GF and Karen you are both so right. I don't and won't feel guilty for saying no. At this point he is paying his "CS and Alimony" just like he would be if we were already D, and since we did the refi and rolled everything into that, the house payment and cell phone bill alone eat up every bit of that money. So all other expenses are covered by me. The utilities, phone, internet, child care, food and incidentals are all my responsibility, so I just really don't have the budget to loan him money. I had to put and extra $260.00 in the account this month because all of the extra we had accumulated in the past is now gone. The summer PG&E bills really put me over the top. So unfortunately for him, when it comes to choose between his gambling habit and my kids, there is no contest.
Its good for me because I no longer feed the problem and it then rests squarely on his shoulders...it remains his problem.
I predict he and the Troll are going to have problems anyway. They are both hopeless addicts and she is going to expect him to watch the baby while she goes and plays and he is going to expect her to do it so he can go play and or stay available for work so the expectation versus the reality will be an interesting dynamic.
GF I do actually think that no matter where the football tournament was being held, he would have gone, but its just sort of funny in a not so funny way that its in Vegas. I have no expectations, I know that he will be gambling and I already plan to do just what you suggested. I will plan and do stuff with my kids and if he would like to join us he is more than welcome to, but if he chooses not to, then that will be fine as well. This weekend is about DS getting to play football and us getting to spend some time together doing some fun stuff. DD hasn't been to Vegas since she was really little so its going to be fun to watch her see things she has never seen before.
I'm sure the Troll is NOT going to be pleased either that the 4 of us are going over together and that will not help their love fest either.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
GF I do actually think that no matter where the football tournament was being held, he would have gone
Well then I am glad for you.
Guess it's just kind of hard, being on the outside, to see him making the right choices (such as this, i.e. being with his family) when for so long he's been making the wrong ones.
(((Corey)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Guess it's just kind of hard, being on the outside, to see him making the right choices (such as this, i.e. being with his family) when for so long he's been making the wrong ones.
Yeah, I know it is. Its hard for me in the situation to see the same thing. If the truth be told, I think in the end its going to cause him a lot of problems, but he seems more than willing so DS can have this opportunity, so I'll just go with it. I'm going to go and have a blast no matter what.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Good plan Corey.....have fun in Vegas no matter what! I think it's great H is going with you when the mini-Troll will be a few days old. Too bad, so sad.
I hope you have some well deserved fun while you are there. I am really happy for your son too. Don't expect anything from your H and then you won't be disappointed. I know that part is hard for you but I know you can do it.
Biggest of hugs for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well things are defiately weird right now. H and the Troll got into it about something yesterday afternoon and so he forwarded nme one of her texts and was asking my opinion on it. Anytime she gets pissed, she starts trying to make him feel guilty about asking for a paternity test. Anyway, I replied with my opinion (very nicely I might add) and didn't hear back from him. No big deal.
I called him on the way home to let him know that DD was going to be at MIL's house and to ask him a question about his car. No answer, left a VM. DS and I drop off DD at MILs and go out to the mall, he calls his dad and he is at the cardroom (SHOCK!!!) At approx. 9:15 I call to tell DD goodnight and she is really down and I ask why and she hadn't heard from her Dad yet, so I called him and he answered and said he was just about to call her and he was going to call DS back in a few minutes. (I had txtd him to remind him that she was going to be a MILs). So I hear nothing. I went outside to talk to a friend and when I got back inside, he had called, so I called him back and got no answer. A little later he calls me and the first thing out of his mouth is some BS about how I couldn't be bothered to pick up when he called me earlier and he was being a real jerk, so I interrupted and said pretty matter of factly that I had called him numerous times over the course of the evening and he had not been able to answer me either. He then tells me that he is going to let me go and I said ok and hung up. A few minutes later I get a txt from him "F**$ You". So later I replied letting him know there was a box here for him from his work and didn't mention the text.
He called today, with the same nasty attitude and I'm not sure what the desired response is supposed to be, but me acting "as If" is just making it worse. I actually questioned him a little bit ago about what the problem was and he sees it as me being ugly to him...so be it.
I'm not sure what the problem is, but am I crazy to think its not me? I suspect the Troll is mad about Vegas, that baby is now overdue and he just got paid on Friday and is broke for all intents and purposes and doesn't get paid again until the 25th. There is a fee of $55.00 for each player and when I mentioned it needed to be turned in tomorrow night, he got ugly and said, "Well you can pay that." I told him I needed to pay for DS's medicine and his reply was, "So?" "I'm paying for the Vegas trip...I don't have $55.00 to just hand out." I know I shouldn't have said another word, but my comment was, "I'm just not going to say anything then." and he got all mad and said I was being a C*&t (yep, you heard it right) and I asked why he felt that way and he said he had to go and hung up. And so now its my fault and I'm the antichrist because I said I wasn't going to say anything. Why do I feel like I'm the crazy one? I know I didn't do anything and I never raised my voice or anything.... Any insight would be helpful as I'm really confused about this. Prior to their blow up yesterday, we were actually getting along really well, too.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I don't think you could've handled that situation any better than you did. IMO, your H is just an a$$. He lost his paycheck again and is in deep doo-doo with the Troll, too. So who does the anger spill out to? You, because you're unfortunately there for him.
For the first time, about 3 or 4 months ago, I think, I was on the receiving end of a 'f*** you'. Not pretty. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to hear him use the "c" word. What an a$$.
IMO, he doesn't even deserve your courtesy calls (letting him know where DD was going to be). I understand why you do it. I just think he's lost that privilege.
((((((((((Corey))))))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I think a lot of it has to do with their blow up. He is mad and it is so much easier to let it go on you because for some strange reason he thinks you are going to stick around.
Let him be the baby. Don't fall into the trap of it all. She is probably becoming supermega troll with overdue and terribly painful trollet. He, I will guess, is going to get worse before he gets better.
Corey, let him feel it. Let him feel all of it. I know that is painful and difficult for you but you can't save him, from this or any other mess he chooses to create. Drop the rope hon and throw it as far as you can. Picture this in your head as many times as it takes for you to really feel it being gone.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
He lost his paycheck again and is in deep doo-doo with the Troll, too.
This is what I don't get...he doesn't HAVE to go. This is totally avoidable. If he wants his life to be smooth sailing, he should just stay home. If he doesn't want drama, then why not just leave me out of it? I realize he needs someone to blame, but what was I supposed to do? I'm not going to preach to him, but I'm also not going to be excited when he can't even come up with $55.00 and its just him. I will pay the $55.00, but I'm having to scrape by as it is. Its just frustrating to hear him justify it to himself and blame me because he continues to make bad choices.
Originally Posted By: kat727
I think a lot of it has to do with their blow up. He is mad and it is so much easier to let it go on you because for some strange reason he thinks you are going to stick around.
Their blow up is easily remidied.
He just called again and started a fight and tried to blame it on me. My pool pump isn't working and his response to that is, "Well sounds like your having a great day and don't want to talk so I'll let you go." WTF did you call for then? Just to fight? I can't be waiting by the damn phone with a smile plastered on my face waiting for you to grace me with your presence...jesus, get over yourself. So I sent him a text just now that reads: Don't put your BS on me. I didn't do or say anything to you smart a$$ or otherwise. If you want to be mad, at least be honest with yourself why. The response I got was: I WON'T MAKE A COMMENT ABOUT THAT!. So I replied: OK and now I'm going back outside.
He is gaslighting and I DON'T appreciate it.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
