I feel ashamed and pathetic.

[Bagheera]

Good morning, MP;

I'm not nearly as pessimistic about her reactions as S&A seems to be: she's been at the helm of the relationship for a long time, so it's not surprising that her initial response to your taking some of that control back would be anger and rebellion. I would take her reactions right now as temporary and somewhat knee-jerk: I'm not excusing them or saying that you should just roll over and take being cussed out by her, just that this initial 'storm' on her part may blow itself out once she realized that you *really mean it* and that these changes are permanent.

Can you tell us what changes you have made so far? What is it that has her so up in arms? Either way:

KEEP IT UP MP -- YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!

I'll offer you the same advice that I gave to StillHope:

(1) Continue your reading, and continue to look for and meet her needs in the relationship: show your love for her in the language that SHE best understands it -- i.e. don't withdraw and isolate yourself (retreat into the 'man cave').

(2) Continue to listen to and try to understand her complaints and criticisms. Acknowledge them and even repeat them back to her -- without being defensive or argumentative. Just accept her point of view (POV) as such, and make sure she understands that you accept it.

BUT, but, but:

(3) Stand up for yourself (WITHOUT being angry, critical, or defensive) and tell her your point of view: quietly, calmly, confidently. If she starts to raise her voice or become too demeaning, tell her to stop or you will leave the room, and if she continues anyway, disengage from the conversation. DO NOT let her abuse you verbally or draw you into a shouting match or battle-of-criticisms. Simply, listen to her POV, let her know that you've heard and understood her, state your POV (calmly), and let it go. Address her concerns and accept her influence/suggestions when you can, but firmly stand your ground when you can't. Admit and take responsibility for your mistakes, when you make them, but then learn from them and move forward. Be the bigger person and stay 'above the fray' as much as possible, keep your cool and your confidence, and stand strong.

(4) Continue living your own life, for YOURSELF. Every one of us here on these boards has a tendency to make our ->spouse<- the center of our universe and focus so much on them that we lose ourselves, but this is very unhealthy and unattractive to our spouse. Set up a GAL process and stick with it -- start doing things for YOU, for your own benefit and pleasure. The more you do, the better and more confident you will feel, and the more appealing you will be to your wife.

A two-year window isn't really a bad one to deal with -- it gives you both plenty of time to make and adjust to this new life-style you are trying to adopt: one in which you have reclaimed your life for your own benefit and happiness, and one in which you are inviting her to join with you in. It will be HER CHOICE as to whether or not she accepts the new, stronger you, or not. Keep making positive changes in yourself, and put that ball back in her court.

Best regards,

Bagheera