I think I'm done......saddened, but strong.....

[Silent Chrleader]

I talked to H this morning on the phone. I told him I was seeing an Attorney (I'm not one to keep secrets....that's just not in me). He asked me why I thought we needed one. I told him that I don't want this but he seems very adamant and I need to protect myself. He said he understood. Then he said he "wanted to change" and that he "didn't want to hurt me". I asked him what he meant by wanting to "change". He said he just wanted to be alone. I told him that I understood that and the desire to "run to freedom" was normal for mid-life crisis. He said that maybe he "should read some of those books of mine". I told him that I truthfully wasn't sure if I could get past the infidelity, and that to even try would require a lot of understanding and effort on his part that I just don't think he has the courage or character to give, but that I still believed in marriage and family and that I would be willing to try. I told him that my biggest fear is of making a mistake and regretting it later, and from what I've read, men in mid-life crisis often regret decision made in the "fog". He said he doesn't "feel depressed" so he's not sure that's it. And I told him, I understood that because I didn't feel depressed for the last few years of our marriage, I just felt sleepy ALL the time!

So, he's willing to go to MC and/or IC and be more honest. I told him that our C also felt H had be dishonest and that C can't help if H won't man up to the truth. C even got teary and had to take a few minutes away, which seemed to get to H when I told him. I couldn't see if he was crying on the phone but his voice was shaky. So, in the end I told H that I only wanted to take things one day at a time and see where it went and to just be open and honest. He agreed.

So, now my dilema is this. His lease is up at year end. We can't afford for him to keep his apt. But, I'm afraid to bring H back into the house! I don't think I can sleep next to him in our bed, but I am NOT letting that bed in his apt back in my home!! Would it be a good thing to be under the same roof to help build back some connection? I'm not even sure H is willing to move back in, although I don't know what he thinks his alternative is. He really thinks he just doesn't want to be with me anymore, no matter how much I have changed, he thinks it's too much water under the dam (and once he sets his mind on something, changing it is almost impossible!) So, am I just setting myself up for more pain to even look for hope? I know I should have no expectations, but I'm scared to death!! What should I do???? Even his mother thinks he won't change. He just wants what he wants and he's always been that way. My whole family and my kids, even S17 who loves his dad dearly thinks I am better off without him. My sister, who I respect and admire says I alread know deep down that it's "over" but I just need to accept it. But she's a lesbian and therefore not very sympathetic to "men" and is so independent that she has not been successful in her own relationships. {although she has been a great help in my own self growth}.

What should I do??????