Two WAS's- is it really meant to be or walk away?

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((L_L)))))

Do you have a chance with a guy who feels that way? Well, my thought on that is that he didn't didn't feel that way before, so it is reasonable that he might not feel that way in the future. So, I think that there is a chance. I'm not putting a percentage on it though!

[Loving_Life]

Thanks for the faith VH!

Ok- I'm going to step back and take a situation analysis right now:

1.In the last week, he has called me 6 times, I've talked to him 3 of those times- I ended the convo 2 out of 3 times. He wants to talk about bills, but all these calls are unnecessary (excuse to call me likely :))

2.Conversation progress
-(7/08-10/08) No talk at all (except a few emails from stbx that I didn't answer) for the first 3 months of our S

-(10/16/08) Stbx leaves me a msg that a friend died and I call him. He has my new phone number for the first time since I left. We have a super passionate conversation for 2hrs- I miss him, he misses me- we talk about traveling to meet each other. We talk about sleeping together, etc. etc. We remember all this stuff together about when we were dating. He wants to meet me halfway somewhere.

-(10/19/08) Stbx calls to let me know he's changed his mind, it's not a good idea to get together. We have a long convo about his feelings where I listen - I mention I'm maybe open to the idea in the future of working things out. He says I've helped him recently, he felt so rejected but now he feels so much better. He's not blaming me at all anymore- the reason he wants the M to be over is b/c of him not wanting an R with anyone (see previous posts) He finally says, well he'll think about it- call me back again in a few days.

-In the last week- I start DBing more- I don't answer his calls, except for a few. I act like I agree w. him and I'm moving on then. He has called or emailed almost every day- but he wants to progress w. the D and is trying to talk about bills.

3. I am doing very well "acting as if" and moving on:
-In July I moved 2,000 miles away when we separated
Stbx actually thought he had lost me and I was seeing someone else when we didn't talk at all in Aug and Sept.
-Stbx can tell I'm happy and having lots of fun in my new city. I keep dropping mysterious/exciting comments and sounding happy
-Stbx knows a few guys have shown interest in me and I have a ton of new friends
-Stbx knows I think I 'deserve better' than someone who can't commit to an R (he agrees)
-I am acting 'as if' we are slowly moving ahead with the D and talking about resolving our financial issues

4. Friendship/Romance progress
-Romantic/passionate conversation, then he cools off (I know I went too far too fast)
-Friendly conversations ever since
-Stbx is no longer blaming me for anything- it's "about him"
-In last convo, stbx says he's 'glad we can still talk like this-friendly'

5. D Progress
-D is in progress, I asked my lawyer to HOLD. Stbx wants the D to move forward as soon as we can agree on our financial agreements. I have been 'acting as if' and talking about the bills. Obviously, I can't hold it off forever. Stbx will need to be in agreement w. me for the court to hold off on our case if it gets postponed too long. There is no telling when this could happen. My L says sometimes judges want to have a 'Status hearing' right away when the waiting period is up. Other times, they will wait until it's been several months with no action on a case. Advice?

Any thoughts from anyone on my sitch?

On the one hand, it looks like we're moving toward an amicable D- on the other hand, I've made it to step 2. in DB with a tiny hint of step 3.
1. Diffuse negative feelings
2. Friendship
3. Romance
4. Piecing/Resolving issues

[Loving_Life]

Update-

Found out from my L that a 'status check' court date is set for early March. So I have at least until then to give my sitch a shot. Not sure what my best plan will be yet. I live long distance from stbx and right now he wants the D, but is 'friendly'.

Last talked to stbx 5 days ago now- of course I am DBing and will not be the one to contact him. Part of me wonders if there is enough to go on here.

Any thoughts for me?

[Loving_Life]

So, no contact from stbx for 12 days, then an email outlining his proposal for our financial agreement (d settlement) yesterday.

I've been doing really good with GAL and LRT. At least 50% of me believes my life is actually better w/out stbx and I'm having a great time. I know it shows to stbx, too. The most recent convos were good DB-wise:

-He thinks I'm on board with the D and we're 'friendly' w. each other.

-He can also tell how happy I am. He won't admit that he's jealous or drawn toward me at all (completely putting up a wall) He has shown some little signs of curiousity, though.

-He gets angry with me when I'm not easily reachable or don't respond to his messages right away. (Good or bad effect here?)


For those who haven't read my whole story, there is no proof of OW in my sitch- he claims he wants no one, thinks R's are not worth it or that he doesn't have time for one (career is most impt). He's shut down emotionally for the most part. In one convo a few weeks ago, he opened up some and admitted he never wanted to be hurt again and didn't think he could give me the R I deserved, he needs to work on his career too much- that's his 1st priority. Yes, this was HUGE that we had this talk. (Or that I mostly listened to his feelings).


I'm not sure if stbx's wall is too strong to come down.

I'm not sure if stbx will see the value of having an R again.

I'll wait until he calls again and then drop a tiny hint about new men friends teasing me (which is true! and it feels great for my PMA) And of course let him go within 10 min or less, b/c I gotta go!

Any advice for me?

[Loving_Life]

Additional thoughts- I think I may try to bump up the friendship/flirt thing w. stbx a little more- though I don't want to go too far and seem pursuing, b/c that makes him back off further.

[Trixi]

LL sounds like you actually have it down pretty good.
Do you have a FB or Myspace acct where you can post some pics of all the (innocent) fun stuff you are doing?
What exactly had been the plan when you moved 2000 miles away?

[Loving_Life]

Trixi- thanks for the PMA. I do have a myspace acct, and stbx is one of my friends- I'm not sure how often he checks myspace, but it wouldn't hurt to post some pics there! Nice idea!

On moving 2,000 miles away:
I'm halfway a WAS, who is reconsidering my M right now. I moved in w/ family in my new city so it was easy to do the move- and HUGE for my PMA and getting a new life. I moved to a better city for me(I moved to PNW from the midwest). When I left and moved away I had given up on our M. (Perhaps this was halfway DB in itself) Stbx and I had gotten in many fights and he wanted the D, so I said fine I want a D too. And if I'm 'single', I definitely want to live in a fun city where I've always wanted to live (PNW) :).

Part of me is still questioning if I really do want this R w. stbx - it would need to change from how it was for it to work. This is our second separation.

If he showed any sign of wanting to work things out yes I think I would go for it and not have these doubts. But as long as he's still 99% wanting the D, I have to question myself as to why I'm
DBing. It is helping me through GAL a lot. I've met so many new people and I'm having a blast!

That's pretty much where I'm at!

[NewMe]

Hi LL,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Not too much time this morning and I did not read this entire thread, but your first couple of posts.

First off, I admire you for hanging in there for the marriage's and love's sake. I can relate and in my sitch there are three young kids. Your H sounds contolling (like I have been) and closed off emotionally (like I have been). But he sounds like he's well contented by himself and with his business - not like me. It's always frustrating to me to see people in these posts walk away from loving people. Your love will flow to someone who wants it one day soon - I'm sure.

To your current sitch with him, hold your distance. Let him proceed like he wants to (my W wants to move to a D too, and I've finally given into that idea). There will be always time for your H to change his mind during the D proceedings. And I'm sure he knows how you feel about an R without repeating yourself.

Hang in there. There is always hope.

Keep loving life.

NM

[Loving_Life]

Took a break from posting for awhile, but I feel the need to update and find support again...

I've been doing pretty well- started a whole new life chapter on my own in a new city. I've made a lot of new friends. Still living with family and looking for a new job, but I think something is going to turn out soon. Today I had 3 staffing agencies contact me!

My sitch is rolling toward the D and I feel ok, but sad somedays. A date has been set by the judge for early March. Stbx has closed the door on our M. He no longer contacts me except via email to discuss final settlement details(1-2 times a month). Even the slightest suggestion from me that we hold off any longer makes him angry and he started badgering me about the D and D progress, so I chose to LRT and am "going along with it". I told him I understand his feelings. He's relieved about that, but he doesn't really want to stay in contact much anymore. In our last phone convo (2 months ago now), he claimed it had nothing to do with me anymore and that he just "didn't want a relationship with anyone." He has my phone, my email, my address- when he wants to talk more (like back in October) he made the effort. Now he's no longer making an effort. For the last few months, I've faced the fact that my sitch may not have hope anymore, and that's ok. Obviously, I do deserve someone that truly loves me and wants to be with me. That someone is out there for me in the future, and that will be a better life. So I'm hopeful for the future. My new city is so much better than the one I used to live in - I love it.

Saw the movie Marley and Me tonight- it was so sweet but I bawled my eyes out at the end when the dog had to be put to sleep. I am such a softie for pups! And somehow it just brought up all these loss feelings and reminded me of my M and the D on top of it all. Stbx has our 2 dogs, and I miss them a lot- I have our 2 cats right now, but I can't wait to get a dog again. I left the theatre all red eyed and people were looking at me weird- oh well. Sometimes, you just break down in the most random places. I feel like I'm fine and the next thing I know I have to fight tears away. Not like a D is a happy thing to go through, but I feel like my stbx's meanness and coldness toward me add to the injury. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much. I think I'll start posting more here again, I think it might help me. I may have to move to 'Surviving' but I hope people who are reading this follow me and keep posting. Thanks to everyone who has thoughts for me!

[Loving_Life]

Last shot at showing 'mystery'..

So I took Trixi's advice from earlier and posted a bunch of photos of me and new friends on my myspace page New guy friends and gal friends, hugging me, parties, salsa dancing, day trips where we're all hamming it up, etc.... my guy friends are actually gay but stbx doesn't know that. Stbx is still one of my 'friends' on myspace, so he'll probably at least see these. Obviously it shows my GAL! Since I moved away, he hasn't seen any of my new life- just heard about it occasionally when we chatted. Now that we have hardly any contact, I suppose this is a last resort. In October when we were talking more (I moved away in August), he sounded a bit less confident about himself and showed curiousity when I talked about my new life. Since then, he hasn't called, we've only emailed about the D- Maybe I should be adding more new life tidbits in the emails. I don't know.

I definitely feel like I am a good, fun, attractive person, and if stbx does not realize that then my life is not over. He has to make any effort to pursue me, if there is to be any reconciliation.

The D is pedaling along, stbx would like to wrap it up and be done at our March court date.

It occurs to me that I probably have done the most I can do, right? Maybe I need some input here. I dropped the rope a few months ago, and stbx has not come closer or 'chased' me at all. I'll see if he has any reaction to the pics of me w. new friends- if not, my sitch may be dead...

Any thoughts for me anyone?