Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

So journaling again...

Well so far so good still, but this is still making me nervous. I keep waiting for another R talk and that puts me on edge.

I'm on my way to town now to see a movie with a friend. H even acted relatively interested in my plans, asked the name of the friend I was seeing, which movie etc. He's acted interested in the things I've been doing today in general, and called me little again. He heard me singing in the shower and asked me what I was singing...

I just don't want to get to another point where he panics and says the D word. I'm really scared of going through one of those conversations again. Every single action over the last nearly week has shown affection and even slight bits of romance, but I have been wrong so many times before. I am being so careful not to say anything remotely future-oriented, not to discuss living arrangements, and not to act overjoyed by his seeming new affection for me. I just wonder if there will be a point where H will say something positive to me or whether he still doesn't want to give me false hope. There's still an elephant in the room in terms of MC, spending the holidays together, living sitch etc...

I really hope that things will remain nice and easy when I get home tonight...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Good luck ITH, I am following and you seem to be handling things well. There IS still change around this week.. theres that big Pluto-Venus stuff Wednesday and a full moon in Taurus late Wed/early hours Thu and then.. well, Uranus goes direct 27th which could cause some upheaval.. so, keep on singing in the shower and being a different you! You never know...

Wishing you well for later,
Al x

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for this...

Is the Pluto/Venus link meant to be something harmonious? Is Uranus going direct usually a positive thing like Mercury going direct?

Thanks!
ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Pluto venus is intense... it can be passion it can be realising at the last moment this person is your soulmate, but also.. last time Venus was conjunct Pluto (26th Jan) was the day my ex came here and took all his stuff, got the keys to his flat and moved in. So, it can be endings too and a 'death' of something. But passion is called a 'little death' so I cant say, other than perhaps it will be dramatic? Theres a full moon right after too!

Uranus is not like Mercury, but it should cause a shift and turnaround, but depends where Uranus is at the mo - whether its hitting a personal planet or angle. For me, its right on my Sun directly. Its not positive or negative, but it can cause changes, revolution... think Obama getting in! Surprises etc, but depends where it is, like I said.

Al x

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

been away for a week, but it looks like you've been busy! Although you are terrified of the R talks, I have to say that you've done a really good job of making it through them. Try to stay calm and cool with everything.

I hope that H is willing to commit to X-mas plans with you- I am hoping for the same thing in my case. Why do they have to be so tentative about everything?

Just try to take each minute as it comes, and not to focus too much on the future. That is where we all seem to lose it... I am convinced that they (WAS) need lot of the little good minutes to convince them that a future is possible.

[istherehope]

Thanks Ali and Sep,

Just on my way home now; h texted to see if I was on my way already. I hope this is just affection and not an itch for an R talk. I feel skittish like a beaten puppy now, like I want to believe the positive things I am seeing and hearing, but having a hard time trusting.

Opt-seems like you and I are in somewhat similar sitches in terms of spending more and more time with our Hs...here's hoping for Xmas plans with them and of course reconciliation...

ITH

[istherehope]

So quick journal entry...

Got home last night around 9, and was a bit nervous as H was playing video games and didn't seem that happy to see me. Of course keep in mind that I'm assuming things here as I'm a bit paranoid...

I made us some food, and hung out upstairs. He came upstairs too and we hung out and watched part of a movie. I was nervous at first that when he came up he wanted an R talk, but when we started watching the movie, I felt better. We joked around during it a bit, and sat near each other on the couch, but without touching.

Then we went to bed, and he did the thing where he plays with my nose. This was good as it had been awhile since he did that...there was, as usual, no touching in bed and he seems to try to keep a reasonable distance. However, he woke me up during the night and there was ML...This, to me, is a good sign as it's something he had said he didn't want because he didn't feel close to me. Hopefully he's feeling closer now...the only other time this has happened since he said that was in Galway, when he had been drinking a lot. This time he would have no such excuse. Of course I will not raise the topic.

So, now I'm just trying to figure out how many more nights I stay before I go back to my friend's house. I feel like things are going really well, but I want to make sure it stays that way. Tonight H has class and won't be home until 11, so no reason for me to leave tonight. I'm thinking tomorrow, but am hoping for some inspiration. It would be so much easier if he would just tell me how many nights alone he prefers, but I guess in this way it's me showing that I understand without being asked...

ITH

[istherehope]

So just journaling on this...

Am still fairly confused. This morning I got up and made coffee, and H wanted some too. I have always gone out of my way to do extra nice little things for him like prepare his coffee etc., but now he is actually saying thank you when I do some of these things. He suggested that I paint today. Painting is something he took up when very depressed and unable to figure out which things made him happy. I told him that I'd been wanting to, but didn't want to get into his stuff. He said it was fine and was pretty animated about the painting. So this was good. H also wanted to show me how his new sweater (from our shopping this weekend) looked on him. I thought this was pretty sweet. When he left the house he said "Later dude" which I found a bit annoying, but I wasn't expecting much affection after the ML last night.

This morning he IMd me and asked if I could deal with the car tax as he is busy with work and school. Actually I see this as a very good sign too, an acknowledgment that it is "our" car. He asked how I was too, always a good thing. I know I am looking so closely at every little thing that he's doing right now, but it's just that I really hope this change of heart lasts. It is different than anything else I've seen from him since before the bomb. In fact he's even being better toward me than he was in the 30 days or so pre-bomb when it was clear that something was wrong. Crossing my fingers that this lasts. I mean I know there are mood changes and ups and downs, but this really seems like a feelings shift if that makes sense, as if he sort of loves me again instead of resenting me. I don't expect to hear this anytime soon, but for now I am content with feeling it.

Also, other than those 2 horrible R talk nights where I lost it, we haven't had any disagreements. We used to fight all of the time. I literally feel incapable now of fighting about anything, or showing irritation about anything non-R related. I really can't believe what a different person I have become in terms of how I want to act in the R. I truly hope that he sees this and trusts me a little bit more.

ITH

[Separated]

It does feel good not to fight with them anymore, huh?

It sounds like you guys are doing much better and you are getting pretty good with avoiding the serious R talks. I'm glad that you had a pretty good weekend and even in spending time with him you enjoyed some GAL too!!! I am sure that H sees the changes in you but just won't comment on them yet.

I also find it interesting that he wants to share painting with you as this is his 'release' in trying to find happiness. I think that, that in itself is a great sign!!

Don't let the "later, dude" get to you...you know he is not going to say "Good bye My Love, Have a great Day!" (Even though that's what we all want!!) But look at the positive that he did acknowledge that you were leaving and didn't just ignore you!!

Just keep positive your road seems to be turning around!!!

[istherehope]

So journaling...

Last night H was in school, so didn't get home until 11 PM. I was in bed, where we chatted just a little bit about non-serious things like movies, and painting, and the pets. H did mention us working on the yard this weekend, so that was positive since he sees me being around over the weekend. There was one time where he was just silent and laid there for a few minutes. I started to get pretty nervous as it seemed like he was thinking about something, and am pretty sure it was R related since it always seems to be. I just closed my eyes and tried to sleep when he was being like that.

Then, about an hour after turning off the light, he initiated ML again. No affection afterwards or anything, but we did lay so that our arms were sort of touching.

This is really, really weird. I mean I think things are going quite well, but there has been no conversation about anything R related. I am fine with this, and would like to see if things continue to improve, but at some point there is going to have to be a real conversation about whether we go to MC, the living sitch etc. I fear that he could panic and say something negative too, so I am letting him completely take the lead on this one. I'm trying my hardest just to be myself, but without talking about any contentious topics. Sometimes it feels pretty superficial, but I do think it's good that we seem to be having more conversations in general. It also must be good that there is ML again. I mean it happened 2 nights in a row, and he hadn't been drinking, so even though I would not ask him about this, I am going to believe this means he feels closer to me...

OK well today is a "normal" day where we both have work and nothing afterwards. It will be interesting to just come home afterwards and see what it's like. Fingers crossed that we can continue avoiding R talks!

ITH