New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Kakatal]

After the talk above I was going to avoid w for a couple days, just withdraw & see what happened. Then I realized that was just same old behavior - way I would react in past when I felt rejected. So I decided to do a 180 & just be the new me. Felt good to figure that out in my head - just showing myself how much more aware I am in how I react to things. More kudos for personal growth.

Not much to report from Thursday through Saturday. W called at work both days, went to USC game with SIL & BIL Saturday while I took kids to ride Thomas the Train. Had a great time myself. 10 mins after game ends w calls house to see how day went. 10 min talk. W ended up going to game with her cousin as well - I knew there was a 4th ticket but never asked who she was with. Similar to her saying she was going to spend Sat with SIL - never asked doing what - w just felt like filling in blanks since I am indifferent towards asking about any details about what she is doing. Yet she wants to know my details :-)

Sunday - Have friend in Sac who brought her d & d friend to Legoland for weekend. I made plans to get together & bring D9. Birthday treat for D9 as well as my way of saying thanks to her for all the help she provides in keeping S4 & D2 entertained when I need time alone. Drop S4 & D2 off at w @ 7am & drive to Legoland - 2+ hr drive.

Meet up with friend, kids get along great, park was a lot of fun. 1st call from w @ 4pm - let go to VM. 45 mins later return call - wants to know what plans are for kids. Says she can have them stay at house & sleep in own beds until I get home. I say figured she was going to keep them all night. W says cousins H just got back from hunting trip & doesn't want to put him out with kids sleeping there. Says she will just go to her GM. I offer to let her just sleep over at house. She states she is not going to sleep at house with me coming home. I say oh yeah, what was I thinking. Then get asked if I am coming home - decide to be aloof & say I don't know - might just stay overnight here (Off work Monday & D has no school). Tell w she can decide if she wants to sleep @ GM or house. Get off phone. Kids end up going swimming @ hotel pool. 3rd call from w about issue with kids - right to VM. Call back 1 hr later - sorry for not responding sooner - battery is low on phone so had to turn it off. Deal with issue & good night. Out to dinner with everyone - waiter keeps calling us Mom & Dad. Got a kick out of that as did friend. After dinner kids watch movie while we talk by pool about what else - situation. Friend offers good insight & impressed how well I am dealing with things. Say goodbyes & drive home. W sleeping in our bed! I had said that was fine before. Resisted temptation to join her & took couch.

W cooks breakfast this morning. Keep having small talks about her feelings, R, etc. Asks if ok to bring pics over of her & kids to put up in their bedrooms. Say I have no problem with that - already have pics up of you & them in there already. She states that she has seen that I removed all pics of her & I from house & doesn't feel that she should be taken out of kids rooms. I tell her I agree 100% so that is why there are pics of her still in kids bedrooms. She says something along lines that kids should have pics of other parent. I ask her if she has pics of me + kids at cousin's house or GM where kids sleep when they are with her. Says that when she gets her own apt then she will do that.

Small breaks between talks - deal with kids, cooking, etc. I decide to knock off 1 task from my to do list which is to scan all the pics that I do not have a copy of & then I can give her the box of them. Start scanning, w comes in room & says that this is not how she thought her life should have turned out. That she wanted to be married, family , friends & is just not happy. D9 mom arrives to pick her up which was terrible timing since went back to ask w to explain what she meant & she just closed up on subject.

1 hr later just asked W if we could talk. She sits down & I just ask her flat out - what needs to happen for you to consider working on our M. Have a good 1.5 hr discussion on lots of topics. Much of it is rehash from previous talks. I did a lot of looking her in eye, listening, validating & empathizing with her. Defended myself a couple times but not to where I stomped on her feeling to do so. All in all very positive talk - I teared up a couple times, w did as well. No touching or hugging involved.

Really wish I could record these conversations because when you are in them it is hard to recall all that you talk about!

W says that we were never friends & just slept with me, then attached herself to me & moved in. I just smiled at that. Said that I understood her point of being friends with someone before you start dating but that most R start way our did. Problem with us is that the friendship we had deteriorated over time because we our issues became barriers.

Talked about what she thought I meant when I said I want to work on our M. She says that she isn't going to just move back home, back into life we had, having sex, etc. I told her I felt same exact way. Things would have to be taken slowly & that it may turn out that I don't want the M.

Talked about sex - that she thinks now she withheld sex as a way to punish me for treating her like an object, for making her feel like a piece of meat rather than a woman. Went into her talk about how woman need the emotional connection in order to want to have sex whereas man just needs T & A. More validation, said that book I am currently reading she could have written since it says same exact thing (His Needs, Her Needs).

Talked about her cheating - w feels that she has done some things that she doesn't think I will ever be able to move past, that I will hold over her & end up making her pay for them. SHe knows I am disappointed over it. Told her I know that is how most people would feel about having someone cheat on them. But I understand why she did what she did - I failed to meet any of her emotional needs & she eventually had enough. Said that many people has asked me how/why I would consider ever taking her back. She said that was a good question. Told her my standard reply is this: W had to endure my behavior for 9 yrs, I'd be a fool not to forgive her for making a 3 month mistake. If this is what it took to improve the R & M then it will be worth it in the end. Said regardless if M is saved or not, I am a much better person because all this happened so I do not have any hate or anger toward her nor do I feel she will owe me for the rest of her life for doing what she did. W says that if she wanted to cheat she would have done so years ago, that trust would not be a problem. I just left that alone. Neither of us mentioned OM. Didn't bother to ask if he was still in picture - save that if she decides she wants to work on M.

Talked about she doesn't want to come back just for kids. She could do that right now but doesn't feel that is the reason to come back. I told her I agreed with her. She needs to want to come back for her own reasons. Said for me, kids are a reason to want to work on M, but those are my feelings, not hers. She says that she doesn't think guilt is reason to come back & right now that is all she is feeling.

W does not want M at this point. Wants to work on being friends & then see what happens. Says she could change her mind in couple months but that would only be possible if friends first.

Both thanked each other for talk. She said that she hoped I wasn't mad that she didn't want to come back. I told her that I was fine, I had no expectations anymore that things will work out between us. I know that I am going to be fine regardless if M ends or not. I am happy with my life now & feel good about myself.

W decided to take kids out shopping for few hours. Asked if it was Ok to give a friend a hug. Got nice smile from w & good 3 sec hug.

So, again nothing has changed, no expectations. W still behind her wall but very happy she came out to talk for a while. This is a BRIEF post over what was discussed so sorry if details are sketchy. Just feeling positive about whole talk - huge improvement from last R talk prior to her leaving for AK 2nd time! Anger level in w has really dropped - she is still emphatic about her points but not to the degree she was 4 mos ago. Patience, time & keep working on me. Baby steps :-)