We had a really good weekend. Really good. I am doing this new thing with the kids. It is similar to what I do with myself - think about tgraces, things to be thankful for. I am trying to share that with them. Once a day, when we sit down to a meal, I ask them to share what they are thankful for. Usually it is dinner. We don't pray, but during the meal I ask them what they are thankful for. At first they were rolling eyes at me, but it has been about 4-5 weeks now, and they are not embarassed at all. They are happy about silly things and serious things, and they share.
Yesterday at breakfast my daughter said "family" for the thing she was thankful for. My son said "time with you, Dad." They were afraid to say this kind of stuff since I left the house, and the wife locked me out. When I was in the house I would do this with them, talk about things to be thankful for, and "family" was a common one. Since then it has been tough on them, and we didn't speak of "family".
And we naturally also started talking about things they don't like. Which is great. The whole point was to get them to talk. So we can talk about stuff we like and stuff we don't like and it's all good. This is the thing my wife's family never did, and it leads to unresolved conflict and resentment. I'm going to make a concerted lifetime effort to make sure my kids know how to talk about good and bad stuff, and know how to listen when people talk. It's a skill that some of us never learn. We will practice it. By asking them about stuff they like and don't like, I am helping them practice it.
The girls had an argument over what movie to watch on Saturday night. It was a long drawn-out disagreement. It wasn't really about the movie - it was about who was going to pick the movie. And they would argue and then turn to me, inviting me to save them, resolve the disagreement for them. There were some obvious opportunities - you pick the movie this week and I will pick next week. Or, rocks paper scissors. etc etc. But I didn't intervene. I just made sure they were calm and fair, and I let them argue it out themselves. I'd rather they learn to resolve differences themselves, than rely on me to solve all problems. I'd rather have them argue, than have a quiet peaceful house on the surface, while they silently develop an aversion to all conflict. And eventually the girls came up with a solution. And it was cool.
My 10-yr old daughter left her mobile phone (yes, they all decided to get mobile phones with their allowances - $10/month) at the club yesterday afternoon. We had gone swimming, and the girls go in the women's locker room by themselves. Well she left her phone. And she was upset about it, I think partly because it was lost and partly because it was her own mistake. She gets really down on herself. For me, another teaching moment. I empathized with her, it stinks to lose your phone. Then I asked her what she was going to do. and together we figured out a plan. (she would look in the car and in her jacket, I would call the club to ask if they had found it). Longer term I would like her to get to be more confident, more gentle with herself. To realize that everyone makes mistakes, and it's ok. You can work to fix them. It's not about the phone. It's a moment for her to learn, for me to support her.
chicki, what you wrote was really nice to hear. Thanks. Here's the thing: I decided there is no way I am going to win in court. I am never going to be treated "right" by the court. I have proven it to myself repeatedly. Because I have male gonads, I am 50% criminal right there. So I dropped "fairness in court" as a goal. On the other hand, where it really matters, with my kids, I have a chance to "win", and that means, build and maintain a great relationship with them. Parent them as only a father can, as only I can. and so that is what I do.
hide and seek, and being thankful, and making lasagne, and foot rubs and all that - that's what I do.
Hi, SirPrize, You always inspire me with your posts every day! I hope you are doing well today!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Unexpected dinner invitations - yesterday I had a friend ring me and invite me to dinner yesterday afternoon. a nice surprise.
Little positives - my son is hoping to do ski club, and the (stbx) wife is asking if I want to be a volunteer. This is a big switch from 9 months ago when she was asking the court to take me away from him until he was 18.
distance - I got another email from stbx yesterday, nagging and with a not very nice tone. All of her emails that deal with money issues are like this. Previously I would respond - to her attorney, because I am not allowed to email her back - more ore less immedaitely. Now I don't. I let them slide. She is ticked about money. I see that. I don't take it personally. There is no benefit to me copping a superior attitude and replying with a snide "told ya so!" No benefit at all. She knows. So I am thankful for the patience and distance, that allows me to see this things for what they are.
Thanksgiving - This is a new thing for us. I have the kids for T-giving. No wife. No family nearby - no aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. We moved away from all of them 2 years ago. So it is time for a new tradition. It's fun coming up with these new things. It's my vocation now - fashioning my new life out of the raw clay. Much "harder" than living on autopilot as in the old days: doing what we always did (go visit mom, go visit MIL, go to sister's house, etc...). Yes I will miss my extennded family, but I've gotta make the best of it! For my kids and for me. My kids will remember this.
SPM, I want you to know how much I admire you. It is not easy what you are going through, what you have been through, how much you have lost.
But the way you have conducted yourself speaks volumes about you, my friend.
And it matters to your children. They take it all in, children do. And the memories you are making and the lessons they are learning will last a lifetime. And you have made a difference - that is a life well lived.
Just wanted to say that you are an inspiration to me. I'm feeling beaten down these days, but my situation isn't nearly as extreme as yours. You are a wonderful father. You have truly risen above it all, and have the presence of mind and spirit to be creative, positive, and healing. Rather than being consigned to victimhood, you have taken the initiative to be an outstanding parent and are consistently putting your children first. Bless you.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Nice of you both to say. Thank you. I am glad other people can be uplifted. But I confess I am doing this for completely selfish reasons! I am writing these graces here as a way to commit to myself that I will be thankful and accentuate the positives.
I found that if I did not make a special effort, then I was too prone to sink into negativity. I had good intentions to pray thanks every day, but when I would pray, I would often fall into praying for help, bemoaning my circumstances. So making the public statement - sort of public - you know it's just an internet forum.... anyway making the public statement is a way to hold myself to the commitment.
Setting people's expectations that I will do this - now you all are expecting me to be thankful. And I feel that and it carries me through.
See, I still have my moments. I had a moment just a few minutes ago - 10 minutes ago - when I walked into my office, and it was just about time to go home. This is the time I used to think "oh, now I get to go home to my family." But I don't have anyone at home for me today, no one would care if I showed up now, or at midnight, or not at all. No one is waiting up for me. And with that realization I felt a deep despair, a really intense, dark feeling. Just utter loneliness. But I have decided that dwelling in that place does not help me. And so I recognize that I am lonely for my partner, for adult companionshi, for a guaranteed dinner partner. I recognize that I miss sex, gosh how I miss it. But I don't dwell on the loss. I consciously dwell on the positive. And those negative moments are getting rarer. The self-ambush phenomenon - where my own negative thoughts ambush me - that is dissipating.
Is it just self-deception? My decision to not focus on the loss, and instead focus on what I do have - am I just fooling myself? No, I don't think so. But then, I would think that, wouldn't I? heh heh. Seriously, the way I look at it, it is glass-half-full or glass-half-empoty choice. I am trying to develop a habit to see everything as half-full. From the loss, I became habitually disposed to see things half-empty, and I don't want that.
It's like my relationship with junk food. A loooong time ago, I looked at junk food and decided that yes, junk food can be tasty and comforting but it is just not good for me. Since then, when I see a Wendy's or a McDonald's, I don't think "ooooh, I could go for a McRib sandwich." (or whatever) I think to myself - "that stuff isn't good for me, and I don't want it." Same thing with despair. It can feel comforting to dwell in the loss and wallow in self-pity, those feelings became my most intimate friends. But it just is not good for me. I am choosing a different path.
And you guys are helping me!
--- You are going to like this: Today's listening choice: Los Lonely Boys "How Far Is Heaven"
Save me from this prison Lord, help me get away. 'Cause only You can save me now from this misery.
I've been lost in my own place. And I'm gettin' weary. (How far is Heaven?)
I know that I need to change my ways of living. (How far is Heaven?)
Lord can you tell me...
I've been locked up way too long in this crazy world. (How far is Heaven?) I just keep on prayin' Lord, just keep on livin'. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me? (How far is Heaven?) I just gotta know how far, yeah. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me?
(a bunch of spanish I don't understand)
'Cause I know there's a better place than this place I'm livin'. (How far is Heaven?) So I just got to show some faith and just keep on givin'. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me? (How far is Heaven?) I just gotta know how far, yeah. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me? (How far is Heaven?) I just gotta know how far. I just wanna know how far.
I don't think you're fooling yourself at all. I think it's part faking it till we make it, part getting an attitude of gratitude which eventually overtakes negative attitudes, and part--altering our brain chemistry, changing our "energy" so that it attracts positives instead of negatives. Yep, sometimes it requires a Herculean effort. I know well that "no one cares if or when I come home" blackness--it is horrible. Sucks the positive right out of you, doesn't it?
And yet, you keep going, keep at it, keep your priorities straight. Doesn't much matter how you do it--you do it. And knowing how much effort it takes--that's just inspiring. Makes me feel bad for not doing the same. And that's not a bad thing.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I know well that "no one cares if or when I come home" blackness--it is horrible. Depends. It was a big hole for me, for a while. Now I feel differently. (I mean, when I don't get ambushed by loneliness.)
Now I feel like, hey, yes I am lonely, but it is not desperate. I have the freedom this evening to do what I like. Go for a workout. Go out to a late dinner. Watch a movie. This is not what I would have chosen. But it gives me ME time, which prepares me to be more giving when I am with my kids or other loved ones.
