My mind is still not clear. I'm trying to think this through. I notice that other people feel like they might lose control during the 'going dark' periods. Doing anything '180' is taking a leap of faith--very scarey.
Today's Thots:
1.) Feeling overwhelmed a.) New Roommate moved in today...I feel good about company but sort of mournful b.) Moving things out of spare room is a lot of work c.) Living at my parents for awhile--no food in frig d.) Friend dropped off a huge hutch for me to paint
2.) Thankful that my Mom loves me. a.) Sent her long-time cleaning woman over to help clean and prepare for roommate.
3.) Planning on going back to school 4.) Looking for a new church or support group or book club a.) People at church are wonderful, but not supportive...they look at at me as if I have a contagious disease
5.) Thinking back on when 'A' pursued a.) Early on, he showed me that he needs control--makes the plans b.) At stressful times, he needed to know that I could take charge
6.) I want to do what I love so that I can invite 'A' or show him how proud I am with myself 7.) I'd like to show him in my behavior that I have a full life, that I am strong, and that I don't need him to design my life. a.) Since he feels pressured very easily, I want to show him that I don't need him to manage and design my happiness. (this is a very big deal)
Progress:
1.) Constantly reminding myself that the time it is taking to reconcile with 'A' isn't as threatening as I 'feel' like it is. 2.) Willing to take positive risk with 'A' at some comfortable moment 3.) Have joined a gym--now I have to go 4.) Have actually done a little crafting today while moving it (kinda' excited about that) 5.) Moving my guitar today, I took it out of its case. a.) Would like to go back to my music classes
6.) Starting a Visualization Book!!! a.) Excited about it...putting photos and clippings to help me visualize and feel positive and hopeful about my goals
This emotional work is exhausting--a roller coaster ride. I look forward to getting closer to 'A'. I will be praying for all of our marriages.
