Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

So just journaling on this...

Am still fairly confused. This morning I got up and made coffee, and H wanted some too. I have always gone out of my way to do extra nice little things for him like prepare his coffee etc., but now he is actually saying thank you when I do some of these things. He suggested that I paint today. Painting is something he took up when very depressed and unable to figure out which things made him happy. I told him that I'd been wanting to, but didn't want to get into his stuff. He said it was fine and was pretty animated about the painting. So this was good. H also wanted to show me how his new sweater (from our shopping this weekend) looked on him. I thought this was pretty sweet. When he left the house he said "Later dude" which I found a bit annoying, but I wasn't expecting much affection after the ML last night.

This morning he IMd me and asked if I could deal with the car tax as he is busy with work and school. Actually I see this as a very good sign too, an acknowledgment that it is "our" car. He asked how I was too, always a good thing. I know I am looking so closely at every little thing that he's doing right now, but it's just that I really hope this change of heart lasts. It is different than anything else I've seen from him since before the bomb. In fact he's even being better toward me than he was in the 30 days or so pre-bomb when it was clear that something was wrong. Crossing my fingers that this lasts. I mean I know there are mood changes and ups and downs, but this really seems like a feelings shift if that makes sense, as if he sort of loves me again instead of resenting me. I don't expect to hear this anytime soon, but for now I am content with feeling it.

Also, other than those 2 horrible R talk nights where I lost it, we haven't had any disagreements. We used to fight all of the time. I literally feel incapable now of fighting about anything, or showing irritation about anything non-R related. I really can't believe what a different person I have become in terms of how I want to act in the R. I truly hope that he sees this and trusts me a little bit more.

ITH