so the STBXW starts moving out today. BIL and MIL are coming over to help. mixed feelings on this, of course. for the most part i'm happy to be entering this phase. i have fears of the legal aspect, whats she's taking with her, etc.
next up is the division of assets. with her aggresive lawyer, i'm very scared i'll be left with little savings. in my line of work as an IT contractor, i need more than a few months of safety net. with her going after my savings, stocks, increased value in my condo, etc, she could suck me dry of cash. with the market the way it is, i'm scared my next project may be a long time coming. all i need is an unexpected to come along and i could be in trouble.
i have no fear that i'll find a way to make it work one way or the other. i'm resourceful and determined, i have no fear of work, whether its in my field or whether i go back to mechanics to supplement my income. but the fear of losing it all is still in my head.
have a constant fear knot in my stomach for the past weeks, since receiving the request from her lawyer for the financial info. my already limited appetite has diminished even more. i basically force feed myself these days. not happy with any more weight loss.
besides my wonderful daughter, my workout is my saving grace. i've connected with friends from college recently, all have been great support. the friends i've made here, and on fb with faces behind the names, have been wonderful. i miss the carefree days of the months before the bomb. i spent some time cleaning out my inbox at work and am shocked that just a month before the bomb the emails from my STBX were happy and loving, and now just a few long months later, she's moving out. incredible. and heart breaking. and oh so painful.
i'll get through this as i've gotten through other hardships, i'll come out stronger and more confident. but now, from where i stand today, it seems a long way off. i want this to end. i want to sleep through the night, i want to go through the day without thinking about her. i want the divorce finalized, i want to know where i stand, i want to start to rebuild, instead of breaking down as they are now. i want a hug, a kiss.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
i'll get through this as i've gotten through other hardships, i'll come out stronger and more confident. but now, from where i stand today, it seems a long way off. i want this to end. i want to sleep through the night, i want to go through the day without thinking about her. i want the divorce finalized, i want to know where i stand, i want to start to rebuild, instead of breaking down as they are now. i want a hug, a kiss.
yes you will..you have to wade through the chitt first. You can do this..You stay strong. You take the high road when possible. You remain lovingly detached. You're all right..
lyrics of the day, Sunny Hours by Long Beach Dub Allstars, amazingly beautiful song.
Well I've strolled across some dance floors filled with girls all dressed in red Pulled my foot from my mouth and took back the things I've said Wandered through the valley of the shadow of the dead
Stumbled upon this old sun dial and there these words I read
I only count the sunny hours, the brightest hours of day I never count the gloomy hours, I let them slip away And when the sky is dark and gray, and there's no love around I simply just refuse to count, until Sol comes around And sweeps those clouds away, and I realize I'm awake the Sun keeps shinin on
Well I've done a little time, but I haven't had a lot Gotta give thanks for the lovin that I got Punk rock, concrete, doggie in the street My lady ran away but I'm feelin super sweet Love will never die, but that's how it's gotta be Rockin' rubadub will pay the family As time rolls by it will never last or will it be On and on, share a lovin memory
When sky is dark and gray, there is no love around I simply just refuse to count Until Sol comes around
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, Yeah yeah yeah (Let the lovin, let the lovin come back to me)
All the cares and all the worries will disappear while there's nothing to worry about There's absolutely nothing to fear And you feel just wonderful
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
STBXW is out. last night was her last night at my house. i have our daughter tonight, she has her tomorrow.
so starts the next phase of the R. mixed feelings, anger, disappointment, sadness, loss, and lots of pain. just have to learn to take this day by day. enjoy my time with my daughter while i have her, deal with missing her when i dont. make every moment with her special and loving.
dont know what to do. this really hurts.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
KenF- The best advice I got about dealing with this pain - and the impossible intensity of it - was to feel it, take deep breaths and let it go - crying - hell, weeping - is so very necessary to let this pain out - don't hold it in - just wait until you are alone - and let yourself feel it and release it - there's no other way - the pain will feel just unreal - believe me, I know it all to well...lived it all too much over the last couple weeks -but you have got to experience it to let it go - and then there will be a calm that might surprise you - and that calm will start to last longer and longer, give way to smiles, give way to emotions and thoughts about yourself that maybe you hadn't considered up to this point...
It's the pain of being free, KenF - it's the pain of dropping the hold on hopes that maybe were built on the wrong foundation - it's the pain of having to pull back into yourself so completely that you understand that it's up to you now to fulfill yourself - and to be there as the best man you can be to your daughter. Despite how horrible it feels - despite the deepest belief that might grab you that tells you this pain will last forever...it will not... and you will heal...and you will be stronger.
Our muscles get stronger when we make little tears in them and they heal - so too will your heart. This tear is huge, painful, and real - and it will heal and you will find yourself being Ken again - the Ken that was consumed and overcome by that last few months of confusion and sorrow. You will be fine, Ken. I know you will. Just be sure that after you cry, you reach out - don't isolate yourself and let your pain become your reality - feel the pain - but turn to those that love you and can offer you the most support - they want to - they need to - and you need their love.
Be strong. Let yourself feel the pain. Reach out. Heal. You will heal, my friend.
posts are coming longer and longer apart. just trying to deal with this pain head on, get to know it, feel it, and work through it.
i just spent the first weekend without my beautiful daughter Zophia, and what intense pain. didnt miss the STBX though. and am getting better at stopping the voice in my head that constantly wants to talk about what she's done with OM. thats my challenge now, to silence that little f**ker.
STBX had Zophia from thursday to monday, they stopped by Saturday for an hour or so, and we went to breakfast and movies sunday. trying to make the transition a bit easier. easier for who?
went to STBX's new apartment, didnt feel much about it.
Zophia has been wonderful through this, only rarely asking for STBX when i had her. hasnt been crying, no tantrums, etc. i know she misses me, she wont let me go when she visits. and i cry inside when she's there. and outside when she's not.
STBX has been much chattier on the phone, every night we call to allow Zophia to say goodnight, if it wasnt for the OM, i'd say things may have had a chance.
but i've been grappling with the thought of Trust. i know i will never be able to trust her again, and that destroys any chance of us rectifying. but what about trusting someone else? if i meet someone new, will i really be able to trust her? I dont know, and that makes me sad.
on a good note, got a nice compliment from a co-worker last week, and an amazingly beautiful one too - i call her the indian Selma Hayek, she was offering me leftover cookies, cake, etc from a meeting, and said "you probably wont want these, you look like you only eat healthy and workout a lot". put a smile on my face, i must say.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I had the same question as Mike. And I think it's a question you may still need to be open to - trusting someone else often comes down to our willingness to trust ourselves and our decisions...so who knows...but still, I would say that for now and for the future, you have got to focus on your and your daughter.
Feeling that pain was good - I'm sure it didn't feel good - and it won't for a while - but there's just no other way to get it out of you - and make it stop controlling you.
Soon I hope we'll read more of your humor here...and more moments when you smile for no reason...though I know that you've always got one huge reason to smile - and she'll be a part of your life no matter what happens with the SBTX.
It must have felt great to get the compliment - welcome those moments into your life - I know I would...sometimes I wish I worked somewhere that required me to interact with more people...but it's the choice I've made - and so it's a kind of solitude I have to accept.
Sounds like you're doing great, Ken. Stay positive, stay strong - and love that little girl.
