"Now she has hit me with an ultimatum: either I need to leave in the next 2 years, or she will throw me out. Effectively, she has given me a timeline, until she will divorce me. I have two years left, and after both of our children are out of the house, she is going to toss me aside. She doesn't care what I think, at this point.
What should I do in these circumstances? Should I go back to the weak, passive man that I was before? Is this the only way to save my marriage, under these circumstances? Or should I continue this process, and see my marriage slowly deteriorate to nothing? Those seem like the only 2 options at this point. Any other suggestions?"
No, you should not go back. You and your self-respect are far more important than your "marriage". You must never trade the first for the second - or you will end up with nothing. What's so great about this marriage anyway - what joy, happiness, fulfilment etc has it truly brought you? As you will have read in nmmng, becoming an integrated man is NOT about trying ideas out for a few months in the hope that your wife will notice and reward you (covert contract). Its about taking back control of yourself, your thoughts, your manhood and your whole life. Now that you are doing this, now that your marriage is being steadily stripped of all your niceguyisms and denial, its becoming quite obvious that your wife (previously put on a throne by you) is in reality a bitch.
"Why the ultimatum? In 2 years, our youngest child will graduate from high school, and presumably move off to to college. At that point, my wife will no longer need my income. So at that point, in her estimation, I am a disposable asset - and she will dispose of me. She is using me to pay for the upkeep of her children, and once that task is done, she is done with me. That is the harsh reality that I am facing.
No, I do not like being treated this way. No, I am not a masochist. Yes, I want to take back my power. Now, how do I do this? I have been trying for several months now, and I have made little or no progress."
Harsh reality ? No, exciting. You are on the threshold of momentous life-change. Harsh reality is what you were before i.e. fearful, desperate and emasculated. You really don't want to go back to all that do you?
Little or no progress? No, you have made tremendous progress. You know it. Your wife cannot handle the fact you are changing, because it puts the onus on her to deal with her own issues (which until now you had been excusing her for). So she is squirming big time and trying to threaten you. Your wife clearly has no interest in any kind of a proper marriage with you, hence she is not worthy of you. She is showing her true colours. Its not pretty, but its better than living in delusion. You can either tolerate this bull for another 2 years (giving your children an appalling example for their future relationships), or you can be strong and start talking to an experienced and tough divorce attorney.
If its any consolation, the marriages of all recovered nice guys either develop into healthy and fulfilling ones, or they end because their wives don't have the courage to work on themselves. It looks like yours is the former - but that's a reflection on her not you.
You have to keep going.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
