Can't I Take Away All This Pain

[Sugar and Spice]

Now, as to the gambling, I really don't know what to say. Yes, I have been through it with my H, but our sitches seem to be a bit different where this is concerned. My H gambled a LOT - poker, blackjack, sports betting, etc. However, believe it or not, he actually knew his limit and would stick to it. He'd win big sometimes and lose big other times, but he had a goal everytime he went out to play. If he made it, he would stop for the night. If he was on a negative swing, he wouldn't go below a set amount. LOL! OMG, when I really think about, my H was a responsible gambler! Except for when he first moved out. He was spending so much time at the card room to "escape" his misery and lost quite a bit (a few thousand), but made it all back through a bunch of OT. I didn't know any of this until he told me. He must've been feeling guilty about it or something.

H used to be a "responsible" gambler. He used to be able to go down and play a tournament or just play for a couple of hours and leave. He actually paid cash for our pool with gambling winnings. This was before it took over his life. It got really bad when he first moved out and then started to taper off, but in the last couple of weeks it has taken another sharp upswing. Not that its at all my business, but I find it really sad that the Troll is there as much as he is. Today is her due date and they sat at the cardroom all night long, until 7am playing cards. I can remember how miserable and tired I was at the end of both of my pregnancies and can't begin to imagine sitting anywhere all night long no matter how addicted I was.

The thing I didn't like about the gambling was that it consumed all of his free time. Time that should've been spent with me and the boys. I knew when he'd tell me, "I just want to go out and make a quick 500 bucks", that meant he wasn't going to be home in two hours like he said he would be. It meant he's either going to be here in two hours or he's not....let's hope it's the former, but I know it's not likely. It would piss me off when he'd say things like that knowing it probably wasn't going to happen. To me, it was a lie, and the resentment was festering inside.

Yep to all of the above. My H is TOTALLY consumed by gambling. If he isn't there, then he is either planning on going there, obsessing about it or whining about how much hes lost. He actually likened he and the Troll to crack addicts (must be love...) and it just makes me sad and mad for the same reasons you mentioned. It makes me so mad that my kids KNOW he CHOOSES not to spend time with them because he is there. It hurts my son so much because he realizes that its a choice and that his dad chooses that life over us. My daughter understands, but not quite as much as her brother. It just hurts her because he is very obvious in his preference for my son and rarely makes a real effort with her. The lying pisses me off the most. If he could or would just be honest, for a second then things would be so much easier. But I KNOW, addicts lie, cheaters lie...first and foremost to themselves. Its all just such a waste you know?

He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants. I'm embarrassed to say that he called and asked to borrow money to live on the other night and I transferred it to him and while we were still on the phone he went and withdrew it and spent it at the cardroom. So I'm just at the end of my rope here.

I understand the embarrassment you must feel. It's hard knowing you did something to enable the undesirable behavior. You just wanted to help. He's your H. It's hard, I know.

But you know the game he's playing...."He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants."

Are you going to keep playing it with him?

The short answer? No. I inadvertantly did something to enable his bad behavior and it won't happen again. I told him, without yelling or being sarcastic or anything resembling emotion really that I will not loan him money again, under any circumstances. I told him that I loaned him money because I thought he needed money to "live" on and that since he lied to me and was rude and callous about my feelings that I would not put myself in that position again. I feel like he did it just to be mean and I'm not going to do it again and I asked him not to put me in the position to have to say no. That was a difficult lesson, but a good one. He is like a bad little kid and I'm tired of this game.

To see him now just hurts my heart. I know the person he was/can be and I guess maybe thats why its so hard to see what she sees in this man.

On a happier note, I went out and had a GREAT time last night. It was fun and I was so glad just to get out of the house. We also got some really cool news. My son got invited to play on a football team at a tournament in Vegas over Thanksgiving weekend! I'm really excited for him. He missed several games with the collar bone and now he will get a couple of them back in this tournament. It also means I don't have to go and hang out and play "family" at MIL's house. I had mentioned to her that I wouldn't be coming, before this came up and she was not happy about it at all. Heres the dilema though, H is coming with us and we will all be staying together. I'm not really sure what to think or say about this. Its going to be confusing for the kids for a number of reasons. I'm also not sure taking a gambling junkie to Vegas is a good idea, but I wouldn't miss it for anything. The one thing I can credit H with though is when he heard that DS got the invite he said that we would go (I was stressing about how I was going to pay for it if he balked about it at all) and it was a done deal. I would have done whatever I needed to in order for DS not to miss this opportunity, but it will be easier to have someone to share expenses with.
Thanks GF.