the mlc files--I want to believe

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK, guys, I'm asking for help here. These next couple of months are going to be exceptionally hard for me. I hate the holidays anyway, but I need to rise above and be super mom. So that the holidays aren't bad for D the rest of HER life. I don't have much support; I don't have family. Friends are busy and probably feeling some compassion fatigue. I don't yet feel comfortable back in my parish. I don't know what I'd do without these boards, and I need you more than ever. Please walk with me through the holidays.

I will be here for you, Hoozh -- on here, thru e-mail, thru prayer. You can count on me.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, Puppy--you don't know how much that means to me.

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, BeingMe. I really appreciate it. I really do try to stay out of his way. I hate having to ask him for money, hate being dependent in that way. I'll be so glad when we get the custody/support thing worked out. Until then, it feels like he can walk all over me with D. It's been 5 1/2 months; basically everything has gone his way and he has all he wants except a finalized divorce, and that's in the works. I just don't understand the need to continue to punish me for whatever he's punishing me for.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just don't understand the need to continue to punish me for whatever he's punishing me for.

Hoozh,

Your first four words contain the answer to your question. There IS no "understanding" wayward behavior, or at least there is no logical way to understand it. He is basically lashing out at YOU, for HIS moral shortcomings and guilt at this point. As sick as it sounds, YOU are the embodiment of everything he hates about HIMSELF right now.

You hear this in the dialogue of cheating spouses all the time. Things like "Oh, you're SOOOO perfect, aren't you!" and "Your self-righteousness nauseates me!" and "Oh, you can do NO WRONG in anyone's eyes, can you?!!"

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, Sir.

Yes, this is why I had hoped this would be over before we got to the attorney stage--but he's in such a hurry.

Almost all of what you said resonates--but I honestly wasn't trying to make him angry. I honestly had good reason to be concerned about D seeing such a show of hypocrisy and receiving such affirmation for it. It's exceedingly rare that I bring this up because it always generates such a negative response--which I really find mystifying. I tried to find several other valid reasons for D not to go to the funeral, but he wasn't accepting them. When she said she wanted to go, I said yes because I don't want to keep her away from her dad or her family. I've never said no to her calling or visiting whenever she wants--because she needs him. And now she wants to go to St. Louis with them all for Thanksgiving--which she shouldn't even have known about unless we had mutually decided she should go. Anyway, I really don't think it matters what I do--he's going to perceive me negatively. I even met him halfway to drop off D on the way to the funeral; he had a check and some mis-forwarded mail for me and he just threw it on the car seat and never looked at me. And I was going out of my way to be helpful. I think that, to a certain extent, he has to hate me to do what he's done. He has to make me a bad guy to justify his actions and feelings. Because otherwise, he'd just be getting on with his life without a need to vilify me.

I've tried to be accepting--it is what it is. I clearly can't change it. And it hurts. And just when I think I have reached some level of healing, I find that I haven't after all. I don't vent to him; I try to have as little contact with him as possible because it's frankly kind of frightening to experience the person he's become. We talk only about D and finances; every now and then he will tell me about some wonderful thing that he's done or some wonderful accolade he's received. But he knows nothing about my life at all. Has never asked about my job, my health, or anything else. And that's gotten worse; at points during the summer we could talk calmly about D and even unrelated things. No longer. Since he's filed, we're adversaries at this game.

I'm trying hard to get a life. I'm trying to find support.

They're about to shut us down to do something to the server....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Since he's filed, we're adversaries at this game.

Yep. That's why that put that little "v" in between your names in the action, sadly.

One of the hardest and saddest things about my sitch with my wife last summer was the stark realization that, in many ways, the woman that I had married and forsook all others for had become my adversary. Yuck.

[hoosiermama]

Yes, suddenly your partner becomes your adversary.

Ugh! Just in the midst of an email convo with H about visitation. He wants to "resume" the 3-day/4-day visitation (that we really never had). I said no. It wasn't working out, it's confusing and hard to remain organized and disruptive to D's schedule. So he says we'll fight it out in mediation. Right. I have no intention to become a half-time mother and sacrifice what little stability D has, so that he can have everything in the world he wants. Then he asks--what do I propose that would be fair? FAIR. What a concept.

[hoosiermama]

I just don't understand the need to continue to punish me for whatever he's punishing me for.

Hoozh,

Your first four words contain the answer to your question. There IS no "understanding" wayward behavior, or at least there is no logical way to understand it. He is basically lashing out at YOU, for HIS moral shortcomings and guilt at this point. As sick as it sounds, YOU are the embodiment of everything he hates about HIMSELF right now.

You hear this in the dialogue of cheating spouses all the time. Things like "Oh, you're SOOOO perfect, aren't you!" and "Your self-righteousness nauseates me!" and "Oh, you can do NO WRONG in anyone's eyes, can you?!!"

Puppy

Well, that makes sense. Altho it's hard to believe that he hates anything about himself these days!! He's a great guy, entitled to nothing but perfection. No doubt believes he was a wonderful husband. Great chaplain, swell candidate for priesthood. I would agree that I am the embodiment of everything he hates in the world, tho.

[Dawn of Hope]

There IS no "understanding" wayward behavior, or at least there is no logical way to understand it. He is basically lashing out at YOU, for HIS moral shortcomings and guilt at this point. As sick as it sounds, YOU are the embodiment of everything he hates about HIMSELF right now.

You hear this in the dialogue of cheating spouses all the time. Things like "Oh, you're SOOOO perfect, aren't you!" and "Your self-righteousness nauseates me!" and "Oh, you can do NO WRONG in anyone's eyes, can you?!!"

Puppy,
Thank you for pointing this out. I now feel better about the completely out-of-left-field, unprovoked comment I got from my H around the beginning of this year: "YOU think you're better than me because I've been 'having an affair' and you haven't." And during the bomb conversation, when he spent about three hours telling me how terribly I had treated him, and how much better he felt with OW, and I was just sitting listening and keeping my reactions under tight control so that I wouldn't completely explode, he sneered at me, saying something along the lines of, "And now you're doing your ice-princess thing and going silent on me." To which I quietly said, "Would you prefer that I scream and yell and throw things?" Completely, utterly baffling! <SIGH>

Hooz,
I don't know what to tell you that you don't already know, but I do admire your strength and courage. BTW, I live in the St. Louis area--if you'd like to tell me how and when to find your H while he's here, I'll go smack him for ya! My H's OW is from your state, so maybe you can do the same for me when my H goes to visit her!

...it's hard to believe that he hates anything about himself these days!! He's a great guy, entitled to nothing but perfection. No doubt believes he was a wonderful husband. Great chaplain, swell candidate for priesthood. I would agree that I am the embodiment of everything he hates in the world, tho.

I get the impression that my H hates me too, although my friend who is close to both of us says no. Don't you want to say to him, "What the ^&*( did I ever do to you that you are treating me this way?" I do, but then I'm afraid he would go ahead and tell me!

Hang in there, Hooz! I'm thinking of you and praying for you!

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[hoosiermama]

Hi, Dawn--

I think we may be married to the same guy!

BTW--I'm neither strong nor courageous. I have pretty much folded under the pressure. I'd be happy to smack your OW--where's she from?! My H won't be in St. Louis; he's on call in the hospital on Thanksgiving. I think most of the rest of the family will be there, tho; the BIL and SIL live in Chesterfield. Altho the SIL and BIL here may not go since her father was just buried. If that's the case, D won't want to go. I hope that's what happens.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Same to you!