Hi, Glam, Missing hearing from you! What's going on? Hope that if you're not posting, it means something good is happening for you!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I am sorry if things didn't go so well this morning with your H. I am learning in this world of "almost piecing" that you should try not to read too much into the little things and even some of the medium sized things. Keep focusing on the positive steps if you can.
H came over on Sunday. He said he was going to be there around 11ish and it ended up being closer to 1pm. I just let that slide. This is one area that bothers me, but I have gone over this more than once and even addressed in c.
H made us dinner and then we took the kids out to have haircuts. Overall is was a nice day.
Not to the real story:
H was here on Monday. Showed up when he was suppose to, so that was all good. Later in the evening he wanted to go and pick up some things at the store.
I wasn't feeling well to begin with, but wanted to pick up some cold medicine. It was payday for h and he had promised 2 weeks ago and then again a week ago that he would be giving me a set amount that he had agreed upon.
Well that didn't happen. He offered to give me a 1/4 of the amount that he said. Then he launched into I had to pay some friends back that really helped me out. Ok that got underneath my skin. Like I haven't been the one helping him out.
Then he launced into I have to pay MY rent. Oh and I don't have a mortgage to pay, HOA, electric bill, water bill, gas bill, daycare, the list is endless. I felt as if his needs come first. Like I am way on the bottom of the money chain.
I know I came off bitchy and such, but give me a break. He promised. Then he launched into I told you that my expense check was going to be late. Yes, he did say that, but he never acknowledged to me that he wouldn't be giving me the agreed amount of money this Monday. He said I should have asked. What?
Ok so I did show some sarcasm. He also launched into how much he has given me over the past month. Which he has, but what happens is he asks for much of it back and I graciously have given it back, so it puts me in NO better financial situation than when he wasn't giving me anything.
I did say that he could review my bank account and see what I was paying. He didn't take me up on it. He quickly ended the convo and said all I can give you is $100 more than what he first quoted me. I said that is fine h, pay me what you can, but please don't ask me to give any of it back to you.
Then we drove to the bank and he gave me half of the pre-set amount and said from now on he would be giving me this amount every time he gets paid and then some extra for gifts. I handed him back $100 and said if you really need it take it. He said no. I said are you sure. He said yes.
Ok so h ended up giving me half of what he promised. Better than none. I am disappointed on how I handled this. I am sure that I am still acting like I have from the past, but it the money thing really bothers me.
Since h is choosing to live elsewhere then he should at least put his family first and make that a priority when he gets paid, not like we are the last one that gets paid and only on what he has left over. To me that is NOT right.
This was a real struggle for me last night. Any thoughts on how I could do better?
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I just feel money wise I am not a priority to my h. It's like I come last. Does that make sense.
I also felt really hurt when he says I have to pay some friends that really helped me out. OUCH! Like I didn't really help him out and do I really care that he pays them back first. That hurt!
Also the rent comment really got to me. Like his rent is more important than paying our mortgage. That is how I felt. I just don't think he gets the financial picture.
It's like I will give you something when/if I can. That makes me angry and resentful.
Am I wrong here or what should be my thought process.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Ok so h ended up giving me half of what he promised. Better than none. I am disappointed on how I handled this. I am sure that I am still acting like I have from the past, but it the money thing really bothers me. My outside perspective on the situation: Yes, you have a right to be unhappy about this. Yes it is understandable that you would feel stressed about money. That does not give you the right to be sarcastic or hurtful in discussing the conflict. Conflict is not bad. But not being fair or understanding when resolving it, is bad.
In some situations there is no communication whatsoever. In others, there is communication, but communication about difficult topics (like money) is too dangerous. Yours is better than either of these cases. Not only is there communication, but there is even communication about difficult things.
You need to resolve for yourself, to be glad that you have communication and that you are happy to be working out these problems. Because there will always be problems, there will always be differences of opinions, misunderstandings, slights and hurt feelings. Yes we want to minimize such things, but there will always be some amount of that. How you deal with them is what makes the difference.
We all need to express ourselves compassionately.
Since h is choosing to live elsewhere then he should at least put his family first and make that a priority when he gets paid, not like we are the last one that gets paid and only on what he has left over. To me that is NOT right. That is a very valid opinion, and I can see why you think this way. On the other hand your husband believes he also has a valid opinion, and while I do not understand his opinion at the moment, and it doesn't make as much sense to me, nonetheless it is his opinion and I have no right to disqualify it because it disagrees with mine.
This is an opportunity. You don't want to have a conflict over money. You would like your husband and you to see eye-to-eye on the money thing. But you don't right now. Ok. So be thankful for this conflict, this difference. This is a gift to you, to allow you to exercise your own self-control, to practice what you believe, which is: you love your husband, you understand the long term view, you know you will have differences, and you are always always always willing to work things out with him.
Now how would you act if that is truly what is in your heart? How would you act if that was the message you wanted to give to him? Would you raise your voice and come down his throat? Would you break out the sarcasm? Of course not. Those things do not encourage open honest discussion.
Keep your focus on the goal. Money is important. But there is something greater here.
I just feel money wise I am not a priority to my h. It's like I come last. Does that make sense. Yes it makes sense. Did you say this to him? This seems like a very safe thing to say. You know in your heart it is not true - that you come last. You also know, truly, that today you are not as high on his list of priorities as you would like to be. I see that and yes, it stinks to be treated this way by your spouse. The money issue is just a trigger for you - like a clear illustration of his priorities. You get the feeling that you are not important to him. Share this. This is good to share. Not attacking. Not blaming. Focus on sharing your feelings. (of course make sure it is at the right time) .
Also the rent comment really got to me. Like his rent is more important than paying our mortgage. That is how I felt. I just don't think he gets the financial picture.
You are absolutely right. He doesn't get the picture. He doesn't get your picture. There is a big-screen TV in your head, and it is tuned to the GG channel, and guess what? he has a big-screen TV in his head and it is tuned to the GG's H channel. He has a different perspective.
Try something for me: Put the words you wrote in his mouth. Does it make sense for him to say "Her take on the mortgage really got to me. Like her view is more important than mine. That is how I felt. I just don't think she gets the financial picture for me."
Deep in his heart he obviously is holding very strongly onto an independent residence. It is important to him. I don't know why, but from reading your posts GG, he seems to be afraid to recommit. He wants to keep one foot out the door. This is obviously not the greatest situation. IDeally he would have both feet "in the door". But one foot out is better than both feet out.
For now this is an ongoing difficult situation.
If you keep your head and think long term I am confident that you will be able to discuss these issues with him calmly, in such a way that allows both of you to be heard, that allows both of you to feel validated.
