TxMom- help I'm still hopeful -#2 post

[Amy M]

Hope,

I have a story to tell. I told it on my thread about a month ago, but you likely didn't read it...

So, I've had trouble with the whole turning it over to God. I grew up in church, but my church taught lots of Bible and very little "personal relationship with God." So, that concept's been hard for me to grasp. In my early adulthood, I didn't attend church at all. I started going again about 2 and 1/2 years ago, but I was a "Sunday" Christian so to speak. So, I'm moving along like that and BAM!!! the bomb. I was devastated. I called a cousin. She had been through a similar sitch about 15 years ago. She told me, "Let God in. That's the only hope you have." I honestly wasn't sure how to respond, but I thought, "Why not...nothing else is working." So, I started praying and studying and attending Bible studies and doing devotionals online. And, the more I did the more I wanted to do.

That was background...now my story. So, the movie Fireproof comes out and everyone says to me, "You should take your H." I'm like, "Yea. Okay. Whatever!" But, I figure, I'll pray about it. Maybe God will answer me. So, I pray. I pray hard all day and that night before I went to bed. I said, "God, if I'm supposed to ask H to this movie, please let me know." I pray all day and nothing. So, I go to bed.

The next morning the first thought I have when I wake up is not "should I ask" but "How should I word the email that I send to ask H to see the movie?" I'm convinced that God answered that prayer. I invited. H went. He even said he was "Touched by it." Then, the following weekend I think he committed to a more serious R with OW! But, I know that God wanted me to take him for some reason so maybe a seed was planted. That's the first time I can honestly say that I know God spoke to me in direct response to my prayer. He has given me peace many times since then.

I'm sharing the story because I always believed that God didn't actually speak to folks directly. But, I've changed my mind. So, when you hear your own thoughts, weigh them. Are they in accordance with God's will? If not, they aren't his. If so, maybe they are. Keep praying until you know for sure. God uses all kinds of ways to communicate...I'd guess he uses scripture and other Christians most often.

Be still. He will speak to you if you have faith and listen!!!

TxMom...sorry to hijack!!!

Amy

[AllW8SBF]

I am so with Amy on this. Let go if nothing else it really liberates you and relieves ALOT of stress. And it has me thinking clearly about me, and I think God has the same wake up call for all of us. Focus on yourselves, you do so much for everyone else.

Hugs to everyone, I shall pray for all of you. God won't let us down if you just call out to him.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Hello everyone.. I can't sleep rough day and night yesterday ... long post..

THANKS for all of your encouraging words I will need more after this post...

I posted same post on Newcomers too.

Unforunately I think I've married someone who in the time of crisis has the ability to literally "shut down"... to date the worse pain ever....

He was very grumpy Friday night having the girls at his small 2x4 apartment and told me that evening that "we'll talk Monday but I'm not going to like it"... which he is eluding to wanting to put house up for sell b/c he thinks it will free him up financially so he can afford a bigger place.. this is my guess.

Well we got into some convo last night - I asked him how he feels when our daughter, Ellie, is crying the last three times he leaves and is pulling at him.. he seems so emotionalist.... he said it bothers him but he knows she'll be ok.. that he didn't abandoned her or leave them.. I said she doens't know the difference.

He feels that he sees the girls just as much as I do and eluded that the time with them is plenty..

So I said " if you left here everyday and went to your place and you were not involve with someone else I feel that you'd be so sad and crying a river missing these kids and the times with them" ...

he pauses and says " no I don't think it would change anything"

Me: so you don't miss tucking them in at night, or playing under the covers in the mornings... the couple of days you get are just fine for you?
H: I'm not you and I don't need the same you need...

Who is this guy.... did I have him all wrong.. how could your daughter crying not kill you... so LE I really don't think he gets in is car and crys at all... not kidding.... he seems so numb.

It gets worse... he makes a statement " it's not like I cheated on you 15 times or something " I said your kidding that you think one time or 15 makes the pain any less" ... "you moved out of our house right into her house and you don't see that as pain?"

I did bad DBing I tell you.... I asked him what he was doing... where he thought this was going with OW... did he want more kids?... he said he wouldn't answer this.. I said so you have you guys talked Marriage... " he said it has come up but not like every day" .... he had a work function Saturday night and he took her... he told me that some people know now and his boss is one of them b/c he was at this function. .. I said the other day you told me know one knows... so now other co-workers were at this function and she was with him... so he is bringing her around.. so cat is out of the bag.... I couldn't believe it... I thought his boss would be the one that would talk "since" into him.

I went down stairs.. started crying so hard.. Ellie is upstairs with him crying telling him not to leave.. they come down finally I went in kitchen and said I have one question " when did the A really start?" he said August.. " I said... so you left me for someone you had been with 30 days and moved in with her... so you've been with her 3 months and you are already talking marriage and kids?" I couldn't believe my ears... told him he was not telling me the truth... he said he was... I do believe him..

My H fell for me too very quick.. he is a romantic person and falls quick so it doesn't surprise me to some degree but it does that he has moved in with her... yes he got his own apartment only b/c I told him he needed to start watching the girls there he couldn't keep coming to house...

I feel done... I cried so much last night, couldn't believe that I'm up against that he might marry this women today at least. I know the future could change but I'm kidding myself if I'm waiting for some " bubble to pop" and my H wakes up... I think my heart can't take much more... My pain for my future my fears, how will I provide for my girls, I will have to change jobs so I don't travel sometime next year - I told him that maybe we need to move out of the state for awhile, that I need to detach.... said would he even care if he didn't see his kids for a month or more... of course he says yes he would.. We went in to much more... I told him about he'll need to provide and that I don't care what the courts tell him is required that it will be much more than that....

My friends who know him and us still think something is going on... for him to "shut it off" and not feel and not empathize with me or the kids and how this is hard. He has just snapped and is so done... I know you guys say don't listen to that but I feel now I might need to be done... can I ever honestly trust him if he came back not to just one day again be able to turn "us" off and turn on to someone else again?.... either way he isn't coming back or out of whatever he is going through anytime soon...

I'm hurting and don't know what to do... I'm definitely going to need space this week but I really feel I need to leave town, I want to escape with my girls and just leave for awhile... but I can't do that and I hate it...

God can not let these two people marry,,, I know many of you are in similar sitches... LE you are one.. I haven't gotten there until now and boy it is painful.. How do I protect my girls from future pain??? this hurts so bad..

I'm going to try to go back to sleep.... sorry for long post and thanks for any encouraging words because I will need it and need all of you.....

hurting in Texas!!!!!

[Trying2live]

Hey girl....{{Breathe}} I know this is hard adn I am so sorry you are hurting {{hugs}}. Ok I want to address a few things.

This is not God's will in the matter of any of our marriages. God is pro-family and I believe his is upset with our situations. But God does not control man or he would be a dictator correct? He does loving try to guide us all. God speaks to the heart of each person. Its a still small voice and a lot of times we discredit it as our own thought. Our H's do have an accountability part before God in this mess, but that IS NOT our job to do. I know I've told you that I am an associate pastors(H was too) so i say only things that I would only do myself. They have a conscience that God can and does speak to but they are in Fog so they discredit it. This is an attack, im my humble opinion, from the pit of hell to destroy our marriages. The bible says that satan has come to steal kill and destroy and unfortunately he can get to any of us. Look my H and I are associate Pastors and in the same church for 15 years, so no one is immune.

Now each person has there own tolerance and ability to what or who long they can fight for there marriage. This can only be decided by each of us. God will not be upset either way as in these circumstances God allows us to decide.

Ok you are still very new in this cycle. Yes you see mine as progress but I am fully aware it can go either way and have lots of hope but NO EXPECTATIONS. You see if you expect them to reason normally you are going to be hurt and if you keep getting hurt you are not going to be able to do this for long. you must also protect your love bank (SAA book) if you don't your bank will deplete and you won't care if he does come back because you will be done. He is talking, walking, living, thinking from the fog so your going to have to grab yourself with all your strength and NOT talk about the R. I know it's hard, i'm there too. But what perspective do you want, fog perspective. Remember to throw out almost all of what he is saying. You may hear stuff he's saying about the girls but you don't know what he truly feels when he is alone, its fog talk again. Plus, and this is important, you cannot be his conscience or try to get it into his head, he's not going to hear you and it's only creating a larger wedge. SAA would call this as a disrespectful judgment(i was guilty of this lots). have you read all of SAA yet because there are a lot of tips for just how to interact as a married person.

Please IGNORE all his fogbabble right now. Do not expect normalcy from him you are not going to get it and your going to keep getting hurt. You have got to protect your love bank and right away. Remember too I didn't implement Plan A until 5 months, I had almost 80 no contact with him and the 2 months he did visit the kids at the house I made sure I was gone or in my room. The negative emotions need to be reduced in your situation and right away. I had a few sessions with Jody and that's what she recommended and she was right on. When he visits you can run out for errands or something. But they dynamic needs to change pretty quickly.

Crying is ok. Get it out and then you can go on again.

What books have you read so far, and what GAL and 180s have you done. Have you finished DR?

I know this sounds bad, but it was asked to me so I will ask to you. Have you asked him if the OW is pregnant? I asked my H 4 times and he said 4 times that she is fixed so I hope that's true, not sure how I'd feel abt reconciliation if a baby was involved. Drop by my thread ANY time for anything if I can help you I will.

Go do some self care today, massage or pedicure, you deserve it.

[faithrunner]

Txmom, I just posted on your newcomers thread

[hope3343]

TxMom, I know how hard this is and we are really newbies still. We feel helpless and we cannot control. We feel like we are still married and they think they are on to a new free life. It feels like your guts are ripped out sometimes and they are.
Stop asking, questioning and thinking for them. That is one of my biggest faults also.
We can't figure them out -- of course we can't we are logical and they are on another planet. They were reasonable before but now we truly don't know them.
I do know the more I say stuff to my H -- the more he wants to run.
How much can we take -- we can only know for ourselves. I am going to try and hang onto my M as long as I can. This did not happen overnight, and I know it will be a long haul if I can last. We are here for you and pray and support you.

[TxMomw/2girls]

T2L -

I have been doing 180's and yesterday I was out the whole day but when I returned I was in my office and then we started talking.. it was just talking until I started crying.. which I'm OK with him seeing tears b/c he hasn't seen me cry since the bomb dropped.. I've been happy and moving on 90% of the time with a few backsliding...

I'm just unsure if I want him back but I know i've already said this before too...

I've read, DR, DB, SAA, Tough Love, Torn Asunder, and now for women only... and I do re-read some of these. just some days like today I don't want to "work" at getting him back... just honestly don't know if I could ever trust this man who gave his heart and love so easily to another women... one thing to be dating her, one thing to have an affair but come back and try to work on it, but to be fully in love or what he thinks is love either way - I have been replaced so easily.. I know this is something I can only answer too. time will tell..

I do GAL but I was always that women who had a life before all this, I've always played tennis, had girls weekends, nights out, work out, church etc... I'm planning a trip to visit my girlfriend in LA, maybe Austin too... bought concert tickets that my H would love to go with me and he has made comments about it too... have my Hawaii trip next summer - etc....

I need to detach and when I see him just go back to my friendly happy self in front of him and keep convo brief.. I'm going to try to get through Thanksgiving without much if any contact except text or email.

I will try to keep my head up... anything is possible and can change.

thanks friends...

[hope3343]

Hi TxMom, One question about the OW and work?? Does the OW and H work in the same department or does one report to the other? I think I asked this before. Because if H is bringing her to office parties I think that the boss should have issues with this? Find out if there is a code of ethics in his work place and what the company policy is for dating co-workers.

That is why I know my H is serious about hiw OW because she directly reports to H and he used to be so ethical so I know how muddled his brain is to continue this A. If I had heard that another co-worker was dating their boss I would report it to Mgmt but it is my H? If I tell I lose all financial support but ethically it is bothering me because it could reflect on me if they are found out and asked if I knew about it.

Keep your head up. We have our dignity and we can hold our heads up. We should not have to feel their shame.

[Little Engine]

TxMom--I feel for you friend, you are in a real tough spot today and you are feeling just awful I'm sure. I sense your pain as I read here how broken and busted H has made you today. I don't know him, but that he is acting like this, he is not your H! Would your H do this to you and your girls? Don't worry about the backsliding, you are frustrated, it is hard to keep PMA when the world you've known is crumbling around you. I'm sure finding out that his co-workers know about what is going on made it feel like he is another two steps out the door. You need to work on detaching and GAL. You are doing great overall, but you have to sort of prepare yourself for H's drama and the bad days. Detaching will keep you from getting sucked into this. I'm praying for you. Just as you are having this bad day, there are better ones ahead and probably some that are worse. It is all part of the roller coaster H has you riding. I can't think that H feels good about any of this that he is doing. He is just caught in the middle. He has to tell you all sorts of mean hateful stuff to justify his feelings? I go back to what you said about your MIL and how she sort of shoves emotions into the back of the bottom drawer. That seems like how H is handling this. He doesn't know any better because that is how he was raised. Tough to know what is really going on in any WAS's mind.

[Amy M]

I'll find you tonight! Hang in there!!!!

Amy