Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[Jayce]

Hi, Kiddo. I get it about being in a funk. Me, too.

Have you sent H your list of questions? Mine are more in the line of how he feels about sex in general. Answer: "I don't know". I asked him please think about it months ago. No answers yet. He hasn't read past ch 5 of the "new male sexuality" book since 2 wks ago. Its at the bottom of the list of important stuff along w/having sex. By now he must realize this isn't going away & every time he ignores it, it comes back w/emotional results. The book defines the difference between desire & arousal in ch 15. (He'll get to that one in 2010 at this rate). I asked him about arousal (being "horny") a few weeks ago & he said he never feels that way. I know he did when we were dating. Right now, I'm not sure about any time since. I talked about some sex things we did in the past that were fun, that he got into, but he doesn't recall them. Every conversation makes me feel worse.

He came across sleep shorts in his drawer that I got him 2 summers ago & he's never worn. Asked me why I got them. I said I thought they'd feel good on & I wanted to feel him when he wore them. He said "Why?" & I blurted out "Because I have a SEX drive!" I said, like when a guy gets a woman a silk nightie cuz he wants to touch her when she's wearing it. Silence. Then "Oh, I get what you're saying". Asked him this a.m. if touching a woman turns him on. "Yeah".... I guess he has to think about it & want to first. It'd help if he'd ever talked during sex before, then I'd have some idea about stuff like that. I thought he enjoyed all of that, but I'm not sure anymore.

Today's appt w/respiratory therapist has to be rescheduled. He had annual stress test this a.m. which he didn't write on the calendar, but had the instruction sheet clipped to the back where I didn't see it till last Fri. He forgot it. I asked him to call the lady today to reschedule (take responsiblity) & he said no, the only thing he wants her to do is to "take the thing back". I've had a pretty bad afternoon. Fixing the sleep apnea was my last hope as far as keeping him healthy and having any chance of him ever having a libido again. So that makes any sex we ever have in the future only a charity effort on his part. Heart won't be in it. No desire, no arousal, having to 'make an appointment' for sex and him taking a pill & never thinking the next day about having fun the night before.... never thinking about sex again until after a couple weeks or so it occurs to him to initiate (with no signals) so I won't have another meltdown & spoil his weekend of TV & napping.

Last weekend I made a careful approach Fri nite. He rolled away from me & went to sleep, snoring. I know he felt me touching him. Didn't sleep well. Was bummed all day Sat. so he was peeved & I didn't sleep again Sat. Sun nite, was tired. He'd not touched me or kissed me since Fri aft. Sat on other side of room during TV. I got up around 10, said I was going to shower & go to bed. He followed me & said "Aren't we going to fool around?" I said why would he think that since he hadn't been near me all day & how would I know what he wanted to do. Eventually we did. He took a pill & I figured while he waited the 45 min we could do a lot of foreplay, fun?? He seems to have no clue. I rubbed his back, feet, said nice things about his bod. He did rub my feet a little. Still talked very little. Usually has his eyes closed.

This weekend he worked OT, so not home till 5 a.m. Fri & 6 on Sat. He slept all day & I went to stable. Came home, had supper. He dozed on couch on & off. I didn't expect anything, but nothing last nite either. Tonite he'll ask me why I didn't go work w/my horse. (Cuz I was bawling all afternoon & didn't have the mental energy?)Then he'll have his big glass of wine and either duck the whole thing or initiate & wonder why I'm not turned on & have no idea how to fix it.


You know I'm gonna call her. Gotta give it one more try. I hate it that he's such a quitter. I know if it's something he really wants to do, he'll work on it. When he started racquetball 15 yrs ago, he got a rule book & lessons cuz he hadn't played in 20 yrs. He'd pay for court time to practice his serves & shots 2-3 times a week. Watched videos of pros playing. But no practicing the breathing machine. Nuh uh. Way too hard. Doesn't think adjustments will help, so he won't try.

I really don't want to sleep alone in the other room. I need the hugging, too, but its so hard to sleep w/the noise from the snoring & lying there listening to his breathing stop and thinking about how it is gradually killing him & he evidently doesn't care. When I met him I had kids, a dog, a house, a car, a job. Got married cuz I wanted a playmate & emotional support as in intimacy, sharing feelings, a real life together. Shoulda just got another dog.