I agree, your heart and mind are telling you that you aren't ready to date. Tuck this guy away or just do things as a big group with him involved. He wants more (why wouldn't he? You rock!), why hurt him and make yourself uncomfortable?
Guys and girls as friends? I sure hope so. I work with 95% males, married, divorced, single, all kinds. Some of us go to lunch (as groups with other females) on a weekly basis.
The problem is, for me, I am completely still entangled with my xh. I still love him, think about him, am so very sad about the divorce, etc. Even though, daily, I feel pretty good, there is soooo much about me that isn't ready to move on and date. It wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else.
Thank you all for your opinions and advice.I agree I am no where ready for any kind of R. Was just hoping to meet some males that I could be "buddies" with in order to feel more comfortable around the opposite sex. I like the idea of volunteering. I will look into that.
Ok, I want to share some things that I have learned from this journey about A's. First, even when you think you have detached something comes along and smacks you to show you exactly how you are not detached yet. I have been keeping contact to a minimum for my sake and it really has helped. I have been GAL to the hundreth degree and am a social butterfly at this point. Most days there is a smile on my face and I am trying to let go of the bitterness....I know this is the hardest part. I am telling you this because I truly thought I had dropped the rope and shut the door. My STBX SIL called me and said she met OW last night. STBXH took her to meet the family. She said that OW was not very attractive and over weight (already knew this) and did not have much of a personality. She said when they left she looked at her H and they both agreed that my STBXH and OW just did not fit together. Her telling me this hurt so much because it reminds me that he is moving forward with his R with OW. I guess I could look at it like now they are in the real world and their warts will start to show soon, but it is so hard to do that.
The second thing I have learned from reading over and over and over again is that the A will not last. I say it with conviction because the few that do are so rare and far between. He is only 5 months out from D-day and they are just now starting to play house. He picked her when he was in a depressed state (which is typical for when men have their A) and was not using good judgment with: the fact he thought an A was ok, and with the partner he chose. So I say the A will not last because I do believe that to be true.
Third, when the WAS is in an A relationship, there is no way to "win" them back. Their attention is on the OP and any attempts to engage with them will only: be seen as desperate or boost their egos so they dont feel bad about what they are doing. The best course of action with a WAS who is not willing to give up the OP is to go NC.
Fourth, NC has allowed me to seperate myself from most of the pain that his A would cause me if I was around. It has shown me how to keep moving on with my life, how to pick myself up from the boot straps. If I was constantly engaging with him, I would constantly be looking for signs that he wanted to come back home. That only keeps me stuck and emotionally unhealthy. Going NC does not, however, wake them up or make them miss us. They already have their attention some place else. Of course they are not going to miss us because their AP is filling them at at that moment. The NC is for ME.
Now here is the kicker. I truly believe once the A is over, then NC has the effect of making them miss us. When they truly are alone, they start to remember all of the good times they had with us and crave to have it back. NC is to the LBS a way of out of sight out of mind, but to the WAS no longer in the A, distance makes the heart grow fonder.
From so much of what I have read, the majority of the time (not always, but mostly) the WAS will try and reconnect with the LBS after the A. Many times the LBS does not see it for what it is or they are just no longer willing to be with them anymore. It seems, when it is all said and done that the LBS truly is the one who gets to make all of the important decisions.
So, these are my thoughts about this journey. I am taking things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I try not to have fear in my heart because I know that no matter what I will be ok. Still, today is a reminder of how far I still need to go. Trying to let the hurt go now.........
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Reading this post brought back many of the memories I had during my period of grief, separation, and just hurtful feelings - but they were all without emotion now, only remembrance. (The pain is still there for me, but diminished). HB, this will all come to pass, you WILL feel different, as I have. You WILL be OK, as I am now. All of us LBS's are on this journey of recovery to the utmost degree. Divorce hurts no matter how amicable - a R is over. But you WILL move on, little by little, and I think you are doing an awesome job. I can sense a lot of PMA in your writing, but I also sense the pain. You are realizing that this R is no more, it has changed, and you're the one that will "make out" in the end. We have to feel sorry for our WAS's making the mistakes they are making, and later they will see what damage they have done - or just live in denial. But it was they that didn't want the R no more.
I am reminded of all the DBing we are taught to do, but it is mainly for us the LBS's, and that right there is a comforting thought. I was hurt and thought I could no longer go on, not find anyone, felt unworthy, but here I am ready to take on 5 dates a week if I had the time to do it!
Funny thing about A's - they are an escape and a cop-out I think! It also shows a lack of real commitment to the M on the part of the WAS and is used to avoid resolving the issues of the R. I'm not going to get too deep into A's, but they hurt others.
You're doing good BH.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I think a lot of the same stuff you do, BH. Once they are full in the fog of A, there isn't much you can do. I also think eventually all of the WAS will realize how crazy they've been, destructive, etc., but maybe a few are too embarrassed to admit it was a big mistake. It's all very sad. But I am glad you sound like you are having a great attitude and good PMA. That is a little bit of my "revenge" against H that I enjoy keeping my PMA and good attitude. I know he's expressed a few times almost like he's upset that I wasn't in mourning and broken up over him! Like I'd give him the satisfaction!!! Karen
After I'd been talking about spouse, the relationship, what I didn't understand and on and on.. my brother would say... You've beaten that horse to death. Needless to say, I'd glare at him saying he didn't understand.
I'd talk about what I thought was meaningful and important.. up would come up but the frickin' dead horse comment. "Hey, bro, it's MY dead horse and I'll beat if it if I want to!"
I always figured it was a polite way of saying.. Shut up and move on. I'd try but it hurt so much I had to figure it out. If I figured it out, then I'd understand how this happened.
Folks would stay.. "Don't touch the hot stove." What hot stove.. where is it.. I don't get it.. as I was writhing in pain. My brother would say.. "You seem to keep looking for spouse to validate you, say he was sorry.. give you something. He won't." My eyes would roll (again) wondering what the heck he was talking about and of course I wasn't trying to do that!
Guess what.. I was guilty on all counts, repeatedly. Guess what else... it's all part of the journey... we each heal at our own rate. Guess what else else... I am so thankful for having my brother, my friends and support groups in every aspect of my life.
You keep strutting, lady... I've got my pompoms and I'm cheering you on.
Guess what.. I was guilty on all counts, repeatedly
Yep. Me too. But (old cliche about to hit you), we learn the most from our mistakes, don't we? I know I do!
And yes, you are soooo right about feeling pretty darn detached, then boom. Something hits you. I used to worry about this, finding something out about xH's life and backtracking. But now, the 'bombs' are smaller (what could be bigger than "I am having an affair and want a divorce"? Seriously! lol) and I am back on my feet SO much sooner.
Plus, the bombs are a tool to help us detach even more.
Gyps, I am trying so hard to stop beating that horse. Like you, I understand it is part of the process. I honor that and try not to get stuck in that mode.
And thank you everyone else for such positive post. I did not feel very confident when I posted it, so it makes me feel good to hear everyones support.
It was STBXH weekend. As soon as he got to the house I walked out w/o saying anything to him, but still had a smile on my face. He was visibly upset. DOnt know why. When I got back on Sunday, I walked in with my head high and said "Hope you had a good weekend, drive safe" and then took my dog out back to do his business. Once again, STBXH was very upset with my lack of attention. I felt like - you chose who you want to be with so you dont get both. I had I wonderful weekend w/o you, so why would I want to bring you into my life now? I see his tantrums as having nothing to do with me and find that the more distance from him I have, the more peaceful I feel. Maybe one day he will wake up, but I cant wait for that to happen. I have to continue to find me and my happiness. I feel that at this point I truly am!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
