Please help!! My husband dropped the bomb in March of this year, about being unhappy and not sure whether he wanted to stay married, said let's give it six months, but would not or could not say why. At first he had interest in counseling, then changed his mind before anything was even scheduled. At first he moved out of our bedroom, then moved back in bedroom and things were looking good for us, then maybe a week or two later moved out again with no explanation and for no apparent reason. There were signs he was cheating, but no real proof because he does not use cell phone and uses web browser that has "private browsing" so his online activities leave no trace.
Been married twelve years, with eleven year old son. Since March, I have not been talking about the R, have been as sweet, pleasant and agreeable as possible, taking the initiative sexually, not complaining about anything, ... and recently I discovered his secret cell phone. All calls were to/from the same number, multiple times per day. I confronted him about it the same day but issued no ultimatum. He clearly felt guilty and was ready to move out but I assured him that was not necessary, it would be better for our son if he stayed. That was about four weeks ago. He said it was someone he met on relationship forum. Would not divulge anything else, other than he's known her a "few months" (pretty vague number), she is married too, sees her a couple times a month, and when I expressed anger about STDs since we are still periodically sexually active, he said no, they are "just friends." Well excuse me, any relationship you need to keep hidden from me does not exactly constitute a "just friends" relationship, regardless of whether or not it involves any physical contact.
It could be MLC, he is in his forties and not as successful as he hoped and he has developed ailments like back issues. I think reason he originally said let's see in six months was because I was scheduled to finish my graduate degree in September, but I will now graduate in December (hopefully) because have reduced my course load because classes are very difficult and I am too distracted with depressing marital situation to really focus on my studies.
He has been back in our bedroom for about ten days now. Do not know why, maybe he was thinking about giving us another chance. I was feeling a little more hopeful, then could feel him pulling away again. My intuition is often right. Today he was supposedly going to work. He has the perfect job for someone engaging in an affair. He works long hours, he is the only one at his work that does his job so when he needs to go to office on weekends and work late, no one else is there, and he does not get overtime so no way to verify he is truly at work. Unless I check up on him.
Today I was suspicious, he had not been working late or on weekends for at least one week, but today he was going to work in morning. So I drove to his work and did not see his car in parking lot. This was about 90 minutes after he left and his office is only a 15 minute drive from our home. I called his work on my cell phone, left message on his voice mail. Was that a mistake? He called back about three hours later, said he went out to eat breakfast, then stopped at this toy show he had told me he would go to on his way home from work. A toy show in the same city he works would not be a long drive, and would not take three hours to see! I am positive he had a meeting with his EA/PA.
I thought DB/DR advises not to bring up R, not to issue ultimatums, and I have been following the program and not doing those things, but what is the point? If I don't bring up the relationship, who will? If I don't ask him to stop his EA, and he knows I know about it, doesn't this amount to condoning the EA? Why should he stop? He can have his cake and eat it too. On the other hand, if I issue ultimatum, it is likely he would say okay, let's get divorced.
I have read the Divorce Remedy and I do not recall any guidance as to how to handle my situation. What do you do when one spouse absolutely refuses counseling, does not offer to end EA, does not initiate talks about R, but does not move out either and even moves back in the bedroom. He sounds conflicted, doesn't he? What, if anything, can I do to help him through this confusion? He needs counseling, needs to talk with objective professional about his life, not with EA who will only serve to perpetuate his confusion and provide a "misery loves company" type of addiction.
Sorry this is so long. I am seeing a counselor but she is on leave of absence until ? I would welcome all opinions. Pretending everything is okay with him when I am crumbling inside is really becoming unbearable...
Why don't you just talk to him? There are ways to confront without issuing ultimatums. Right now, I tend to agree -- if he knows that you know, then he's cake-eating, and he probably feels your condoning his adultery.
Thanks for your replies, MakingChanges, Puppy and cbdmod.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Why don't you just talk to him? There are ways to confront without issuing ultimatums. Right now, I tend to agree -- if he knows that you know, then he's cake-eating, and he probably feels your condoning his adultery.
Puppy
Puppy, I would love to talk to him and really do want to issue ultimatum, because as long as he is involved in A, there is no moving forward for us and I am sick of being in limbo. Would like to tell him either quit his A and work on our M, or else move out (would not say "divorce"). I would say this, except I really do not want him to move out! How can I confront without issuing ultimatums?
Puppy, I would love to talk to him and really do want to issue ultimatum, because as long as he is involved in A, there is no moving forward for us and I am sick of being in limbo. Would like to tell him either quit his A and work on our M, or else move out (would not say "divorce"). I would say this, except I really do not want him to move out! How can I confront without issuing ultimatums?
You make it about YOU -- a "boundary", not an "ultimatum."
Example:
ULTIMATUM: "You need to stop seeing this other woman, or else!"
BOUNDARY: "I am not willing to live in an open marriage."
ULTIMATUM: "You have to stop text messaging her from inside our home!"
BOUNDARY: "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband disrespects me by text messaging another woman in front of me. It violates my personal integrity."
The key to effective boundary-setting is that you basically say "Look, you're an adult, and I can't tell you what to do. But I absolutely CAN tell you the kind of marriage that I'M willing to live with, and these are deal-breakers for me. You can do whatever it is you wish, but know that my response will be based on what you decide, and I won't wait forever."
After he got home from work yesterday, he was laying face down on floor, watching TV with our son. Said he was feeling sick because he has not been eating well lately. I think he was sick with a case of the guilts!
Puppy, I like your idea of setting boundaries, it is a lot more empowering than saying nothing at all. The problem is, if I say "I can't live in a marriage where my husband..." he will just say "are you asking me to move out?" and then he could very well do that. Not what I want right now, but a few more weeks of this and I will be showing him the door out.
I was excited and thought it was a good sign that he recently moved back in the bedroom with me. Now I no longer want to sleep in the same bed with him.
After he got home from work yesterday, he was laying face down on floor, watching TV with our son. Said he was feeling sick because he has not been eating well lately. I think he was sick with a case of the guilts!
I wouldn't count on a case of the guilts while he's in the "fog". It's not likely to happen. In fact, he's probably figuring out how his A is your fault. Believe me, he'll find a way to put it on you. In his twisted world you are the cause of all of his unhappiness. You are the reason he had to seek comfort from someone else.
Originally Posted By: triste08
Puppy, I like your idea of setting boundaries, it is a lot more empowering than saying nothing at all. The problem is, if I say "I can't live in a marriage where my husband..." he will just say "are you asking me to move out?" and then he could very well do that. Not what I want right now, but a few more weeks of this and I will be showing him the door out.
Tell him that decision is his. He is the one with OW, not you. He's the one in control right now, you have to take back control of the situation. I wish I had known long before I did about my W's A, I would have had time to deal with it then instead of getting hit with the bomb. Had I had time to be angry about it then I probably wouldn't have said anything to her, I would have just packed her clothes for her without saying a word. And left her to be the one scrambling to pick up the pieces. Instead I handed her everything she wanted without even knowing I was doing so.
You have to be the one in charge. The outcome may not be what you want, but you cannot stand idly by and do nothing. Be proactive. The reason so many of LBS's are scrambling to put our marriages and lives back together now is that we weren't proactive. Force his hand.
Do you have the DR book? If not, get it. He has to make a choice, and he most likely will not until he's so fogged in that you won't recognize him any longer or until you force him to do so.
As Puppy said, it doesn't have to be an ultimatum, make it his choice.
Best of luck Triste,
Dash
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
Thank you for the advice, Dash, and the push to take control of the situation.
When I first read the DR, the MLC chapter seemed more applicable to me. I did not know about his A although I did suspect it for quite some time. I need to re-read DR and look at this forum for advice on handling EA/PA.
H has refused MC, but today he called to let me know he made appt for IC on Thursday! This is good news, right? Better he confide in a professional rather than OW. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during that session. I would love to know what he has been doing, who he has been doing it with, and more importantly, what his thoughts are about his life and marriage...
After he got home from work yesterday, he was laying face down on floor, watching TV with our son. Said he was feeling sick because he has not been eating well lately. I think he was sick with a case of the guilts!
Puppy, I like your idea of setting boundaries, it is a lot more empowering than saying nothing at all. The problem is, if I say "I can't live in a marriage where my husband..." he will just say "are you asking me to move out?" and then he could very well do that. Not what I want right now, but a few more weeks of this and I will be showing him the door out.
I was excited and thought it was a good sign that he recently moved back in the bedroom with me. Now I no longer want to sleep in the same bed with him.
Triste,
Yes, adultery can weigh VERY heavily on a wayward spouse, physically and emotionally. I swear I saw my wife age 2-3 years in just three months, right before my eyes.
If your husband says "Are you asking me to move out?" you simply repeat the "I cannot live in a marriage ..." line, and tell him HE has some decisions to make. Do not let him put it back on you, and let him make you issue an ultimatum. He may get frustrated with your repetition, but too bad.
I hate to say it, but I'd also suggest that you get a full-panel STD test immediately, if you had unprotected sex with your husband.
Setting boundaries is for YOUR emotional health, Triste -- it's not for him. You're basically saying "I can't tell you what to DO, but I can absolutely tell you what kind of marriage I am willing to live in."
Oh, and tell him that your patience isn't without limits -- but don't give him any deadlines.
