 for him) and that it was helpful to me and much appreciated.

I'm still depressed and scared and angry at myself. But I guess I should take comfort that the game isn't over yet.....??