We had a really good weekend. Really good. I am doing this new thing with the kids. It is similar to what I do with myself - think about tgraces, things to be thankful for. I am trying to share that with them. Once a day, when we sit down to a meal, I ask them to share what they are thankful for. Usually it is dinner. We don't pray, but during the meal I ask them what they are thankful for. At first they were rolling eyes at me, but it has been about 4-5 weeks now, and they are not embarassed at all. They are happy about silly things and serious things, and they share.
Yesterday at breakfast my daughter said "family" for the thing she was thankful for. My son said "time with you, Dad." They were afraid to say this kind of stuff since I left the house, and the wife locked me out. When I was in the house I would do this with them, talk about things to be thankful for, and "family" was a common one. Since then it has been tough on them, and we didn't speak of "family".
And we naturally also started talking about things they don't like. Which is great. The whole point was to get them to talk. So we can talk about stuff we like and stuff we don't like and it's all good. This is the thing my wife's family never did, and it leads to unresolved conflict and resentment. I'm going to make a concerted lifetime effort to make sure my kids know how to talk about good and bad stuff, and know how to listen when people talk. It's a skill that some of us never learn. We will practice it. By asking them about stuff they like and don't like, I am helping them practice it.
The girls had an argument over what movie to watch on Saturday night. It was a long drawn-out disagreement. It wasn't really about the movie - it was about who was going to pick the movie. And they would argue and then turn to me, inviting me to save them, resolve the disagreement for them. There were some obvious opportunities - you pick the movie this week and I will pick next week. Or, rocks paper scissors. etc etc. But I didn't intervene. I just made sure they were calm and fair, and I let them argue it out themselves. I'd rather they learn to resolve differences themselves, than rely on me to solve all problems. I'd rather have them argue, than have a quiet peaceful house on the surface, while they silently develop an aversion to all conflict. And eventually the girls came up with a solution. And it was cool.
My 10-yr old daughter left her mobile phone (yes, they all decided to get mobile phones with their allowances - $10/month) at the club yesterday afternoon. We had gone swimming, and the girls go in the women's locker room by themselves. Well she left her phone. And she was upset about it, I think partly because it was lost and partly because it was her own mistake. She gets really down on herself. For me, another teaching moment. I empathized with her, it stinks to lose your phone. Then I asked her what she was going to do. and together we figured out a plan. (she would look in the car and in her jacket, I would call the club to ask if they had found it). Longer term I would like her to get to be more confident, more gentle with herself. To realize that everyone makes mistakes, and it's ok. You can work to fix them. It's not about the phone. It's a moment for her to learn, for me to support her.
chicki, what you wrote was really nice to hear. Thanks. Here's the thing: I decided there is no way I am going to win in court. I am never going to be treated "right" by the court. I have proven it to myself repeatedly. Because I have male gonads, I am 50% criminal right there. So I dropped "fairness in court" as a goal. On the other hand, where it really matters, with my kids, I have a chance to "win", and that means, build and maintain a great relationship with them. Parent them as only a father can, as only I can. and so that is what I do.
hide and seek, and being thankful, and making lasagne, and foot rubs and all that - that's what I do.
