I guess the best place to start is when I was hit by the bomb. Boy did that day hit me hard. I had earlier clues but I had to face reality on that day. My W told me she was not in love with me. She told me about meeting a guy on line who was more depressed than her. With his help she was able to overcome her depression. I think this was an OEA and I my gut told me a trip to an out of town conference she was thinking about attending was really a chance to meet him. I have no proof and have not ever asked.
What were the earlier/other clues? I am not sure of the exact order they occurred but here are some.
I had always tried to tell her ILY whenever we departed . I remember one day when she was walking down the path to her car and when I said ILY she started tearing up and mumbled something and kept walking without looking back at me.
Several times in the past she told me she believed in marriage and she would let me know when I was in trouble. Well I guess that was her way of telling me I was in trouble.
In the mid 90's I started to become very active in a hobby. I knew I was going overboard and asked myself many times if it would be worth giving up if we could ML more often. I always decided my wife did not want to ML more often so why try. I did start to cut back more each year until by 2002 I was not doing much of it at all.
I was in the hospital for heart failure in 2003. At times when I was in the hospital I felt abandoned by her. I had time to say many prayers for her and for me to be a better husband and father. During my recovery at home she gave me a second chance and even initiated ML which I don't remember her doing much if ever before. I did not know how to respond and not sure it was a positive experience for her but I could tell she was trying.
After that we started ML less often. It seemed that she couldn't wait for it to be over. She would quickly get up and leave me in bed alone. Many weeks later after ML she would lay there and not get up. I began to think that maybe things were getting better. Then one time I felt a little more comfortable and did something I had wanted to do and she got very upset and got out of bed telling me that I just blew it and we would not ML again. I had a “little temper fit" aimed at me” which I am not proud of. Just like a “little kid stomping up and down”. Well she has kept her word. There has been no ML or sex since then.
I found myself getting upset at her and questioned the way she drove, the routes she took and a lot of other little things. I never verbalized what I was feeling but I would not be surprised if she felt it. At this point I realized I was too into my self and needed to change. I made an effort to be nice and think of others. By doing that I was able to change the way I was feeling and no longer was finding her “faults”. I don't think my W noticed.
One time my kids and I were being very quit at dinner. She got up and went up stairs crying. I followed her and asked what was wrong and she said “get out”. We never argued with each other. Later she told me that I was not talking to her much. I would just come home and grunt or speak in one word sentences.
After writing this so far I wonder why she put up with me. I was very good at the time dismissing a lot of this and though we were doing OK.
Its amazing what being told by your wife that she would not ML anymore can do for your motivation to seek self help. I started to search the net and bookstores for self help info and books. Thus started my reading to try to understand what happened and what I could do to fix it.
I started a self help program to improve my marriage as a “Lone Ranger”. I think it would have helped if I had done that 10 years earlier. I am not sure it existed then. When I started reading its book I could not put it down. I read it cover to cover spending much of the day in tears. I asked my W to read it. It took her much longer and all she could say was that it was a lot of repeated simple definitions. I had hoped it would be the answer to fix our marriage. She refused to do the program with me and also said I was not ready for MC. Later she said we were not ready for MC. I took the program to heart and jumped right in doing what I could to be the kind of H she deserved. The only problem was she did not want that from me anymore. She was content to be room mates. I did many things wrong at this time. The one thing I did right was to stop saying ILY. I still think the ILYs. I was able to absorb many of the good points of the program by listening to the CDs over and over again. Most of the points were burned into my mind. Maybe it was just an escape but I felt good while I listened to them.
We went on a trip with our kids and I tried to be affectionate while we were at a play. She could not take that. Later that night I felt like walking to the bus station to take a bus home. Instead I spent the night on the bathroom floor in tears. The next morning while the two of us were alone in the room she told me that she thought that she could ever be intimate the way I wanted again. She was in tears.
Since then I have read many books looking for one that could explain what was going on with my W, me and our R. Last July I came across the SSM book by Michele. If I could not have sex I could at least read about it. I thought the book might explain what we were going through 10 years ago. I was impressed with it but knew it could not help us right now. That book led me to this web site and the DB book. I have been trying to practice DBing the last few months.
A lot has happened in the last year and a half. I still don't know what point our R is at or how I should treat her at this point. Not long ago she told me I was trying too hard. Last week W give me a hug and said she does like me. Several days later I asked if we were doing better. Her reply was we were doing OK. She had her arms around my shoulders at the time.
I hope to give more details and to reply to several of the threads I have been reading. My W has said the same phrases others have heard from their WAW and/or S in MLC.
I am very impressed with the folks on the BB and I wish I could have found it last year.
Me 56 W 48 S and D in college Married 23 yrs W emotionally detached 1996? OEA late 2006 INILWY early 2007
