I think I'm done......saddened, but strong.....

[job]

S,

How is your son today? Doing okay?

I would give the books to the C and allow him to hand them to your h. Your h may be more receptive to reading them if the C gives them to him since he recommended them as well.

For now, sit quietly, but continue to work on financial situation. It might be best not to show your entire hand of cards to your h for a while. Some things, you will need to keep to yourself...just for now.

As for the bed...once it's stripped down, aired, etc., it will be just a bed once again. Right now, you are thinking thoughts that you need not allow to take up so much room in your head. Your h, if he moves back home, may need that bed and I wouldn't want to see him sleeping w/your son or kicking your son out of his own bed. The couch isn't such a hot idea either.

It's rough road, but you can handle it. You are a strong, independent woman and knows what she needs to do to get through this. Listen, allow him to lead (as if you were dancing) and keep your cards close to the vest for now.

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a major melt down last night. I thought I had understood what it is to be depressed, but I've never felt the way I felt last night and I NEVER want to again. I truly sincerely wanted to be dead and it scared the hell out of me! I knew intellectually it was just depression, chemicals in the brain, and that it would pass. I knew I wouldn't do it, if for no other reason than it's a cop out and I would never put my kids through that. But the feelings were so strong! And I am so angry at myself for letting my H and the sitch have that power over me!

This morning I talked to H on the phone and he was mostly sympathetic to the difficulty with my moods (I am going to talk to the Dr to increase my meds if this continues). H said he is ready make "amends" as best he can by coming to MC and being honest finally, but he still doesn't think we want the same things (although he also says he still doesn't know what he wants). And he is not willing to make any "commitments or promises" (which I truly don't expect anyway). This is so hard!!! I keep giving myself 2x4's, telling myself to be patient! I know if I don't cool it, I'll push him away! But these emotions since I found out about his infidelity are killing me! And last night I read that the virus for cervical cancer can't be tested on a man so that's one more reason OW has to step up and take the tests. But she is balking because she just started a new job and can't get time off and doesn't have the money (boo-hoo-hoo for the slut!).......But, I don't think I can take the "not knowing" for months! H thinks I am being paranoid, and I know I am, but I can't seem to help it!

He insists it's only the one time and they knew immediately it was a mistake and he seeems genuinely remorseful. He even said that when he told me earlier that he wasn't sorry that "it" happened, that was just him trying to be "macho man" but it wasn't true. I should be happy that he is taking the step of MC and willing to open up there. I should be happy that he seems genuinely remorseful for the pain he's caused and wants to do the right thing finally (although we may differ on what the "right thing" is). He's still walking away I think, but maybe that's better than running away?

I don't know. I'm so scared and nervous about our MC session on Thursday. I feel like everything is riding on that. I know I need to calm down and think clearly. I am sooooooo mad at myself right now!!! I was doing so well, and now this week I feel like all my hard work just went down the drain!

I did call H again just a little bit ago and thanked him for his calm demeanor in my meltdown this morning. I told him I knew this was hard for him and I just wanted him to know that I do recognize his genuine effort in keeping his cool (that's a 180 for him) and that it was helpful to me and much appreciated.

I'm still depressed and scared and angry at myself. But I guess I should take comfort that the game isn't over yet.....??

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Snodderly.

Apparently, you were posting to me while I was writing the above. I had a really tough night. The only positive thing I can say is that at least my kids didn't see it. They were asleep. So, what are your thoughts? I'm a hopeless cause aren't I.......

[job]

S,
You aren't hopeless, but you've got to find a way to deal w/your emotions w/o getting your h involved. He's a mess himself and if he can't help himself, he can't help you either. Come here to have your meltdowns.

Now, about the ow, what makes you think she's got the germ and has passed it on to your h? You do realize that you have no control over her, nor can you demand she be tested. The only person you have control over is yourself and you can be tested periodically, if you are scared that you have been exposed to it.

You'll find a way through the maze of emotions and get on the right track in time, but for now, definitely come here to vent.

The game isn't over, but if you continue to meltdown in front of him, you will surely shove him away further than he already is.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, Snodderly.

It's very hard for me because I have a history of panic disorder and my H has always been there for me to help me get through it. And he has said I can call if I need to for that. Last night was different. I've never felt that way before. It was sort of a surreal pure anguish and I felt like I would do anything to make it end, and that made me scared that I was really loosing it! I've hear that people who have tried to commit suicide, sometimes don't even remember doing it! So, I even had some wierd fears that if I fell asleep, maybe I could do something in my sleep and my kids would find me......I think this was a kind of panic attack, but I am very familiar with those and this one had a very different edge to it that was not fun! But, I did write furiously in my journal to try to just get those emotions OUT! And, after I see how things go at MC on Thursday, I very well may talk to my Dr about going back on the higher dosage of AD that I am currently on. I don't really want to because I have been working on being healthy and getting off non-natural substances as much as possible. But, I also have never agreed with the idea that it's noble to sit and suffer in silence.

My H did seem to appreciate the thank you I gave him about his understanding and sympathy for me this morning, and said he might see me tonight when he comes to look at the wrecked car. I will endeavor to be calm and pleasant. I thought about offering dinner, but don't think I will. I don't think that's a good idea.

Patience..........keep breathing......

[yellowrose]

SC

You are not hopeless. All of us have been through the meltdowns. I used to just sit and sob like there was no tomorrow, rocking back and forth. Honestly I must have looked like a crazy person then but I had to get it out and that was the only way that I could do it at that time. My heart was broken, I thought my M was over, nothing seemed important to me except my kids.

You asked me on my thread what my h said that made a difference. He told me that he knew he had always loved me but those feeling were buried deep down inside of him. He didn't know if he could ever get them back. He liked the changes I made in myself. Once I got past the hysterical part of this, I knew things had to change.

My H used to tell me all the time that it was over and he was never coming home. You know all the same things that everyone on this board has heard.

You will get past it, it will get easier. The more you melt down in front of him it does send them the other way. Once I was smiling and happy around my H when he came over things did get better, although it took time.

Hang in there! You are in my prayers.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, {{{{{YR}}}}}.

I hear so many things from so many places! From this board, to books, to family members, to our C, to my kids (who I try to keep out of the middle). And I just second guess everything I do!

I have always been a person that wears my heart on my sleeve, and always been completely open to my H. So, "giving space", is so foreign to me! I try. I really do!! I even got a tatoo of the chinese konji symbol for "patience" (I almost got "strength" but I figured I actually had that, at least up to last week, but patience was what I really needed help with). H is so "conservative" if he ever sees the tatoo, he'll probably roll his eyes and say "See how different we are!" and use it as one more reason we shouldn't be together. [Although he did like the hummingbird I got several years ago when I was 40.

**Keep Breathing**

[Dawn of Hope]

I hear so many things from so many places! From this board, to books, to family members, to our C, to my kids (who I try to keep out of the middle). And I just second guess everything I do!

SC,
I think your best bet is to pick an approach and stick with it. Not a rut--but if you think that DBing gives you the best chance of saving yourself and restoring your marriage, follow it faithfully, and don't let yourself lose focus because of other books, or people in RL (who usually will give you anti-DB advice, because they don't like seeing you in pain, and they think that splitting up is a quick fix to your problems). This board helps people every day, and also helps save your RL friends from getting so burned out listening to you! (I'm guilty of causing that!)

I have always been a person that wears my heart on my sleeve, and always been completely open to my H. So, "giving space", is so foreign to me! I try. I really do!!

Me too. I am pretty good at it by now. Practice, practice, practice!! I have had suicidal depression for almost 30 years, and during most of that time have had a strong tendency to focus on the negatives, even publicly. Since the bomb, I have been working very, very hard to do the opposite, and focus on the positives...especially when with my H. It's a good thing our interactions are so brief (about 2 minutes a day)--there have been lots of times that was all the "happy" I had in me for the day! This is where you have to concentrate on "faking it till you make it." You will make it, but it will take a while. And having the ADs working well for you will help a lot. BTW, I don't have experience with panic attacks, but your experience of wanting to be dead is EXTREMELY familiar to me--a way of life, you might say. The ADs help a lot.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[Treese]

Silent....I wanted to send you a quick note to tell you...

shhhhh....I got a tattoo also...it is 2 day lillies (they mean new beginnings) with 3 leaves that have my childrens names in each one....I love it....I did it for me and my H saw it by accident..because its in a place no one can see....he was like, "OMG, I can't believe you did that"...and sighed, made noises, just dissatisfaction....oh well....I walked away...it was for me not him....

I just had to share that with you...I also wear my heart on my sleeve....it's tough....I'm learning though...slowly...

[happynow]

SC,

You hang in there girl!!! You are going to be fine & it sounds like your H wants to work on the M, that is great!!!! If you have read anything about my sitch you know that was not the case with my H.

I know what you mean about backing off & giving your H space, but from what I understand that is exactly what you need to do.

Patience! Prayer!

((((HUGS)))