The momentum of our SSM recovery continues to speed up, slow down, and occasionally run backwards sometimes, as it did this past month. I'm not entirely sure why (although financial and other life pressures play a big part of it), but we temporarily disconnected from each other: first sexually and then emotionally. Old habits and old reactions to each other came back for both of us, and we were in danger of REALLY spiralling backwards. Last Tuesday, however, our MC woke us both up strongly to this possibility, and stressed how important it was that we *not* unravel the months of improvements that we have made. In effect, he dragged us both over to the edge of the cliff and made us look over the precipice, saying "Do you really want to go back down there again?"
Neither one of us did. We've come way too far up this grueling mountain, and have even caught glimpses of the green valley on the other side. Perhaps it's a case where the climbing gets toughest as you near the top: we've done all the 'easy' work and made all the 'easy' changes, and what's left is for both of us to grapple with the core issues that spiralled our marriage out of control in the first place. Issues that speak to our basic personalities, how we handle intimate relationships, and how we handle sex and our respective sexualities. This means that in order to proceed forward, we *each* have to make further changes within ourselves, and difficult changes at that.
Without going into detail, I'll just state that she and I both have some nice psychological baggage to discard and get past: we have issues of abandonment, neglect, and abuse in both of our childhoods, albeit in very different forms for each. We both come from *very* broken homes, neither of which gave us examples of how to have healthy, intimate relationships. So our counselor essentially has the unenviable job of trying to work both of our cases simultaneously, helping two relationship-crippled folks to help each other and themselves -- and every time one of us stumbles, we both topple to the ground and have to get up again, as a team.
However, our counselor's little "You two are hitting bottom HERE, and no further drops allowed!" session seems to have helped, and we've made the last couple of days ones of improvement. The tension is still there, and we're walking on egg-shells with each other a bit, but we both came away feeling *heard* and better understood. That's a start. We even had a nice in-the-dark-cuddling talk last night and capped it by making love --> tenderly, and each understanding that the other was still feeling stressed, but also wanting to feel close.
I am still very aware of the fact that I am extraordinarily lucky to have a spouse who is actively working with me to fix our previously broken relationship, and to build a marriage that is far stronger and happier than we have ever had. But even so, it's still a rough climb sometimes.
Take care,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Hey B - It seems many of us here have had a very touch October. At least you are in good company. You are so very blessed that your spouse is actively working along with you.
If only my spouse would join me to *really* work together on our M. I am still only getting appeasement but no *real* effort to find passion for our R from her. Worst of all, she is not reading SSM as promised. Sure it's now laying out in full view again but as a dust collector.
Well keep up the good work man. These stressful times will pass and you once again be on the road to success in you M.
Hey, Cinco, idea: Wonder what would happen if we read the books to them. Maybe quietly at night before we fall asleep. I've thought about it several times. Or even when we're being couch potatoes (TV would be a problem, tho). I've always thought he'd just sit/lie there & tune me out. Also any vocal inflection while reading any particular section might sound to them ... judgmental? sarcastic? So I haven't tried it.
On Diane's thread I mentioned he'll get to ch 15 in 2010... but I did ask him about arousal, being horny, as opposed to desire. I read the explanation of the difference to him. He said he's never horny. Or aroused if we prefer that word. Doesn't think sexual thoughts during the day. Almost wish I hadn't asked.
I'm guessing you, like me, want your spouse to read the books so they'll at least think about their sexual feelings, get in touch with them sort of. Realize how we feel. Because they apparently don't want to deal with it on their own, let alone share with us.
I can imagine their dread at us asking, "What did you think about chapter 2" or "How did you feel about the part about telling your partner ........whatever." Like getting quizzed. Or 'grilled' as my bro in law calls it. Wouldn't it be cool if they read the book(s) and asked US those questions when they were done? Mmmmmmmmm maybe I'll fly that idea by my H & see how he takes it. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
The last two weeks were pretty smooth, as both of us put forth an effort to reqroup and recover lost ground. No arguments or fusses, good comminication, decent sex (not great, but that's alright), and the restoration of a definite emotional and physical connection between us.
But there was still some 'tension' there, in the background.
So this week, our counselor interviews each of us individually and informs me that my wife is still feeling a lot of PRESSURE, both in the areas of non-sexual touch and sexual frequency. For the most part, she's able to respond and has slowly been moving in my direction over the past several months (remarkably so, actually), but that the --pressure-- is still there, and it's wearing on her.
So the experiment for the next two weeks is for me to back off a couple of notches, and let her approach me in both areas. I'm not to stop approaching her entirely, but will give her some 'space' to feel her desire to approach me, and then for her to act on that desire, to take the initiator role rather than continue to play the role of responder.
We shall see.
I'll admit to being rather skeptical at this point. In my experience with her, I have to take the lead if changes in the relationship are going to happen. Left to her own devices, she will stand still in the road, even if the spot is not a particularly good one: at least it's familiar to her, rather than venturing forth into the unknown. She might *think* about moving, but utimately decides it's not worth the risk. We remained 'stuck' in the same spot for 20 years, until I made it clear that unless we made changes and began to travel down the road to a better relationship, the relationship would end right there.
So based upon the above, you can see my part in this experiment: to re-develop my TRUST in her with regard to her actively pursuing our emotional and physical connection. For the past year, I've been the one pursuing it and actively maintaining it -- and I'm admittedly afraid to pass the reins over to her.
Wish us luck!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Maybe she was stuck but I think her new awareness wnt let her get stuck again? What do you think?
I used to be stuck too and I am "unstcuk" now and I now know that I will never be so 'ignorant' if you will to the importance of sex to a M.
You too are aware so if this experiment goes too long you will know to say Hey this isnt working .. lets try this instead.
I have found that when my hubby eases up on the pressure my drive does come ..... lets say it goes 3 days ? I then devour him cause he allowed "it" ( whatever the hell it is ) to well up in me and I must have him.
It also feels good that he trusted me to not let him starve... and the smile on his face is priceless ....
If your Wife is feeling pressure then she cannot feel like she is fully allowed to be her own sexual self.... My H sees now that hey we may go a few days .. but when we ML it is *(&&^%%& good. I have then said to him " see isnt that nice?"
I guess what I am trying to say is would you ever be willing to trade x amount of days and then she initiates and it is 100% delicious, ( I ramble too! OOPS~ )
Love ya ~B
You can let go of the control. I know you can , surrender to this. Just for awhile. You may be pleasantly surprised. Love, ~Ava
Yes, I'm still around, and my own SSM recovery continues along in its jerky two-steps forward, one-step back manner. Life changes are HARD to make, and even HARDER to sustain, aren't they? I lurk here more than I post now, but you are all still in my prayers this busy winter.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Yes, I'm still around, and my own SSM recovery continues along in its jerky two-steps forward, one-step back manner. Life changes are HARD to make, and even HARDER to sustain, aren't they? I lurk here more than I post now, but you are all still in my prayers this busy winter.
Take care,
Bagheera
So good to see you posting this am. Take care, Ali
It's sooooo good to see you. I often think about you and Silly Old Bear, who I haven't seen since last summer. I hope he's OK. I miss you all so much, tho I've nothing to report because my H left me last spring and I have not been with him since. I'm getting along, but I miss him so.
I often think about that --now--infamous post you wrote to me, Bagheera. I often wonder about just giving it to him. Though I know he would never understand.
Thank you so much for coming back. I rarely post anymore, and no one really ever posts to me. I'm not whining, just observing.
Man you are so missed around here Bagheera. Somehow I knew you are doing great though. Do me a favor and post once in a while. That way I'll have proof that I talk to men on here too. LOL
