Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Can someone become too detached?

Yesterday when I saw my W not only did I act like she didn't had no affect on me, I felt it as well.

I went to pick my son up and she met me at the door.

W: Hello.
Me: Hi, where's the baby?
W: He's having breakfast. (Points to dining room)

I went in and gave him a hug and a kiss and he was all giggles and tried sharing his turkey bacon with me.

W: Would you like a cup of coffee or tea or water?
Me: No thanks, I'm good.

She goes on to tell me some things about the baby and what he's done this week since I haven't seen him.

W: I called last night, didn't you get my message? (This was in reference to the email she sent the other day about possibly changing my visit to Sunday)
Me: No, I didn't get home until really late so I didn't bother checking the voice mail.
W: Oh, did you work late?
Me: Not really. (Actually I got home around 11:30, but I did work until 10:00 and had to stop by the grocery for a few things and the drive home is usually 30 minutes if there's no traffic.)
W: I got a new cell phone.
Me: Congrats, I'm sure it will come in handy.
W: Do you want the number?
Me: No, I have your parents' number if I need to get in touch with you.
W:What if there's an emergency?
Me: You're not my emergency contact anymore.
W: Oh.
W: Well maybe you should take the number anyway.
Me: I don't need the number, but thanks.
W: Did you go to your counseling session yesterday?
Me: No, it's not on Fridays, it's Thursdays, but yes, I did go.
W: Okay.
W: Anything new going on in your life?
Me: Lots of stuff.
W: Want to share any of it.
Me: Not really much to share.
W: Oh, okay. (She says that a lot.)

I started getting my son dressed and ready to go.

W: I'm moving furniture today so I won't be able to go with you guys this morning.
Me: That's fine, this is about me having time with him anyway.
W: Well I told you earlier in the week that I would let you know which day would be best for me.
Me: You told me that on Thursday and then apparently didn't call until late Friday night, I'm not going to just sit around and wait for you to see what's convenient for you. Besides, you don't need to go hang out with us. This is our time. (pointing at baby then myself)
W: Oh, okay.

I finished dressing baby then step outside to have a smoke before we go because I know I won't have time for one while he and I are out and about. (No smoking around the baby!!! A rule we made together and she has started breaking and it pisses me off!)

She follows me outside while baby is watching Pokoyo on television.

She starts making small talk about the neighbors' cats. I just look at her without saying anything. She gets a text message and walks away to reply. Somehow I just didn't care.

W: I was messaging my sister.
Me: Okay. Not sure why you felt the need to tell me, but okay.

I finish my smoke and gather up the baby and his things. We are off to have a good day playing at an indoor playground thanks to the rain.

Baby and I spent about three hours and 20 minutes at the indoor playground (I have to get into better shape, that kid wore me down) and then had lunch. No sooner had I pulled out of the lot from where we had lunch, he was out cold. lol

It was so cute the way he looked. He had his little ball cap pulled down over his eyes and he was leaning back like a little old man. I just drove around for the next little while letting him sleep.

TM from W: Where are you guys? How's it going? How's baby? Are you coming back soon?

TM reply from me: It's going fine, baby is fine, we'll be there around 4:30 or 5:00.

I didn't tell her where we were because frankly I wasn't sure, but I didn't want to tell her that either. I knew how to get back from to her parents' house from there, but I wasn't sure where "there" was.

Baby slept for over an hour riding in the car. He woke up smiling, which is always a good sign. I asked him if he it was a good nap and he said something in baby gibberish that I didn't quite understand. He tries, and he can be emphatic at times when he's "speaking". I miss him more than anything. That's the part that really breaks my heart.

At any rate, I took him back to W's parents' house and she was there to meet us in the driveway. I took baby out of the car and got his other stuff she had sent along (my diaper bag wasn't properly stocked apparently) and started taking him upstairs, walking right past her.

W: I guess you don't need any help.
Me: No thanks, I've got it.

We get upstairs (her parent's house is weird, their front door is upstairs on the side of the house. There is no entrance from the ground.) and I put the baby down and his stuff. I take his coat off and give him a big hug and a kiss. I asked him if he had a good time today and he smiled really big.

I took that as a good thing.

Me: I need a smoke, I haven't had one since before he and I left this morning.
W: Okay, I'll join you. (Son was inside playing with grandpa.)
W: Wow, you've lost even more weight since last week. You look really good.
Me: Thanks.

I smoke my cigarette and get ready to leave.(I don't smoke in my car either, cuts down on the resell value. I also don't smoke in my house, even though the owner smokes and said it wouldn't be a problem for him. I don't even know why I bother to smoke.)

Me: So next week instead of here I need to pick him up at your apartment?
W: Yeah, I should have all my stuff in by then.
Me: Okay.
W: That will make it much easier too, because then you can plan overnight trips and stay the weekend with us.
Me: I think I should stick to the hotel idea for now. (I told her a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to start spending more time with him and possibly driving up on Friday evening and getting a hotel for Friday and Saturday night and having him spend the night with me. Not the best situation, but he and I need that extra time together I think and she needs to see what I go through by not seeing him for a couple of days.)

W: Well the access code is (and she rattles off some numbers).
Me: I'll just ring the buzzer and you can let me in, I don't need the access code.
W: Oh, okay.
Me: Okay little buddy, it's time for dad to get movin'.

He runs over to me and gives me a big hug. I kissed him on the forehead and hugged him back. I could feel the hurt and anger moving inside me. I hate having to leave him.

W: Call me or email me when you get home.

I say nothing.

W: Have a safe drive.
M: Thanks, I will.

And I left.

I wasn't as cold or angry as this sounds. I was matter of fact on a few things and let her know my frustration about how she expects me to wait for her to decide when I get to spend time with my son, but all in all, I was aloof.

I didn't asked her about how the job search was going, I didn't ask her about how she was doing. I didn't ask her anything at all about her life. For once, I didn't care.

I found myself thinking on the way home about what I really felt for her. I thought I loved her, but I'm not sure now. I feel somewhat indifferent toward her. Is this a defense mechanism? I honestly didn't care to see her at all yesterday and when we were around each other I found myself thinking of other things that didn't have anything to do with "us".

Maybe the initial shock has worn off and I'm ready to move on with my life. I don't mean find someone else and start the whole process again, but move on in general.

I looked at her and I didn't see that beautiful woman that I fell in love with back then. In fact, I didn't see a beautiful woman at all. I felt no attraction to her.

I think it's funny that she has gained weight. She's only 5 feet tall, and normally weighs about 105, she's now at 120. 15 lbs on a frame that small makes a huge difference.

I do believe she may be in a MLC of sorts. She was talking to her 17 year old niece yesterday about borrowing some of her clothes. The niece is exactly half my W's age at this point. And she wants to wear her clothes. Classic.

I can't help her. Nor do I want to now. I don't hate her, I don't even dislike her. Isn't it sad that I don't even have enough passion for this woman to hate her?

I truly feel indifferent toward her. And that bothers me somewhat.

And my little buddy said two new words yesterday. Box, and phone. First time he had said either. And I got to witness it! That was exciting to me and made the whole seven hour round trip drive worth it.