T2L,

Thanks for stopping by.

Originally Posted By: Trying2live
Dash,
How is your GAL'ing going? This will be a huge help to you as you go through this. Find something fun that maybe you wouldn't normally do. GAL'ing is an investment into you! I also think it's really great for the walkaways to see you living, if that makes sense.


It makes perfect sense. I don't want her to see that I'm hurt, or weak. I'm acting as if she's done me a huge favor, and in a lot of ways she has.

As for my GAL'ing, I've joined a gym (I used to work out a lot before she and I met) and I've started making plans with friends (what few I have) for going out to movies and to eat. Things of that nature. I also thought of taking up piano or guitar again. I used to play both, but they were dropped somewhere along the way.
If I have anything to really to say to help it would be these few things.

Originally Posted By: Trying2live

Spouse is in deep fog, ignore almost all of what they say, its fogbabble. Have hope, but NO EXPECTATIONS. I found this really helpful for myself. If I have preconceived expectations from my spouse then surely i will be getting hurt because they live in the FOG. If you expect anything, at least for now since you are early in this, expect insanity, no normal common sense, selfishness,etc. This should be what you expect because even if you don't that's what your going to get-for now. There is a natural time for this. I have mentioned to getting Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley to everyone I know it's a great companion book to DR. I have implemented GAL'ing by taking salsa lessons and 180 in all areas my H complained about.


I am having trouble with the 180's because she hasn't really said anything to me about what I should have done or could have done differently. I know I was emotionally removed from her for the past year and half or so, but to do a 180 on that wouldn't make sense right now.

I suppose not talking about the R or M and not asking her questions about her life, the future, or us amounts to a 180 in a lot of ways. But I'm still sort of stuck on this one. Especially not knowing what she expects from me. Nor do I have any expectations of her. My intentions are to put my life back together first and foremost, and hopefully put my family back together. As far as expecting anything from her, I only expect her to be who she is, but I am hopeful that will change as well.

Originally Posted By: Trying2live

I highly recommended the SAA book. He also explains in it the addiction aspect of Adultery and also that most of them die a natural death. It's a must have book to go a long with DR, IMHO.


I'm really hoping this is true. I know she's going through a bit of withdrawal since she doesn't have the time now to speak to him as often. She's been staying with her parents and her dad has been home everyday that she's been there because he's ill and can't work at the moment. So no downloading "Second Life" and no hours on end chatting with him. I'm hoping this will help lead to it's demise.

I've read about that book on several threads, yours included. I plan on picking it up along with the "Five Languages of Love".

Originally Posted By: Trying2live

As far as emotions I think your right on track. From my perspective when a person finds out about the adultery the 1st few months they are in shock, there is some emotion but not a whole lot. For myself, I was basically shocked and surviving and could barely feel. IT wasn't until month's 3-5 that the sorrow and reality hit. don't put any weights on yourself on how you should be feeling. Its a roller coaster, just try to take care of yourself and do things you enjoy or you won't make it the long haul. Get a massage or something that cares for you!

Consider getting the SAA book, if you can and are finished reading DR. I think reading as much as you can on Adultery is really helpful. feel free to drop by my thread I don't always go out of mine but I'll try and remember. My thread is Trying2Live-New Post 4.

I do like the detachment in your conversation, keep that up as long as you can do it without Love busting, a technique in the SAA book as well.


I think I'm over the initial shock. Reading helps me understand things better. I usually recover pretty quickly from most things. This has actually taken me longer to come to grips with than I ever imagined it could. I'm not over it by any stretch, I still have up and down moments, but it's sank in and I realize it is what it is. Dwelling on it and them only hurts me. I'm tired of being hurt.

I'll have to look up the "Love Busting" thing because I'm not familiar with it. I sort of feel like I need to bide my time until her EA runs it's course before I really do anything else other than what I did last week. Good idea?

Then again, knowing my W she could be making plans to meet with him, if that happens, I'll be done for sure because I don't think I could ever look at her again and not see her with him.

Dash


Me 43: Her 34
M 08/22/2005
Son born 12/31/2006
Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008
EA confirmed 10/11/2008
WAW 10/13/2008