Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

[Sophie]

UH_OH....do 180"s lead to Divorce threats!!???!!

I haven't posted as I have been enjoying my own life, acting 'as if'....actually that has become fairly natural and I don't have to act.

Going back to Sept. We hadn't seen WAH much but then soccer season started.

It was baby steps at a time but with each game I became more at ease with myself and just let interaction with H happen as it came along. Usually he spent most of time talking about his job, asking me about the kids or the weather.

It got to be a tad boring, I must say.

Anyway, sometimes he'd hang out with the kids after the game if it was on a Saturday, sometimes he's go to work.

Whenever he brought the kids here, he'd come in and hang around. He never left in a hurry. Sometimes he'd eat dinner because I was making it for the kids and he was just there.

The week of Halloween, H came over to carve pumpkins. H seemed to have a great time; very relaxed and talking to everyone.

Halloween, he came over to help the kids trick or treat through the neighborhood, but they all went their seperate ways. I felt a little awkward when it was just him and I and said, 'I guess this is like the empty nest syndrome'..I figured he wanted to leave but he said 'that's okay' and we had a couple pumpkin spice beers and snacks and talked about a lot of things.

By the way....no relationship talks have occured at all.

Then...

Last Sunday at our S13 soccer party, he comes to me with two of the 5 bills he is responsible for. I did not reach for them.

H reminded me of last spring when I offered to manage the bills. (Back then, he was quick to say 'no I just didn't stay on top of them'. So I didn't get to explain my financial plan)

I shook my head saying I don't mind managing money...but, why are you asking me to do this now?

H--I am just BURNT OUT.

I was thinking to myself...'you can't be just burnt out on these two bills'.

Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter, here are some facts that have happened in the last 3-6 months in H's life.

1) H had to sell both motorcycles to pay the mortagage on our house.

2) H was within an hour of letting our house slip into foreclosure

3)H changed jobs, but isn't really making more money.

4) H tells me the money he makes doesn't cover everything.

I mentioned that the mortgage we have was within our means when we got it. That both our salaries provide a very comfortable life. But, he has two households he is paying on.

I offered to discuss the possibility of him moving back. I said, I am doing okay now, right now I am okay with either way. The economy, the finances are getting us in a crisis situation and for those reasons, maybe you should consider what it would take for you to move back. I pointed out that he has been spending so much time at the house with the kids anyway. I did say that I am leary of him moving back because I have worked to develope my own life and I am enjoying myself. I mentioned to him, that he probably feels something similar.

I left it at that because this time he didn't do the 'whiplash' reaction with his head. He just sort of nodded.

H told me he would just deposit money every Friday and I could pay the bills. I told him though that I really didn't want to manage his share of the finances. I told him I felt at peace with him right now and I could see problems arising when the money wasn't there. I said I am very uncomfortable asking him for money and I don't want to fight about it.

I also firmly said that I don't have any more money to contribute. I reminded him that when he left I was making nothing...and now I am paying at least 1/3 of the bills. I told him I feel I have more than risen to the occation and that I am raising the kids by myself, I take care of the house by myself and I work all day to pay my share.

H acknowledged he was well aware that I didn't have any extra monehy. So, I felt better and took the two bills with me. I guess the other three were going to be handed to me later.

During the week, I just couldn't accept the idea of managing his share of the bills knowing how much money he makes. He makes plenty to cover his bills here, but to maintain his 'getaway' house, he'd have to work extra to keep that up.

There isn't much extra work now.

I thought all week, and decided that I shouldn't manage his share.

Sunday, H was here to watch a Steeler game. We had dinner, and a fairly relaxing day. I had told him I didn't want to do the bills the day before but that we could talk about alternative plans.

After the kids went to bed, I asked him again why he wanted me to handle everything.

I asked him what he is 'burned out' about.

H said he is burnt emotionally, physically, financially. I thought he was going to cry.

He is stressed over not enough money.

I asked him what options, or plans, he has thought of.

He said...'don't know'...

I just stared at him. H appears to be in a really tough...or low(?) spot....heck, MAYBE this is his rock bottom???

But, I was feeling antsy that he had NO PLAN!!

H said he's thought about coming home, but he doesn't want to do that.

H said he's thought about getting a roommate, but he doesn't want to do that.

H said he's checked into getting a cheaper place, but they don't exist anywhere near here.

I asked him if he thought if I handled the bills did he think I was going to make up for the missing money?

H admitted that he thought I had secret money somewhere and would make up for any differences. H said he'd give me the money but I asked how when he doesn't have the money.

H has sold everything...to keep afloat. I could see he was stressed and scared. I did a 180 after over a year of keeping my distance....I hugged him around the shoulders. I told him I was scared of us loosing the house.

H then said, you and the kids won't loose the house. You'll never loose the house. H said he doesn't want the kids to ever have to move.

I was crying a little, but joked...'so, you'll move back here before we loose the house...you know, 'worse case scenario?'

He chuckled a little and said, you and the kids won't loose this house.

It was late, I stepped back and asked, 'so what do we do now...just keep as is?'

H said 'we'll get through it'. He took the bills with him.

NOW>>>>>>>>>>>>this morning I get this email from H:

Hi,

I'm Sorry I shut down on you the other night, I just didn't know how to tell you that i have already filed for a divorce.
Look I really don't want bad things for you.
I don't want you to lose the house or your life, I know you have worked really hard at it.
We have been in a stalemate for years now and it is time. I don't want this to get really ugly for either one of us or the kids. The uglier it gets the more money and pain it will cost all of us.
I'm sorry you are getting this via E-mail, but it's the only way for me to express myself.
We will all get through this and i hope that one day we could be friends if at all possible.
Sincerely,
H

Okay...

How's he going to make this happen?
How's a D going to help his money problem?
H left us, abandoned me and the kids, had an affair.
How does he go from all this family time to a D?

A huge part of me feels this is a 'button'...he's thrown the D at me in heated arguments in the past.
I haven't heard the D word for over a year because I've detached.
I don't want to respond or acknowledge his email. All I can think to say is 'have it your way'. But, I'm not going to say anything!!

H wanted to reconnect to the kids so bad. I have stepped back and just let that happen....

I need my nerves calmed...I need insight....my intuition is warped right now....

Help...I'm posting without proof reading....sorry...

[Sophie]

Help me stay detatched...I haven't responded to his 'divorce' email for 3 hours!! I'm proud that I haven't but...I need encouragment to continue ignoring it....