I have come to a point within myself that I know what direction I want my life to go in. But more than that I know what I don't want and I don't know how to reconcile the two.
My H's family has been center in our lives for this whole R. Mine (other than my Mother and sister) have not. I have no problem with that really cuz my family hasn't been too close since my GF died. They are all such gossip mongers. But I have realized that I really do not want to deal with H's family anymore.
Most of them are alcoholics. It is difficult for me because I grew up with that and can not stand being around people when they are drunk. It has been a real problem for us within our R. I like each one of the individually but as a group, it is very difficult for me and I want to cling to H while he wants to socalize with his family. Maybe I should add that when he is with them he drinks a lot but doesn't drink much when they are not around. They only call (the ones that live close) when they want something from us and that bothers me. They spew how much they love us but don't act like it. This is a group of people who are nice to each other's faces and then backstab each other to everyone else in the family. It is not really a family, it is a group of people who spend their time together because of blood. Not because they want to. It is always chaos, criticism and in the end not a lot of fun to be around them. Over the last year, with MIL not speaking to anyone, it has been very calm on that front in my home and I do not want any of the crap to come back. I can't say there have been no incidents or contact with them, but it has been with one or two that we can handle. Additionally, I know a lot of the family "secrets" that I don't believe H knows as his M never told him and didn't want him to know. And depending on who in the family you speak to, some of them happened and some didnt'. But it has helped to form my views of a few of them and they are not good and will never be able to be changed. A couple of these I have never and probably will never tell H because I don't want his views of people that he is sort of close with to be changed and this info would definately do that. It has no bearing on him so....
There are two of us who married into/joined this family when we were teenagers and we both have looked at the newer wives and just felt really sorry for them in many ways. The men they have gotten are good men, but they really don't know what they are getting themselves into. One has such a screwed up family that this one seems normal to her and the other is still to knew to know.
So I really don't know how to approach any of this. If H and I stay together, I know our R will be very different from what it was but I don't know how to go about dealing with these people. I know I don't really want to. I think that has been a major road block for me in the last few months. H is not speaking to his M right now (for over a year) and it doesn't appear like he intends to for a long time, which works for me. Yes we spoke once and she and i both apologized for what happened, but I don't intend to bring that R back to where it was because it isn't good for me. I was tolerant and opening to H's father (because he did seem to want to try to develop that R) until Oct 2006 when he got into bed with me. Yea that is a big problem. I have never let myself be alone in a room with the suspected rapist, even though he has never been anything but nice to me in 19 years. (yes a lot of the secrets got dumped on me by MIL almost as soon as H and I started dating). That is another reason I have always sort of 'clung" to H at family functions. He has always protected me with his presence even though he didnt' know it. I don't think I want to go back to any of that but I can't and won't ask H to stop having contact with his family. The thought of not ever having to deal with any of that again is very attractive to me but I don't want to have that keep me from being with H if that is possible. So what to do??????
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
