I think I'm done......saddened, but strong.....

[Silent Chrleader]

(((((Snodderly)))))

Thanks for your continued support. I am not a religeous person at all, but I do definitely know that there are "forces" in the world we don't begin to understand (to think otherwise is just arrogant). Whether to call that God, or Karma, or Fate, or Nature, doesn't matter as far as I am concerned. But I do think that we are wise to be open to it and thankful for it's help in our journey.

I find myself second guessing all that I do. My recent contacts with H have been hard for him I think. A couple years ago the CEO of his company (a "Christian" organization) was "outed" as having had an affair with an employee. He then left his wife of 20+ years and married this woman, who now no longer works for the company. The CEO kept his job because the board felt they were in such a critical period with building a new facility and all, that to loose the CEO would be too much upheval. My H's immediate boss and his wife have been together since the kindergarten. H's "best friend" at work is a woman who's father was a minister and who told the CEO during their "retreat weekend to clear the air" that she would never respect him again for his lack of morals.

So, in my converstaions with H, I have told him that he is no different than this CEO that he thinks is the scum of the earth! And how would his boss and friend feel if they knew of this affair with his employee? H, of course, says it's not their business, which is absolutely true, and I'm not saying he should bare his soul to them, but I told him that I still didn't understand how he could look these people he cares about and respects so much in the eye and know that he is a hypocrit and they don't know him at all! That coupled with picture he has finally had to face up to of himself teaching our S17 how to drink and smoke and cheat and keep the secret (man law). Well, I just don't know. If this doesn't make him "hit bottom", nothing will. And even still, I don't think he has any remorse for the breakdown of the marriage/family.

So, now I don't know if I can turn and the the "safe place to fall". I think he's going to MC still because of some guilt about S17 and to show that he "tried". But, historically he has not been honest and open even in therapy, so it doesn't do much good.

As for Thanksgiving, I plan to take my S17 to our "dream house" and have a 4-day weekend with just us. My mom said she would make a turkey if anyone wanted, but I feel a need to be with MY family. I had hoped, and it was planned that the holidays this year would be with US. But H has been invited to his friend at work's house (the one with minister dad). So, he plans to go there I think. But, I still plan to spend some good time with my S17. My D24 might come too given the circumstances. She had originally planned to be with fiance's family, but now she might come with us. So, it might be just me and my kids. That would be a good thing. One thing I am glad for in all of this is my improved relationship with my kids! They are the light of my life!