Yes - i am on my guard...the "x's" - I'm not reading too much into that - but its something I've never dropped and for her its a return to something that passed regularly between us - the most i'm reading into it is a recognition between us that we're important to each other and that at some level we still care for each other - something i have told her from day 1 and something she has told me....you'll appreciate that its impossible to go through 20 years together and still not have some feelings - as tarnished and hurt as they might be...
we entered a mini-mountain marathon - sort of orienteering - in a pair. Its something W and i used to do quite regularly and enjoyed doing together...although as i found out week last Sunday - W's fitness is way above mine!!! But - on these things we have always rubbed along well - not an easy thing to do when the chips are down! In the past there have been a good few times when i have pulled my W out of the whatsit and kept her going against the odds - and Sunday was one of the times when she had to return the favour - but not the first! her navigation skills are second to none! Mine are pretty good too - but on Sunday the conditions and lack of condition got the better of me but in all honesty - there is no-one i would trust to do the right thing and take the right decisions like my W under those conditions!!! must be my training! LOL!
It was a local event - up a local "mountain" - but can be as serious as anywhere in the wilds of the UK - that would make Lodo laugh his socks off!!!
Ali - not sure i have expressed a view on OM - he's not my "cup of tea" - but then again - a generous view stance is that I don't really know him well - i certainly know what a lot of other people make of him - and that's not particularly flattering - but I do understand why W is attracted to him - into lots of outdoor pursuit type activities - running, biking etc. Which does make me sort of angry - especially as that was the type of activity we enjoyed together and now I am facilitating that for her and OM - when I'm looking after H - but something we could not get together, pre-bomb, to re-engage with together - mainly cos i was a DAM not ready to be a dad and was not really enamoured with being one at first cos I got no attention apart from being sp�rm bag and was drinking far too much, so had a sort of half hearted EA with my female boss - although I was dead slow to recognise the flattery (which went no further when I recognised it!), looking to grouse about work and get wasted after a sh!t day at work and worries about my work, and then my mum died - quite suddenly. One day I was about to fly to London and got a phone call from my dad saying "not to worry, but mum had been taken into the local hospital" and i was about to board...it was a judgement call but I went - only to be called 3 hours later by a sister on the ward saying that she had found my number in my mum's SOS bracelet - and that i should come asap." My Mum lasted till the early hours of the next day. I was with her when she passed away - (I have to add that i went into what i can only describe as a deep depression at that stage) and next to being there when my W gave birth to our beautiful son H, it was the most dramatic event of my life...
I promised to her - that I would always take care of my dad...and my W and H - cos i know that she loved and cherished all 3 of them - at something past 5am she passed away...
Sometimes in my petty mind - my work enables my W to pursue a life not dictated by or ruled or be defined by work. But that work also enables a woman I love deeply and made a commitment to, to operate in the terms we agreed, and it means that H is looked after and looked out for in the best way possible.
So I am left with lots of muddled feelings and thoughts about how we got here - jealous about my W's re-engagement with an active life I would like to share with her, knowing that for a good few years my inability to communicate my insecurities about me, about being a dad and my needs to her - and my way of dealing with that life changing event and all of that led her to feel increasingly desperate for love and I think companionship in the first place - which then was found in OM1. And that - mixed in with a tendency for me to live my life in my own head - led to our demise.
Thinking about it - which one does! - I was an only child - well not really...i had a disabled older brother who died when i was 5 - he was 11 - resulted in me keeping things to myself...i determined not to cause my parents any more pain - so i have a pretty well developed perfectionist streak - which served me pretty well through school but that experience also meant that i was pretty well extra protected as kid by my mum especially. i was spoilt in a way - as far as a working class kid could be spoilt but I never thought that that experience had had any more damaging effect upon me other than to heighten my sensitivity to others - but now I recognise that it probably did - not that I'm blaming my folks for it - they wouldn't have known any better. The upshot though - was to make me a "quiet" person - with lots of stuff in my head - with the tendency not to share those thoughts or feelings. And a tendency for procrastination and desire always to please while not being able to recognise the dangers in both of those!
At the very least, I am confident that this situation has delivered for me a realisation of these influences upon my life and a desire to ensure that through our co-parenting, H never endures such hardships and difficulties.
W and I are agreed - H is the most important person in our worlds - we will do everything we can - given our circumstances, to ensure that he remains so.
And for that - I am extremely grateful...
And make no mistake - just for the record - i love my W!
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
