WAW has been home for 19 weeks now

[GH31]

Hey Saffie,

Thanks for dropping by again. Let's journal a little...

I have had an interesting week with W. My gut feeling tells me that OM has already been in town and that W spun me a yarn about when he was coming. I will verify this independently.

There are just a few things that don't add up. W has been avoiding me all week and when she came home on Thursday at 11pm she seemed as high as a kite, just acting weird. On Friday she told me she was taking her mother to the movies but I have since determined that she stayed at a hotel in the city. She never would have told me unless I had confronted her directly; and the only reason she did is because she found I rang her sister, where she was supposed to be staying.

Then last night as she was getting into bed I looked at her legs, knowing what I would find. She had shaven her upper legs and in nine years I have never known her to do this. But for some reason I knew what I would find. Just too many things which don't add up and my gut feeling is hardly ever wrong.

When W and I were chatting last night and this morning we got onto the R subject and she said that she would be "very sad" if we got divorced and that she would "miss me and our connection/conversations terribly" and take "a year or two to get over it". She is so mixed up - says things like "we're not officially back together" and when I ask if she has any problem if I date other girls she says "no, that wouldn't be right because we have a sexual relationship". I found she even keeps a record in her diary of when she has her period and when we are physically intimate.

I feel she is living in a bubble and I somehow need to make her feel safe in coming out of it. I think doing so scares her because she will need to face the enormity of what she's done. We're both so wrapped up in each other and have been all of our adult lives.

But, these lies of omission, hiding, fence-sitting, cake-eating, avoidance etc are very hard to live with and no one in their right mind should. I think the idea of being without each other scares the heck out of us both but moving out will probably be necessary.

I told her I know exactly what she's doing - keeping me on the end of a string and yanking me whenever she needs something, and doing what she can so that I don't move on but no more. She said "you should mourn me for a while and not move on straight away" and I said "other than your ego being damaged, why would you even care? You're sat on the fence my darling, because doing so is less painful than jumping off".

W did say this morning that she "hasn't considered my feelings in all of this as much as she should have done", the first time I've heard her say this since the situation started. Will write more...