Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

I was looking over the anniversary and birthday cards my W gave me up until the bomb. Yes, I saved most of them, they meant a lot to me.

It is killing me to read them now. I can see, in retrospect, what she was crying out for. The closeness, the cuddling, the romance. And I let her down on all accounts, so in a sense, I deserve this.

We did spend Sat. morn. as a family with D6 at the farmer's market. Didn't spend every moment together, but for a while it was just like we used to do.

I initiated a call tonight (Sun), to see how she was doing. Mostly I listened to her, which I was glad to do. She asked to say goodnight to D. and then hung up.

I can look at all her behaviour, pre and post bomb and tell myself rationally that she just can't sustain or maintain a marriage relationship, wasn't an equal partner, etc.

But I can't shake the regret that I many times ignored her deep needs. As she wrote on Valentines Day 2005:

'I love you very much! From your loving wife,___! I hope all our years together hold lots of hugs and kisses and special moments.

That's what I'm looking forward to !! I LOVE YOU!
Love, ____

There is a special place of torment, that only broken-hearted lovers know.....