God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

maybe for some H's, but not mine. He has been seeing OW on and off for over 19 months. But he has yet to bring her out of hiding. Everyone knows but H has only admitted her to one person other than me. They have never been seen together in public.

She's still around alright, just don't know to what extent. She just called his phone a week ago Sunday night when he was here in the shower. She called him restricted. How stupid. Like I wouldn't know who it was.

Any way. Yes I love having H here. Just know that it's going to hurt like hell when he goes back to his shack.

Thanks AB and LB

[theotherhalf]

H combined yesterday. I would have gave my right arm to have taken off work and helped him. But my boss is busy and thought I had better not ask. So I worked all day. It really bugged me that like the old days H was here trying to do it all by himself.

I met him with a load on my way home. So I hurried up and got some things done at home. Then called him and asked if there was anything I could do to help. He said I could bring the auger wagon over if I wanted to. (I've never pulled it). I told him I would. Well, I get out there and the other tractor is right in the way of getting the tractor and wagon out. The other tractor won't start. So I tried to jockey around it. Couldn't. Tried to start the other one again. Wouldn't. In the end H came home and quit for the night. He couldn't get it started either. D*MB!

I was so ticked off at myself. I try sooo hard and it seems I can't do anything right. I feel so incompetent when it comes to this farm stuff. H seemed fine. He seemed understanding.

On another note..."Thinking out loud"...If H really didn't WANT to be here...If he was "forced" to be here because of his truck...wouldn't he be hurrying to get the truck fixed so he can go back to his shack? I found the number yesterday morning to call to see if he can get the part. He said he wasn't worried about it today. He never called. Hasn't even said anything. Hmmm...

[Andabelle]

Don't get your hopes too far up, but I think this is encouraging. Continue what you're doing, it seems like it might be working.

[a new 2moro]

PLEASE PLEASE ZERO EXPECTATIONS

[Andabelle]

What N2M said.

[LL44]

I am also very worried that you are obsessing about what this means, how long he'll stay, is he back, is he going to leave, does he still see OW, does he want me back.....

Question. I hope I can word this in the right way. I know you said it killed you not to help him when you had to work. Did it kill you because you were really worried he would be mad at you, or did you *really* want to out there helping him. Does that make sense? Are you more worried about his disappointment in you ("There goes TOH, not helping again..." sort of thinking)?

[theotherhalf]

Okay...

H's truck is broke down. He has no other way to work other than my car.

BUT he could have D17 take him home in mornings on her way to school and bring him back on her way home from work/school. He also seems in no hurry to fix the truck?

BUT he still talks about his place. He still talks like nothing has changed. I have no reason to believe that him staying here is nothing but temporary and he will be going back to that shack soon, if I listen to what he says.

And tonight there was a change in his mood. He seemed ticked about something. But kept it under wraps. My dog noticed it too. (I have a shiz tzo that reads him very well, he will growl at H and bite him at times and cuddles him other times. H knows this and will test "peanut", he did tonight, I just said "see" he just chuckled)

I am not blind anymore. There is no more rose colored glasses on my head. Although I have lots of hopes, there is no expectations. I don't have a clue what he is up to or going to do tomorrow. I am just trying to enjoy the moments. But trust me when I say when he does go I will be here crying and posting. It just is and it will hurt like hell.

I have no idea about OW. There is nothing I can do about it if she is still here. I do think that if she calls him again (that I know of) I am going to tell him that as long as she is in his life he really does not belong here anymore. Something that I think I HAVE to say. I know BAD DB but I snooped tonight. OW sent him a text message the 3rd. It said..."tell her she won. I won't call you anymore. I am so stupid. I trusted you. I believed everything you ever told me. I am so broken I wish I were dead. Just remember I loved you too and I was happy with you."

That message really ticked me off. What the h*ll did I win??? I got three years of no life outside my home. I can't drink, I can't go to an establishment that serves alcohol. No dances, no bars, etc... I can't have my shotgun (I like to shoot clays and in the country I need one for rabid animals or whatever). I have to pay out my nose in fines and restitution. I have to avoid her completly for 5 years. (she lives, I work in the same small town, if she comes into the pronto I have to leave) my kids and I will feel the ramifications of all this for the rest of our lives. My H did not come back to me. I did not get my M back. My name will go in the paper for all to see that I plead guilty to 3rd degree burglary, a felony. I've lost my H, maybe my home, lots of money, my pride, my good name, my rights as a citizen, my extended family. All because she decided to f*ck my H, and my H decided to leave me for her. What did I win???

Sorry, had to get that out...

[theotherhalf]

Question. I hope I can word this in the right way. I know you said it killed you not to help him when you had to work. Did it kill you because you were really worried he would be mad at you, or did you *really* want to out there helping him. Does that make sense? Are you more worried about his disappointment in you ("There goes TOH, not helping again..." sort of thinking)?

lwb, I REALLY REALLY want to help him. Like a told a friend the other day...I've wasted waaay too much time thinking "I'll help someday" and sitting by wishing I could help. There was always something in the way, exuses...the girls, school, work, bottom line is I wasted that time. Now I am taking the opportunities. Even if it's the last time. At least I can say I did it.

I WANT to help because this farm was my dream too. Why should he be working nights, out there during the day running the combine to fill the truck, off the combine and into the truck to haul a load, then back in the combine. For 6 or so hours then try to get some sleep and then to work for 8 hrs. Why should he be doing it alone. This my farm too. I should be helping. I should have been helping more a long time ago. I did help. Just maybe not enough.

And lwb, I can not lie. A small part of me does worry about his dissappointment in me. Or thinking same old TOH. But trying not to dwell on those thoughts or let them direct my actions. You know what I mean? Last night with the tractor. Not being able to get the tractor out and over to him on my own so he could keep going. That was one of those times. I was ticked at myself. But some of it was wondering if he was thinking "she's worthless". Again tried not to think to hard that way.

[LL44]

But trust me when I say when he does go I will be here crying and posting. It just is and it will hurt like hell.

No!!! This is what I don't want! This means you aren't detached at all. I totally understand these feelings, but I guess I don't want you to have them, because it means you will hurt.

And that IS a weird text from OW. Sounds like they broke up to me! And yes, she is too blind to see no one won.

Now I am taking the opportunities. Even if it's the last time. At least I can say I did it.

This is GREAT!!

A small part of me does worry about his dissappointment in me. Or thinking same old TOH

I thought the same things when I was trying to change. Then I realized sometimes I was changing things just to please him, to win him back. Other things that I changed for myself, I didn't worry if I was disappointing him.

But trying not to dwell on those thoughts or let them direct my actions.

Again tried not to think to hard that way.

That's good to keep your focus off the negative.

[theotherhalf]

No!!! This is what I don't want! This means you aren't detached at all. I totally understand these feelings, but I guess I don't want you to have them, because it means you will hurt.

There is no way around this. I am human. I love this man and want to be with him. I have hurt every single day for the last 18 months and 24 days. What it means is...that I am human and my heart is still M to that man. And I don't want him to go...

Being detached is to not react to ANY of what he is doing. To not let him or his actions control my life. That is what I am working on daily.

Other things that I changed for myself, I didn't worry if I was disappointing him.

Exactly