More of the same...

[Bagheera]

Greetings, SH;

I replied to your thread over in the For Newcomers forum, but agree with your shift over to the SSM forum. In your old thread, however, you wrote up your extensive background, so I wanted to link it for anyone else wishing to respond to you here. My initial thoughts are (and repeates what I posted in Newcomers):

About your wife, you said: "She is smart - two masters degrees. Ex Army. Strong. I like that about her. She got/has a pretty good job with the FBI."

I too, find 'strong' women attractive, but there is one thing that you must always keep in mind with them: most women are romantically and sexually attracted to a man who is STRONGER than they are. Not someone who is a self-centered jerk or a domineering bully --> that's NOT what I mean <-- but someone who is confident, has strength of character, is decisive and can lead the relationship, and who will stand up to her, when necessary. As a military veteran and someone who is currently with the FBI, your wife, in particular, has had to hold her own in fields which contain large percentages of strong, dominant personalities, and these are the guys against whom you will be unconsciously compared. My feeling is, in order for her to feel sexaully attracted to you again, you are going to have to show her that you match or exceed her own confidence, decisiveness, and strength of character.

By failing to stand up to your mother/family at a very crucial time -- when you should have been showing maximum solidarity with your new wife -- you proved yourself to be weak, rather than strong. By permitting yourself to be constantly 'henpecked' now, you continue to display that weakness. By continuing to try to be a "Nice Guy," trying to please everyone and make them happy -- while not standing up for yourself and your own happiness -- you continue to make yourself unattractive to her. On an unconscious level, she keeps 'testing' you, and you keep failing that test. My advice:

(1) Continue your reading, and continue to look for and meet her needs in the relationship: show your love for her in the language that SHE best understands it.

(2) Continue to listen to and try to understand her complaints and criticisms. Acknowledge them and even repeat them back to her -- without being defensive or argumentative. Just accept her point of view (POV) as such, and make sure she understands that you accept it.

BUT, but, but:

(3) Stand up for yourself (WITHOUT being angry, critical, or defensive) and tell her your point of view: quietly, calmly, confidently. If she starts to raise her voice or become too demeaning, tell her to stop or you will leave the room, and if she continues anyway, disengage from the conversation. DO NOT let her draw you into a shouting match or battle-of-criticisms. Listen to her POV, let her know that you've heard and understood her, state your POV (calmly), and let it go. Address her concerns and accept her influence/suggestions when you can, but firmly stand your ground when you can't. Admit and take responsibility for your mistakes, when you make them, but then learn from them and move forward. Stay 'above the fray' as much as possible, keep your cool and your confidence, and stand strong.

(4) Start living your own life, for YOURSELF. Every one of us here on these boards has a tendency to make our ->spouse<- the center of our universe and focus so much on them that we lose ourselves, but this is very unhealthy and unattractive to our spouse. Set up a GAL process and stick with it -- start doing things for YOU, for your own benefit and pleasure. The more you do, the better and more confident you will feel, and the more appealing you will be to your wife.

Yours is not an uncommon problem around these boards, but it is one that will requires several *months* of work to make a dent in. Life-changes take time and constant persistence to fulfill, BUT, it can be done.

Best regards,

Bagheera