New thread? what new thread...uh oh, better go find it.
Nope, now new thread, Michelle just hadn't been to this one yet.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
Sugar, You are a strong person. It takes a very strong wife to make changes when their husband is doing things that are seemingly and realistically much worse. My husband is like you.
Hang it there.
The problem I am having now is I don't have much more hang in there left. My H pays lip service to wanting to get better and then does the same thing. He doesn't want to get better. He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants. I'm embarrassed to say that he called and asked to borrow money to live on the other night and I transferred it to him and while we were still on the phone he went and withdrew it and spent it at the cardroom. So I'm just at the end of my rope here.
He is a liar, an addict and I'm not sure that I want to even try anymore. He is hurting my kids tremendously and he doesn't CHOOSE to get better. Its really just too sad. I'm afraid he is going to have to lose everything before he get serious. It just makes me sad to see what this addiction has done to my family in 1 short year, the effects have been devastating.
On a happier note though, I'm going out tonight to have some fun. There is an AC/DC cover band that is going to be here, so I'm going with MIL and some friends to have dinner and see them play. I need this.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
hey girl stopping to say hi after you joined me in the beat up LIS W if she tears him up lol!! wow, we are on the same number of bombs, M to liars, my worse fear is he will knock up the exstripper ow, she has 2 kids she trapped men with that way....... hmmmmmmmm can i really stand on them if necessary lol? hugs have tonite!!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
I am very reactive and when I make comments that shame or rub his face in it, it has the opposite result of what I want. The other night I was hurt and disappointed and I wanted him to feel as badly as I did and I see that now. It not that what I said wasn't truthful, it just wasn't helpful and he didn't recieve it because of the manner in which it was said. Hmmmmmm, breakthrough?
Corey, I could've written the same exact thing about myself and the way I used to be. After H came back in March, unbeknownst to me, not all but some of the old GF was still in there. Thought I had gotten rid of her. Those old habits, ya know.
It's going to take a LOT of tongue-biting, a LOT of strength and restraint you never thought you had. But you do have it, and this is doable. Not only will you be a better person for it, you will feel a lot better about yourself. You will love the peace that follows - the peace in all your Rs and the peace from within yourself.
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This is my new goal, not only with H but in all my relationships. Man...I am a SCREAMING cancer when it comes to this part of me (Hard shell, retreat but always there with the pinchers if you get close enough to hurt me).
Good to hear.
BTW, my H is a cancer, too, so I can imagine....
Now, as to the gambling, I really don't know what to say. Yes, I have been through it with my H, but our sitches seem to be a bit different where this is concerned. My H gambled a LOT - poker, blackjack, sports betting, etc. However, believe it or not, he actually knew his limit and would stick to it. He'd win big sometimes and lose big other times, but he had a goal everytime he went out to play. If he made it, he would stop for the night. If he was on a negative swing, he wouldn't go below a set amount. LOL! OMG, when I really think about, my H was a responsible gambler! Except for when he first moved out. He was spending so much time at the card room to "escape" his misery and lost quite a bit (a few thousand), but made it all back through a bunch of OT. I didn't know any of this until he told me. He must've been feeling guilty about it or something.
The thing I didn't like about the gambling was that it consumed all of his free time. Time that should've been spent with me and the boys. I knew when he'd tell me, "I just want to go out and make a quick 500 bucks", that meant he wasn't going to be home in two hours like he said he would be. It meant he's either going to be here in two hours or he's not....let's hope it's the former, but I know it's not likely. It would piss me off when he'd say things like that knowing it probably wasn't going to happen. To me, it was a lie, and the resentment was festering inside.
Anyway, enough about me.
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He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants. I'm embarrassed to say that he called and asked to borrow money to live on the other night and I transferred it to him and while we were still on the phone he went and withdrew it and spent it at the cardroom. So I'm just at the end of my rope here.
I understand the embarrassment you must feel. It's hard knowing you did something to enable the undesirable behavior. You just wanted to help. He's your H. It's hard, I know.
But you know the game he's playing...."He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants."
Are you going to keep playing it with him?
(((((Corey)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Now, as to the gambling, I really don't know what to say. Yes, I have been through it with my H, but our sitches seem to be a bit different where this is concerned. My H gambled a LOT - poker, blackjack, sports betting, etc. However, believe it or not, he actually knew his limit and would stick to it. He'd win big sometimes and lose big other times, but he had a goal everytime he went out to play. If he made it, he would stop for the night. If he was on a negative swing, he wouldn't go below a set amount. LOL! OMG, when I really think about, my H was a responsible gambler! Except for when he first moved out. He was spending so much time at the card room to "escape" his misery and lost quite a bit (a few thousand), but made it all back through a bunch of OT. I didn't know any of this until he told me. He must've been feeling guilty about it or something.
H used to be a "responsible" gambler. He used to be able to go down and play a tournament or just play for a couple of hours and leave. He actually paid cash for our pool with gambling winnings. This was before it took over his life. It got really bad when he first moved out and then started to taper off, but in the last couple of weeks it has taken another sharp upswing. Not that its at all my business, but I find it really sad that the Troll is there as much as he is. Today is her due date and they sat at the cardroom all night long, until 7am playing cards. I can remember how miserable and tired I was at the end of both of my pregnancies and can't begin to imagine sitting anywhere all night long no matter how addicted I was.
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
The thing I didn't like about the gambling was that it consumed all of his free time. Time that should've been spent with me and the boys. I knew when he'd tell me, "I just want to go out and make a quick 500 bucks", that meant he wasn't going to be home in two hours like he said he would be. It meant he's either going to be here in two hours or he's not....let's hope it's the former, but I know it's not likely. It would piss me off when he'd say things like that knowing it probably wasn't going to happen. To me, it was a lie, and the resentment was festering inside.
Yep to all of the above. My H is TOTALLY consumed by gambling. If he isn't there, then he is either planning on going there, obsessing about it or whining about how much hes lost. He actually likened he and the Troll to crack addicts (must be love...) and it just makes me sad and mad for the same reasons you mentioned. It makes me so mad that my kids KNOW he CHOOSES not to spend time with them because he is there. It hurts my son so much because he realizes that its a choice and that his dad chooses that life over us. My daughter understands, but not quite as much as her brother. It just hurts her because he is very obvious in his preference for my son and rarely makes a real effort with her. The lying pisses me off the most. If he could or would just be honest, for a second then things would be so much easier. But I KNOW, addicts lie, cheaters lie...first and foremost to themselves. Its all just such a waste you know?
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
Quote:
He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants. I'm embarrassed to say that he called and asked to borrow money to live on the other night and I transferred it to him and while we were still on the phone he went and withdrew it and spent it at the cardroom. So I'm just at the end of my rope here.
I understand the embarrassment you must feel. It's hard knowing you did something to enable the undesirable behavior. You just wanted to help. He's your H. It's hard, I know.
But you know the game he's playing...."He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants."
Are you going to keep playing it with him?
The short answer? No. I inadvertantly did something to enable his bad behavior and it won't happen again. I told him, without yelling or being sarcastic or anything resembling emotion really that I will not loan him money again, under any circumstances. I told him that I loaned him money because I thought he needed money to "live" on and that since he lied to me and was rude and callous about my feelings that I would not put myself in that position again. I feel like he did it just to be mean and I'm not going to do it again and I asked him not to put me in the position to have to say no. That was a difficult lesson, but a good one. He is like a bad little kid and I'm tired of this game.
To see him now just hurts my heart. I know the person he was/can be and I guess maybe thats why its so hard to see what she sees in this man.
On a happier note, I went out and had a GREAT time last night. It was fun and I was so glad just to get out of the house. We also got some really cool news. My son got invited to play on a football team at a tournament in Vegas over Thanksgiving weekend! I'm really excited for him. He missed several games with the collar bone and now he will get a couple of them back in this tournament. It also means I don't have to go and hang out and play "family" at MIL's house. I had mentioned to her that I wouldn't be coming, before this came up and she was not happy about it at all. Heres the dilema though, H is coming with us and we will all be staying together. I'm not really sure what to think or say about this. Its going to be confusing for the kids for a number of reasons. I'm also not sure taking a gambling junkie to Vegas is a good idea, but I wouldn't miss it for anything. The one thing I can credit H with though is when he heard that DS got the invite he said that we would go (I was stressing about how I was going to pay for it if he balked about it at all) and it was a done deal. I would have done whatever I needed to in order for DS not to miss this opportunity, but it will be easier to have someone to share expenses with. Thanks GF.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I told him that I loaned him money because I thought he needed money to "live" on and that since he lied to me and was rude and callous about my feelings that I would not put myself in that position again. I feel like he did it just to be mean and I'm not going to do it again and I asked him not to put me in the position to have to say no.
Good for you.
Don't let him guilt you into loaning him money and don't feel guilty for having to tell him no. He's a grown man, right? Let him deal with it.
I see two positives here by telling him no - 1) he will have to face what he's doing to himself (the consequences of uncontrollable gambling), and 2) if he's strapped for cash, it's going to put a LOT more strain on the R with Troll. JMO.
Also JMO, but I wonder if he would've been so eager to join you and DS for the football tournament had it been located anywhere other than Vegas. It's like the ultimate dose of crack for these addicts!
Ah well. I hope for your son's sake that your H can exhibit some self-control and actually be around while you guys are there and not live in the casinos all night and day. Remember though, no expectations. Share the costs, but plan everything out as if it's just going to be you and DS (DD, too, if she's gonna be there). Don't count on H to make it to dinner or to the game on time, kwim? Just saying this because it's obvious he hasn't worked through his issues.
Congrats to your DS!!!
(((((Corey)))))
Last edited by GoingForward; 11/10/0808:18 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Yeah, I was reading in a book recently that if someone you love is screwing up, that you shouldn't try to protect them from the consequences. They have to experience them to be able to learn and grow. So by not helping your H with $$, you actually will be helping him. And yeah if it causes problems in his R with troll then frosting! Karen
) and it just makes me sad and mad for the same reasons you mentioned. It makes me so mad that my kids KNOW he CHOOSES not to spend time with them because he is there. It hurts my son so much because he realizes that its a choice and that his dad chooses that life over us. My daughter understands, but not quite as much as her brother. It just hurts her because he is very obvious in his preference for my son and rarely makes a real effort with her. The lying pisses me off the most. If he could or would just be honest, for a second then things would be so much easier. But I KNOW, addicts lie, cheaters lie...first and foremost to themselves. Its all just such a waste you know?