The results are in...Dust myself off & start again

[Treese]

Hi Everyone & thank you all for the support...I truly need it..

I really have been crying off and on since yesterday...can't help it...just thinking about what this is going to do my my own sitch.....back child support could be huge....and affect the rest of my life....he still thinks the judge will have to let him survive and get a place of his own and live happily ever after with all his kids and his girlfriend...huhhhh....

Truth all.....I'm so scared....afraid of what is going to happen to my children and myself...my D16 asked yesterday if we were going to have to move...I hope not....this is our home and its perfect for us....even though things here still remind us of H...we can't go anywhere else for the money....

things around here will change....and WTF? H will still have his life that he says he's happy in...cause he will not be affected...he'll still get to see his kids....have a roof over his head and see his girlfriend....it's getting old real fast...

when H came to get son yesterday he came in and acted like it was another day...I was a mess...he knew it...I couldn't hide it...I know it was bad but geezzz....I knew it was probably his but it the paper....the truth....D16 says she wants to meet him...I can't do it right now....told her her dad could take her...she says, "mom, he is a pity child,it's not his fault, he has no father", again she is right....I think God is speaking to me through her...really....she comes up with some things that even I need to listen to....

I had to take her to the ER this morning because she was still hurting and her jaw was bothering her...I just wanted to have them look her over and make sure everything was ok....and it was...she will be super sore for the next week but will recover....

Today, I just keep going over things in my head of the past we had...the fun...the memories and 9 years of lies....wow.....

But....stupid me still loves the jerk....he has my heart and always will.....I hope some day I can love again...and have someone love me....its what I pray for...I deserve to give it and receive it....I gave it all 125%.....I stood, I prayed, I did it all.....but yes sometimes there are unanswered prayers...maybe my H and I have to divorce in order to start again...and maybe not...he knows I love him....he knows I will forever....that's not a question he would even ask...he just tells me to get past it...he's not coming home...

When I told him a few weeks ago that he promised to grow old with me...he said, "I am old"...kind of sounds like MLC, don't ya think....

Christmas is going to be rough but I will just hold on to my children and thank God for them....they are the innocence here..they don't deserve to have to go through all this....I will do my best to make it memorable....

So, thanks to all of you for getting me through this...I have a long road ahead of me....please pray for us....

(((hugs)))

Treese