Stepping a toe into the light

[transformer]

Julia,

Wow!! Your email is very strong, bold, and forthcoming. I am proud that you are ready to communicate all of these things. thank you for sharing what jody said about your sitch too. She definitely picks up on things that I wouldn't !!!

I honestly don't think it matters how you sign it at the end. this email is such a 180 from any communication you've had with H recently that I don't think he will notice how you sign it at the end.

I really liked how you slipped in the part about male attention.

i was thinking about your situation with H and the house. It reminded me a lot of the part in passionate marriage where he says, the more you think your spouse has issues, the LESS you need to talk about the issues with the spouse. As long as you are telling H bad news about the house, he will not have to deal with his issues with that, because he can just deal with you instead. Honestly if he has any brain cells left, if you step back and let him figure it out, it should take him about 5 minutes to realize that the house isn't going to sell any time soon. Don't be the bearer of bad news. I think it would be mothering too which is something you're trying to get away from right?

I am proud of your strength. Keep us posted!!!!

LOVE
T

[maninmotion]

Hey Julia.
I think you rocked that e-mail. Sign off just Julia and send it. Then, find a flat in downtown and make sure it has a comfortable couch so when I come visit I have a place to flop ;P

Dan

[AliSuddenly]

I disagree...that email was the exact same one (not as much detail, not quite as full on) as she told me to send. I did follow her advice and it 'worked' in that he wrote back and apologised.. but do you know what? I regret it. It didnt change anything, he isnt back/wasnt likely to come back and also, I never got to say anything at all to him from my heart, and that was 10 years of my life down the drain.

I think Jody does give amazing advice and she is right.. but its just TOO much (and its also too late already Julia). She is American though and I feel us British arent quite so in-your-face honest/straighforward as Americans. I know she has helped and you do need to send him something like it, but IMO, it needs toning down (especially the bit about hte men)..what on earth is he going to think??

I made mine as brief as I could and was in line with her advice, but I didnt pretend or embellish. I wondered, just how honest is your email to him there?

For example.. "If I am honest with myself I am beginning to really enjoy the male attention that has been coming my way lately so I understand the attraction of a new relationship." REALLY???? Is that why you paid her alot of money for her advice?? If this isnt true, I would leave it out.

I didnt 'react' at all, which is wierd, odd. I find out he is dating someone and had lied to me all year and I send him an email saying "I'm not surprised and we have been apart some time afterall" - thats insane! I do regret it Julia. As long as you dont react or freak out or get emotional, fair enough, I agree that wouldnt be helpful. BUT.. she's right, he has gone, he is living with a new gf and this is your chance to say something.

Is this really what you want to say? DO you really think it will work and he will have 2nd thoughts? He already told you he is planning to live there (with her) for 10 months at least, maybe longer.

Yes reduce the emotion/shame/guilt, email him in a way that makes it safe for him to contact you and let him know that you know, but if I were you.. I would not send this email in its present form. Be true to yourself.

Al x

[istherehope]

Good morning Julia,

Hope you're doing well. I sent you an email from my work account.

I agree with Ali that you should make sure the email comes from your heart. It's up to you to make the decision on what you're hoping to get out of this interaction. If you are willing to be in this for the very long haul, then this is probably a good first step, IMO.

Please let us know what you end up doing here!

ITH

[One Day]

Hi Julia,

Interesting conversation with Jody. I'd just sign the e-mail Love Julia, or just Julia and leave it at that. I think it reads well and gets across the points you want to make; it's not emotional, or guilt-inducing in any way and should give him something to think about. The other thing I'd day is that yes, if you feel you need to say something to him about moving in with someone else then you should say it. I do think, however, that doing that wouldn't get you anywhere apart from getitng your thoughts out of your head; it'll just make him back off further....

I think the important thing to remember about sending the e-mail is that it isn't going to precipitate a turnaround in the situation, but is just there to maintain an open line of communication between the two of you. As Jody said (and I agree), the OW doesn't seem like she's marriage material, or mother material either. He'll realise that soon enough and if you maintain contact with him it still keeps your options open.

I think you should continue to enjoy the male attention, by the way- enjoying male attention is fun!!

Oh, and you know that your H is in a crisis type period. It IS a long haul, but I don't think that means you need to make a decision about what to do right now. You can always keep going for now and decide on a different course of action later. One day at a time, as they say. Many many many of the success stories on the site (especially in a crisis) have come after the WAS moved in with another woman. if anything, them doing that an help move things along. so don't get discouraged. Keep going. All things are possible.

And have fun at the fireworks!

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Do you know what strikes me about that email? It doesnt sound real. It doesnt sound like you and it sounds... dictated. You need to rewrite it a little, in 'your' voice, not verbatim what Jody suggested? But yes, as Lisa says, make it non-emotional.

I'm not sure about this bit either.. "while I recognise that it is not the reason we are not together I can see that your efforts have been directed in another place." as that implies he WAS making effots... which, perhaps he never was really? Seems a bit of a contentious/unnecessary sentence to me?

Maybe he may want to meet up with you to discuss the house and maybe you would have a conversation about all that instead? Which would be better than doing it by email.

I also put in mine, that I hoped we could still talk to one another now (as opposed to hope we can still be friends, as Jody said - as I couldnt bring myself to say that, I didnt actually want to be his friend at that point, I was still in love with him, so I would have been lying. My ex responded well and said he wanted that too and he would call me .. but that last sentence of your email sounds really odd! It doesnt sound like YOU at all, and your H knows you way better than me! It sounds so formal and whats a "friendly context"??

I'm trying to be your friend here and I feel like I should say that it seems to me that you have lost sight of yourslef in all of this. Dont let him do that to you. Yes, follow her well paid valuable advice, but do it with you in their too???

Al x

[JCJ]

(((guys)))

I think to be honest this is much more me; the pre all this happening to me, me. I didn't used to ever put up with cr@p, that immediately changed when he left and I went into desperate/ pursuing mode. Now I just seem to be continually putting up with it. It isn't doing me any good.

My plan before talking to Jody was to not mention that I know about the ow and to carry on but the reason I was in turmoil about doing was this is because it wasn't being true to myself. Ignoring his behaviour and letting him not tell me things when I already know feels like it is 'condoning' his behaviour. It isn't working, he moved in with the ow and a relationship has developed. She is childish, I am more mature and I intend to act with the utmost dignity. Jody immediately said I should address the issue. The rest of the email were my feelings and wishes, she just helped me construct it in a good DBing way.

I cannot be emotional in this and have to show continuity with my previous emails to reinforce my changes - which are now real, for me not for him. If I continue to brush this under the carpet I feel that it will not improve the situation, he needs to feel some consequences to his actions and although I do not intend to be the one to impose these I do intend to set boundaries. That email he sent me was just cr@p. I am not going to be weak, I am not going to shout and beg him for an explanation and I am no longer going to pander to his guilt and gutlessness. I am 'done' in that department. I am perfectly willing to still be friendly as I have been.

I know he is in crisis but I am just not sure how long I can continue without being true to myself. So far with my Dbing I have remained true to myself but if I ignore this I won't be. I didn't even say any of this to Jody and she said I should let him know that I know. I trust her and to be honest I have nothing to lose at this point.

I really appreciate all your help and support with this. I am going to think about the wording over the next few days. It is so nice that you are all here watching my back for me I truly appreciate it.

It is a very bold move for me and it is going to take a lot of courage to send and even more courage to receive the reply.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia, I think you misunderstood me. Yes, be honest, be more upfront, be true to yourself, be more your old self, I agree. And yes, I think you should definetly tell him you know, as I sai and I wasnt suggesting you ignore it and I can see its what you want, but I still maintain the language of it sounds a bit odd. Thats all I meant.

I am glad you are 'done' pandering to his guilt, good for you. Are you done in any other ways, since you found out this news? I agree you have nothing to lose.. maybe thats more of a reason to just be honest, be yourself? This email sounds very DBesque to me, but I dont see where it will get you. I do regret taking that advice myself and I wish I could turn the clock back. All I can say to you is, think carefully about it first, listen to your heart and your intution and not your mind.

Its a shame he didnt speak to you face to face, but emailed. Whats wrong with these guys !??? So much cowardice! I hope you had a good night out?
Al x

[MsMelancoly]

Hi JCJ, My DBcoach was Jody as well. Many of the phrases she dictated to you she did to me. She warned me that, in my sitch (h left over 1 year ago as well) this could be the turning point. It was. It gave me a chance to really have an R talk with him. Although I had to force a car trade to do the R talk. Probably too much for him - since he has filed for D.

My ow statement to him was vague & he sent just as vague a response back.

My point is - is make sure if this is a bold move for you - that you are totally detached. I was and still am ready for the R to go either way. It went towards the D - yet I am at peace with it.

[AliSuddenly]

Interesting MsM! I got a vague response back too saying sotry "about it all" and one phonecall where nothing was mentioned! My ex has also been gone a year. I guess the theory is they finally have to face up to what they have done/are doing, as the cat is now out of the bag...

I agree with MsM, if you say things like.. I am enjoying male attention and the possibility of a new R.. if I were him, and I had just moved in with my gf and you sent me that email, my reaction would likely be, grear, good for you, what a relief, perhaps we should get started on that D...!

I dont know why I am so intrigued by this, but its interesting that 3 of us got the same advice/phrases from Jody and in 2 of those cases, it hasnt worked out...

Al x