Please help!! My husband dropped the bomb in March of this year, about being unhappy and not sure whether he wanted to stay married, said let's give it six months, but would not or could not say why. At first he had interest in counseling, then changed his mind before anything was even scheduled. At first he moved out of our bedroom, then moved back in bedroom and things were looking good for us, then maybe a week or two later moved out again with no explanation and for no apparent reason. There were signs he was cheating, but no real proof because he does not use cell phone and uses web browser that has "private browsing" so his online activities leave no trace.
Been married twelve years, with eleven year old son. Since March, I have not been talking about the R, have been as sweet, pleasant and agreeable as possible, taking the initiative sexually, not complaining about anything, ... and recently I discovered his secret cell phone. All calls were to/from the same number, multiple times per day. I confronted him about it the same day but issued no ultimatum. He clearly felt guilty and was ready to move out but I assured him that was not necessary, it would be better for our son if he stayed. That was about four weeks ago. He said it was someone he met on relationship forum. Would not divulge anything else, other than he's known her a "few months" (pretty vague number), she is married too, sees her a couple times a month, and when I expressed anger about STDs since we are still periodically sexually active, he said no, they are "just friends." Well excuse me, any relationship you need to keep hidden from me does not exactly constitute a "just friends" relationship, regardless of whether or not it involves any physical contact.
It could be MLC, he is in his forties and not as successful as he hoped and he has developed ailments like back issues. I think reason he originally said let's see in six months was because I was scheduled to finish my graduate degree in September, but I will now graduate in December (hopefully) because have reduced my course load because classes are very difficult and I am too distracted with depressing marital situation to really focus on my studies.
He has been back in our bedroom for about ten days now. Do not know why, maybe he was thinking about giving us another chance. I was feeling a little more hopeful, then could feel him pulling away again. My intuition is often right. Today he was supposedly going to work. He has the perfect job for someone engaging in an affair. He works long hours, he is the only one at his work that does his job so when he needs to go to office on weekends and work late, no one else is there, and he does not get overtime so no way to verify he is truly at work. Unless I check up on him.
Today I was suspicious, he had not been working late or on weekends for at least one week, but today he was going to work in morning. So I drove to his work and did not see his car in parking lot. This was about 90 minutes after he left and his office is only a 15 minute drive from our home. I called his work on my cell phone, left message on his voice mail. Was that a mistake? He called back about three hours later, said he went out to eat breakfast, then stopped at this toy show he had told me he would go to on his way home from work. A toy show in the same city he works would not be a long drive, and would not take three hours to see! I am positive he had a meeting with his EA/PA.
I thought DB/DR advises not to bring up R, not to issue ultimatums, and I have been following the program and not doing those things, but what is the point? If I don't bring up the relationship, who will? If I don't ask him to stop his EA, and he knows I know about it, doesn't this amount to condoning the EA? Why should he stop? He can have his cake and eat it too. On the other hand, if I issue ultimatum, it is likely he would say okay, let's get divorced.
I have read the Divorce Remedy and I do not recall any guidance as to how to handle my situation. What do you do when one spouse absolutely refuses counseling, does not offer to end EA, does not initiate talks about R, but does not move out either and even moves back in the bedroom. He sounds conflicted, doesn't he? What, if anything, can I do to help him through this confusion? He needs counseling, needs to talk with objective professional about his life, not with EA who will only serve to perpetuate his confusion and provide a "misery loves company" type of addiction.
Sorry this is so long. I am seeing a counselor but she is on leave of absence until ? I would welcome all opinions. Pretending everything is okay with him when I am crumbling inside is really becoming unbearable...
