thanks for posting to me today basso continuo could be exciting in a groove sort of way!
this is quite a discussion on your thread!! I know you will make the right decision. something did come to mind. Have you read "love must be tough" by dr james dobson? He talks about writing a "dobson letter" which basically says to the WA, look, you are free to go. I wonder if that is what jody is getting at? I also wonder if she might be recommending this as a long-term move... that might not seem to "work" shorthand but gets some sort of process started inside the WA's mind. PURE CONJECTURE here. but I think the most important thing is that you really mean what you're saying and you're ready to say it.
Yes, Ali, it seems we are in the same type of boat - I'll take a pirate ship - please! During my coaching sessions & reading the boards, she does give the same type of advise. I've seen where ITH had gotten the same phrases or advise as me at times.
The advise that Jody gave me I was ready for & wanted to do. She warned me. I was just tired of the limbo & ready to move on in whatever direction it took me.
In the R talks that followed my H admitted he has been trying to forget our M & problems for the last year. When I told him I wanted to still try - he said he didn't think I would still want him. And also asked if maybe we could work on our R after D. Interesting. But, really in analyzing his life - he always runs away from problems & avoids them (he learned well from his mother).
You just have to be ready for whatever the consiquences. Have your read the detaching poem?
Sorry, Julia - didn't mean to hyjac your thread.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Wow, all your input is so insightful, thank you all.
Ms M, it was really helpful to hear of your experience thank you so much for posting. I do feel very detached now and have no expectations of anything from sending this email. I just know that I have to do it to be true to what I want so I have decided to send it this week. Ms M you are right, I am tired of pretending nothing is happening and I am now ready to move into whatever direction life takes me.
T, I have read the Dobson book. In fact I had just started reading it before I found out about all this as I think I was getting pretty near the end of my tether with him. I do agree that this is a longer term thing rather than shorter term. I do hope it will spark something in h's mind, a seed of doubt is all I want. I certainly don't think it will enforce his sterotype of me as it is definitely doing something different so that is a good thing.
Ali, thank you for being a good friend. You have really made me think and that is a good thing. I have to disagree that in both cases it hasn't worked. I think that it didn't scare off the WAS and that is something the rest may come later, or it may not. Time will tell...
Life in general... I am struggling a bit with loneliness. I am fine when I am with people and am busy most of the time. In fact I saw my Mum today and she told me off for never being in and said she was worried about me and worried for the cat being alone a lot (her way of saying she was worried about me, the cat is fine btw ). Coming back from holiday was a bit of a turning point for me and coming back to this house is not doing me any good. For me now, I shall have to look into alternatives... or just get over it, one of the two
Hey Julia, Thats a good point! It aint over till the fat lady sings, etc.
I am sorry you are lonely, I feel that too.. lonely when around people even, for me its a kind of emptiness inside, but I thikn it is now getting slowly better. I feel like I am gently waking from hibernation, but havent got as far as awake yet!
Good luck with the email.. when do you intend to send it? This is an intense week, of endings and new beginnings. Theres a major Venus conjucnt Pluto in the very last degree of Sagittarius - its a real last chance moment, before its too late, kinda thing (Wednesday) followed by early hours of Thursday morning, a full moon in Taurus. Monday is pretty interesting too, theres a Moon in Pisces conjucnt Uranus, so good for getting messages to finally reach a loved one. So... pick a day! Any day before Friday would be my advice
I am going to try send an email too...
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Let us know when you send the letter and what the final version looks like! I know it will all be OK. His response cannot be any worse than what you have already been through, and you know that you are being strong, confident, and true to yourself. I would really be interested in seeing how he responds to you.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Well, I just hit the send button. I thought long and hard over it, reassessed everything, examined the FB posts to check I wasn't going mad, thought over the wording, thought over what I wanted to convey/ say and it felt right. So, I typed it up, said a little prayer and hit the send button! Now it's gone, it's done and I feel relieved and a little bit eek!
Here is the final version - no real change from the previous.
Hi H,
I met with (my chairman) and your email really helped me and I got a lot of strength from your advice, thank you.
I got your recent email and I understand that you have moved into the flat and you are not there by yourself. That explains a lot about what has been going on between you and I since you moved out, and while I recognise that it is not the reason we are not together I can see that your efforts have been directed in another place.
However, I do realise it has been a year since you left so it is not surprising that you are moving forward with your life and it gives me a lot to think about. If I am honest with myself I am beginning to really enjoy the male attention that has been coming my way lately so I understand the attraction of a new relationship.
All that being said I understand there is a lot of stuff we need to do with the house. With regards to your offer of seeing estate agents, I am more than happy for you to go ahead and do that.
I am hoping that this clears the air between the two of us so that we can be more straightforward and comfortable with each other and that this doesn't mean that we can't see each other on occasion in a friendly context.
Wow Julia - Straight forward and to the point. GREAT!! I think this will be a great relief to have off your shoulders. It is horrible knowing that he is living with this 'temporary replacement' but it should be a relief to know the truth and not just keep wondering and assuming.
You are very courageous and strong to send this. No matter what the outcome you are going to be fine and be able to get on with your life whether it will be a step towards reconciliation or a leap towards a new life all together.
I am sending you positive thoughts and ((((hugs))))!!! Good Luck!!
I think you're amazing. That must have taken such courage to send. Now of course the ball is totally in his court, but it must feel like a burden lifted to know that you have done the right thing for yourself. You've acted with such integrity.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
You are an amazingly strong and courageous woman. IMO that letter clears the air for open communication. Hopefully he will take it that way. If not, that is his immaturity showing.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
basso continuo could be exciting in a groove sort of way!
