So one year ago today I got the phone call from 'someone' at H's office, that he was in St. Louis with HER, not just for business.
One year ago today, right about now, I was calling my sister in Iowa to see if she could take my kids so I could drive to St. Louis, I HAD to know for my own sanity after 5 months of wondering...
One year ago today, I was driving 2 1/2 hours from Kansas City to the central Iowa border, to meet my sister at the state line to take my kids from me, never mind she was already taking care of 3 of her own including a 6 month old...(what a great sister)
One year ago today I drove another 5 hours to St. Louis, stopping only once to get gas, then chickening out a little when I got to town and stopping at Starbucks.
My H actually called while I was in the Starbucks drive thru to tell me he was (they were) going to bed early....(It was 11:30)
Crappy anniversary, crappy anniversary...
Then I got to the hotel at almost 1 am (got a room so I wouldn't look suspicious), and paced around a lap from my room on second floor to his room on first floor, listening at the door every 15 minutes to hear something, until 7 am the next day.
So tomorrow morning is the anniversary of when H actually opened the door to his room so I could walk in and see her under the covers in his bed, with a brand new black light set in the corner, guess they were lucky it was halloween and they were on sale...I was sickened to think they actually brought 'toys' along...
I remember the first thing I thought of when S6 and I went to Disney 5 days later, we got on the Buzz Lightyear ride and it was mostly designed with black lights and bright colors, and all I could think of was H with her...
OK glad I am not thinking about it....
Sorry it was rolling in my brain and I had to let it out somewhere, better here than at my kids or my H....
I just want to grab him by the chest and beat on him and say
What the HELL happened? You loved me and I loved you, we built a life together, had children together, and you changed your mind?
And yet at the same time I want to hold him tight and never let him go and tell him we CAN get through this and be close again, I know we can if we try
But I won't do either, I am not 'free' to do either, I think that is what Ali means about not being able to be fully open/honest when you DB....
Wow BBj I thought I was with you from the get go but I must have missed this part...must have been in my own twilight zone.
I really hope things work out for you and all of us....I have to admit when I read some of the stuff that we have been through (as much as I would like to stay positive) we have quite the uphill battle.
It is not so bad right now. It is like a wave I suppose, two hours ago I was feeling horrible, now I just feel, ok...
H is out farming today, he ran by at lunchtime to get his chainsaw and see the kids. Asked S6 if he wanted to come out later and get on the tractor. That hurt my feelings a little b/c this morning, H asked me what I had in mind for my day, plans-wise.
I had said, "Hmm....sit on your lap and kiss you? Okay, maybe not, I would like to ride on the combine with you though..."
H replied that he wouldn't be using the combine today. Then he comes home a few hours later and invites S to ride tractor with him... Granted the tractor is smaller than the combine, but still...
I took Nathan out around 3:30, H came out to meet us. He laughed and said, "Do you have perfume on?" I said, "Yes, of course, I was coming to see you!" in a teasing voice. He acted like it was strange for me to be wearing perfume for some reason, I realize I was out on the farm but a girl can wear perfume any time...
So now I am home cleaning and prepping dinner (tuna and noodles) so I can have it in the oven while we go to karate. I am supposed to pick up S at 5:30 at the farm, that gives me time to get him home for a snack before karate at 6:15.
Reading your account of catching H with OW brought back vivid memories for me of catching W leaving the hotel with OM (Sept 9th 2005). As much as I try to put it behind me the images occasionally jump out in my mind and catch me unawares, then get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and all sorts of things race through my mind. Then soon enough it goes.
Time is a great healer, but not great enough at the moment. I hope for you something will turn your sitch around so you can start the healing process cos the healing takes a long, long time. (but worth in the end I hope).
Sometimes I wish I would have beat the hell out of her, but that would only have landed me in jail away from my kids and made the situation much, much worse than it was.
I reminded myself yesterday afternoon that, one year later, H was still with me (even if we are in a delicate place right now), not with OW. He lives in our house with me and the kids, which I didn't think would ever happen after last November.
H came home last night and played around with the kids, ate supper with us, seemed to be in pretty good spirits. Except he had a really bad headache, he was popping motrin at the dinner table....Once the kids went to bed he said he needed to stretch out on the big couch (downstairs, it is the best couch ever!) to get rid of his headache. He took an ice pack with him for his neck.
I decided to give him his space, b/c on Friday I had a migraine so bad I threw up a few times...so I can't fault a guy for a headache. But of course he fell asleep down there and didn't come to bed, again...
I said something in passing when he came in to get dressed this morning, about his not coming to bed since he got back from his trip. He said no big deal, I just fell asleep on the couch. He gave me a hug goodbye and went to work. I still think it is strange that he hasn't come to bed since he got back from his trip. Makes me wonder again about OW but also I am sure that is b/c of the date on the calendar compared to last year...
Granted the tractor is smaller than the combine, but still...
