I am very reactive and when I make comments that shame or rub his face in it, it has the opposite result of what I want. The other night I was hurt and disappointed and I wanted him to feel as badly as I did and I see that now. It not that what I said wasn't truthful, it just wasn't helpful and he didn't recieve it because of the manner in which it was said. Hmmmmmm, breakthrough?
Corey, I could've written the same exact thing about myself and the way I used to be. After H came back in March, unbeknownst to me, not all but some of the old GF was still in there. Thought I had gotten rid of her. Those old habits, ya know.
It's going to take a LOT of tongue-biting, a LOT of strength and restraint you never thought you had. But you do have it, and this is doable. Not only will you be a better person for it, you will feel a lot better about yourself. You will love the peace that follows - the peace in all your Rs and the peace from within yourself.
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This is my new goal, not only with H but in all my relationships. Man...I am a SCREAMING cancer when it comes to this part of me (Hard shell, retreat but always there with the pinchers if you get close enough to hurt me).
Good to hear.
BTW, my H is a cancer, too, so I can imagine....
Now, as to the gambling, I really don't know what to say. Yes, I have been through it with my H, but our sitches seem to be a bit different where this is concerned. My H gambled a LOT - poker, blackjack, sports betting, etc. However, believe it or not, he actually knew his limit and would stick to it. He'd win big sometimes and lose big other times, but he had a goal everytime he went out to play. If he made it, he would stop for the night. If he was on a negative swing, he wouldn't go below a set amount. LOL! OMG, when I really think about, my H was a responsible gambler! Except for when he first moved out. He was spending so much time at the card room to "escape" his misery and lost quite a bit (a few thousand), but made it all back through a bunch of OT. I didn't know any of this until he told me. He must've been feeling guilty about it or something.
The thing I didn't like about the gambling was that it consumed all of his free time. Time that should've been spent with me and the boys. I knew when he'd tell me, "I just want to go out and make a quick 500 bucks", that meant he wasn't going to be home in two hours like he said he would be. It meant he's either going to be here in two hours or he's not....let's hope it's the former, but I know it's not likely. It would piss me off when he'd say things like that knowing it probably wasn't going to happen. To me, it was a lie, and the resentment was festering inside.
Anyway, enough about me.
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He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants. I'm embarrassed to say that he called and asked to borrow money to live on the other night and I transferred it to him and while we were still on the phone he went and withdrew it and spent it at the cardroom. So I'm just at the end of my rope here.
I understand the embarrassment you must feel. It's hard knowing you did something to enable the undesirable behavior. You just wanted to help. He's your H. It's hard, I know.
But you know the game he's playing...."He says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants."
Are you going to keep playing it with him?
(((((Corey)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
