the mlc files--I want to believe

[hoosiermama]

Don't laugh--I once did a funeral where they played "Don't Fear the Reaper" and "Nights in White Satin." I have some stories I could tell you.

[hoosiermama]

Today's the funeral; D is getting ready. I'm going to meet H halfway with her. Trying to be nice.

I have $15 to get thru the next week; I can't send flowers. I will, however, make a donation in his name when I get paid.

Actually, H is giving me a check today. He actually said, in his email, that it's hard to do that when he "experiences blasts of anger from me." Make that when he hears the truth! I said what I said the other night very calmly, very matter-of-fact. I have concerns about D seeing you leading prayer under the circumstances; we've been thru a lot and I think it's confusing to D to see you in this role when I can't even be there, but you're having an affair. Then he blasted ME. And he's going to tie support $$ for his daughter to his feelings about me? And put that in an email? Not smart. Not now. My L will get a copy. I replied to that email saying that it just seems silly to deny the affair at this point; we both know what's going on, we both know the timing; why bother denying it? It's all water under the bridge at this point anyway. Might as well stop denying the elephant in the room. No reply from him. No matter; he still gets what he wants. To play the stellar divorced dad and spiritual leader of the family, getting tons of affirmation with his daughter at his side.

So I'm grocery shopping while she's gone, doing a hospital visit. Cleaning and decluttering. The weather here turned overnight from unseasonably warm and pleasant to cold, cloudy and maybe even snow flurries later. I should do some yard things too.

OK, guys, I'm asking for help here. These next couple of months are going to be exceptionally hard for me. I hate the holidays anyway, but I need to rise above and be super mom. So that the holidays aren't bad for D the rest of HER life. I don't have much support; I don't have family. Friends are busy and probably feeling some compassion fatigue. I don't yet feel comfortable back in my parish. I don't know what I'd do without these boards, and I need you more than ever. Please walk with me through the holidays.

[brandnewday]

((((hugs))))
Look me up on FB, you will find loads of support over there...
Lots of friendly faces!!

[ANewMe]

I am there, too. One of BrandNewDay's many friends.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, BND and ANM. FB just seems so--public. Good for some things, but not all. However, at this point I'll take what I can get.

[hoosiermama]

SirPrizeMe--

You posted this to me on another thread:

Hoozh, I know it's hard. But I'm calling BS on you.
There's been no db'ing for me, because I don't really even exist to him as a person, only an inconvenience.
He is watching. You think he isn't but he is.
You can DB just fine. Get a life. Find happiness. He is watching and wondering. I guarantee it.

I'm trying to deal with reality here, and the first step is figuring out what it is. And I really believe that he never gives me a thought unless it's to work around me. At times I have envied, in a way, those whose husbands are being fence-sitters. Altho I am keenly aware that that is its own particular kind of hell, to have some personal contact that doesn't involve money or arrangements for D12--that would be somewhat reassuring. My H was a fence-sitter for years about Catholic priesthood. I had to let go enough for him to dive into that and discover it wasn't for him (altho everyone else already knew). Eventually he did, and dove into marriage and fatherhood. It was odd, but more recently he was planning to sort of bring the two--priesthood and marriage--together, to become an Episcopal priest. I wasn't all that much at peace about how he was going about it, but it seemed he'd finally have and be all he wanted. And then--new job, somewhat of an agonizing decision there. And then old girlfriend--and he made the decision to leave his family and build that relationship in a New York minute. Two days after she mirrored his interest, he was gone. No more fence-sitting. And he has not looked back over his shoulder even once. In fact, he's running farther and faster than even in the beginning. Can't speak civilly to me, can't make eye contact, is formally polite in most emails since court is coming up. His initial divorce settlement offer was incredibly awful; I'd have had only 50% custody and no support and I'd be paying him, the result being essentially living in poverty. Just go away, disappear, unless it's inconvenient for me to have D then you have to drop your plans--that's what I am to him now. In early summer he'd come over and have dinner with us sometimes, to spend some time with D. That got to me agreeing to leave so they'd have time together, and now he doesn't even come to the door when he picks up D, just honks. D says he's on the phone with OW all the time when she's at his place, never asks about me, never mentions me except occasionally in an irritated way. I don't think he wonders at all, I don't think he watches unless it's to trip me up in court. Still delusional--who knows what he told his family, but they don't want any contact with me--but he says it's my imagination. Where in any of that do you see any hope?

I'm trying to get a life, I really am. But I gotta tell you--it's really hard with all the financial concerns and with so little emotional support. Sometimes you just need someone to lean on, just briefly, until you feel like you can stand up again. I'm just going day by day--still!--and sometimes hour by hour. But my IC says I'm doing well under the circumstances.

[naej]

Hoose, I haven't much to say but I am thinkng of you and holding you in my prayers.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Surely there wil be some justice one day.
Hold on and take one day at a time. No help at all I know, but may you find some small comfort in the knowledge that your many cyber friends are praying for you.

[hoosiermama]

Naej--

It's not small comfort, it's huge.

It's not so much justice I want, just not to feel so rejected and suspended without any connection. I don't do well when I feel invisible--and that's how I feel. Gotta work on that.

[SirPrizeMe]

Dang, Hoozh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say.

but he says it's my imagination. Where in any of that do you see any hope?
I don't, honestly. Not today. But I have this amazing ability to rationalize stuff. Let me tell you what I see and think. I think he got an attorney. I think his attorney is doing his thinking for him. I think attorneys, particularly family law attorneys, were placed on this earth to teach people how to be dishonest, to duck responsibility, and to avoid natural and well-deserved repercussions. His initial proposal comes from the attorney, because the attorney says "give as little as you can, you can always give MORE than the court awards, but you cannot give less." Attorneys are adversarial - they think winner-take-all, or zero sum game, or whatever term you want to apply to the situation. That is what works. Over and over.

So as long as the attorneys are involved, that is how it will be. The attorney is fanning whatever flames of indignation and anger. My attorney did it to me, and I fired her for it. My wife's attorney does it. That is what they do. They make lots of money if they do it well.

So it will stink for you, as long as there is a professional mercenary involved. As long as there is someone who gets paid to antagonize and gets paid MORE if the strife is more intense.

Can you DB? Yes, I still think you can. He is reacting to you: he says you give him blasts of anger. Ok - take that for what it is. It is what he FEELS. Not what you give. what he FEELS. now you know. It is not your fault that he feels it, but he does. (probably it is the Incredible guilt within him) You mention his infidelity and it is pushing his buttons. and you KNOW IT. In fact some part of you maybe even delights in ticking him off. In goading him into a reaction. Some little devilish part of you WANTS to make him angry.

Now whether you are going to be with him in the future or not, do you want him to feel anger from you? probably not. it's probably not useful. Do you need to listen to that little voice that justifies you laying a guilt trip on him? The voice says: "IT's TRUE! It's not a guilt trip if it's TRUE!" You don't need to listen. IT may as well be the 8-year old saying "HE STARTED IT!" It doesn't matter who started it.

Look, If you feel his conduct is bad enough that a court will award you 100% custody, then by all means go after him and make that case to the court that your daughter will be better off without him. But if he is merely a flawed human who sins and errs and all the rest, in other words if he is just like the rest of us, then probably your daughter will benefit from having a relationship with him. If she is safe with him, then it is a good thing for her to know him, even if he is a very flawed person, even if his actions shock the conscience. And you've got to do your part to encourage that. It stinks, but it is true.

How you feel about his conduct must take a back seat. I don't mean you SHOULDN'T FEEL the way you do. Your feelings are very well justified I think. But voicing those opinions to him just now - not fruitful. You can, right now, start being more thoughtful about your own feelings. Come and share here, any time. Share your outrage and your hurt. With us. But not with him. He's not interested. He rejects all responsibility at the moment. You won't help him, and you won't help yourself, by expecting him to behave like a responsible adult.

So can you DB? yes you can. Right now you can work to gain better control over your hurt. Recognize it, get to know it, do not REJECT it or repress it. it is real and it is there for a reason. Embrace it, soothe it, accept it. And keep it for you. No need to try to give it away (won't work), shout it out (not helpful), or dump it on the space alien (fruitless). Gaining control is DBing.

Next is, you can get a life. Even if you are broke, you can. There are a thousand ideas here, each one as good as the next. But each one can sometimes seem so unreachable. Sometimes it is so hard to just get up off the sofa. (I know! I know! Trust me, I have been there.)

If you are looking for HIM to change his mind, to start behaving more like a human and less like a space alien, and if you are thinking, "if he would just be more civil, then I would feel better" you are barking up the wrong tree. That is not DBing.

Sometimes you just need someone to lean on, just briefly, until you feel like you can stand up again. I'm just going day by day--still!--and sometimes hour by hour.

I know! I know how it is. Do whatever it takes to get that support.

Let me tell you, I was the model of competence. I worked a little harder than I needed to. I worked out. I slept 5 hours a night. I saved for my kids' college tuition. Never missed a mortgage payment. I didn't swear. I flossed every day. I was competent.
But the wheels fell off. and I had to learn a new way. I found out that I could drop half of that crap, and still get by. I worked much less. I slept much more. I let a bunch of things go. The college savings? out the window. "Sad to see you go, friend, but it wasn't meant to be!" The mortage? buh-bye! etc etc.

And I found I'm ok with it. It's not what I wanted, but I'm still standing.

So maybe there is something like that for you. Can you let go a little more? Just accept a little more of your current plight. It is what it is. And you are still standing.

One day, I'm determined to join the ranks of the home-owners again. One day I will again be solvent, be responsible. One day again I will be proud of where I live. For now I am settling for being proud of HOW I live.

[BeingMe]

SPM, that was an awe inspiring post for Hmama or anyone else.

Hmama, I am so sorry you are going through this awful time. It would be pointless for me to tell you it will end soon, and there will be happy days again, or other challenges. This is life and all that will occur many times. At this point,though, you are going through a time of betrayal from someone who you should've been able to trust, but you found out that he is capable of causing you untold pain, and as a result your D12 too. It really sucks, but you have no control over him now, so keep out of his way as much as possible.

Thinking of you. ((((Hmama))))