Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Hi again Faith,

Thanks for uplifting words.

Peace is so important. Once you reach that point, if ever things get upsetting or feel out of control you know you can get back to that peaceful place. Like home base.

I couldn't agree more. I am glad I found it, or I should say it found me, at least that's what it feels like.

Mondays are always hard for me, I don't know why but it seems like after 48 hours of NC it bugs me more. I know I need patience, it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I also can't help but wonder if NC is really the best idea, but I'm trying my darnedest to stick to it. I suppose I'll really know if there's even a small chance after a few more weeks of this. I may not like the outcome but it's just something I'll have to face. Life goes on, with or without her.

I don't know if you're a visual person, but I read on someone's thread that they visualize their W as a confused neighbor whenever they spend time together as a family. It keeps you from taking their actions or behavior personally.

It's really difficult to not take their actions and words personally though, especially since these are the people we are supposed to be closest to in the world.

The first night we split up she kept telling me that I did matter. It was really late and I was thinking of driving back that night, she told me she was worried I would get hurt so I ended up staying the night there, sleeping on the floor. The week after that I told her I was thinking of moving back home, she said she didn't like that idea, when I asked her why she said it was the thought of losing me forever. Go figure.

Another funny thing that I've thought of recently; When I found out about them on that Friday I told her to pack her bags so I could take her "home" over the weekend. She procrastinated about packing, she had three days and didn't really pack. Yet she didn't have enough respect for me not to contact him while still living in my house after I had asked her not to and she agreed.

The final straw for me was when I came home on Monday and found her chatting with him and saw all the "baby" and "lol" cr4p they were throwing around. I told her then, get dressed, you're gone now. I took the rest of the day off and drove her to her parents' then.

I didn't even give her time to shower. In fact I was quite mean about it when she asked if I minded if she showered first. My reply was something to the affect that she was such a dirty wh*re that there was a stench and a stain on her that no soap could wash off.

First and only time I ever cussed at her during our entire marriage no matter what she would say to me, even if I was angry enough to yell, I never called her names. I still feel bad about that.

I admit, it's easier to look at her now and see someone that I don't know instead of looking for the person I was so in love with at the time. I've come to the realization that my W no longer exists. The hard part now is in wondering if she ever really did.

I'm not sure if my H's EA is still going on or not. So, I have a constant battle of looking around for evidence or not. For the past three weeks I have successfully avoided snooping and it helps me stay peaceful. I think that I would have serious reservations if H wanted to reconcile (again, in my case), and I know that I'll have to wait for that very day to know how I'll feel about it. Until then, I think it's smart to know what your limits would be, and what your deal-breakers are.

Have a good night!

I think I know what my deal breakers are, but I'm not sure. At this point I know if they meet, I couldn't go back after that. The thought of them being together physically still makes me sick to my stomach. An EA is bad enough, if it turned physical I don't think I could even stand to look at her and a big part of me is thinking they're planning to meet.

Thing is, I could find out if I really wanted to, but I've seen too much and know the hurt that brings, so I don't want to really see it with my own eyes.

I hope I'm wrong about them meeting. There are still times when I feel like I can feel her thinking about me and missing me, but I mostly write that off to wishful thinking.

I really hope things work out for you and your H if that's what you want. It's a shame our WASs can't see how much they're really giving up and how hard we fight for them.