S, It's one day at a time for you now. You were quite busy today and hopefully it helped a bit.
I believe you've been shown by a higher power that it is not in the cards for you to speak to her. I would leave it a lone. The questions, the wanting to know why, are all part of your journey. We all have questioned ourselves, the spouses and yes, even the ops, but the answers will not come until much later. Me, personally, I wouldn't want to hear what she had to say because it's going to be tainted with stories that your h made up to justify why he was doing it. Your h most likely rewrote history to justify his behavior and, of course, she listened and validated his self doubts, loneliness, etc. Of course, you were painted in a dim light and this woman believed him when he told her his feelings.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about the past, but you can work on the present and look to the future. Allow him time to seek the support of the MC and have a safe place for him to land. He may very well tell you himself why the affair took place. If he does, listen closely and do not question and/or argue w/him. He will need to feel safe and comfortable w/you in order to tell you.
What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Are you going to invite him over for the family holiday? If you are, leave the invitation as an "open" one and allow him to decide for himself if he wants to be a part of the "family" holiday. During this time, please keep your expectations at zero and remember, he's viewing his life differently from what you are. No amount of talking will bring him home and back into your arms right now. He's on a journey of self discovery and will need to come to realize on his own that he had it all...right there w/you.
S, I do hope that you'll find some peace as you make this journey. It hurts like heck, but you will survive and you will be stronger and wiser for this experience (it's not one that any of us would wish on someone else). BTW "After the Affair" is an excellent book.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
