I have been posting mainly in the Newcomers forum and also have a thread in the Midlife Crisis forum. I decided to start a thread here since the name of the forum really speaks to me. Mostly, I plan to journal here but please feel free to comment if the fancy should strike you.
My H left me 3 months ago and most days I find myself saying, "Okay, now what?"
I had a visit with my IC today and while I usually leave those sessions feeling better, that is not the case today. Though I think feeling low has more to do with the approaching weekend than anything else. Weekends are so hard for me, as I am sure they are for most of the people on this website.
My C mentioned to me that I am experiencing a typical dichotomy that someone going through profound loss experiences: grief at the same time one gets stronger. The DR is really helping me get stronger and stronger. Not to mention all of the support I am getting on this site. My C asked me how I have been doing and I replied that everyone I know says I seem better and better but I still cry everyday and feel so desperately sad. That's when he said the bit about the dichotomy.
It is really difficult to remain hopeful when one is grieving a loss at the same time. I am trying hard to figure out how to do this.
I am working very hard at GAL and maintaining a PMA but each day finds me facing the same old struggle. I am in a constant battle against memories. I HATE forcing myself to stop remembering happy, wonderful times. I HATE that these wonderful memories are currently a cause of deep pain. I HATE avoiding pictures of us. I HATE crying and missing my H. I HATE that I have no idea whether or not he misses me. I HATE that from the outside it seems like leaving me was the easiest thing he has ever done. I HATE that the only solace I have right now comes from two little unsolicited emails from H that really don't say much at all. I HATE that he says that he does not want to reconcile with me in such a defensive tone as if my desire to reconcile is something he must guard against - as if it is an attack against him. I HATE that I do not get to know the future. I HATE that I am now sad every single day of my life.
So yesterday really sucked. I am still feeling pretty crappy today but made myself go out in the world. Got hit on by truly creepy TaeKwon-Do "headmaster." I know when someone flirts with you it should make you feel good, but ICK!
Got a new cellphone because the old one died. Why does every stinking activity that I do without H remind me of H, or make me wish H were there? Had to call H (bad because currently employing LRT and not pursuing) to tell him I bought the phone (his account). I could tell his cell was on but he let the call go to VM. That is like a knife to the gut. Needless to say, he will not be returning the call.
This afternoon's plan - go to coffee shop and continue re-reading DR to try to learn more and to try to get back some PMA. Also, bought a book on grieving loss. I have massive fear of abandonment and I have never addressed it. (My dad died when I was six - not long and drawn out just into the hospital on Friday and dead by Tuesday - undiagnosed lung cancer - so I did not see it coming. Spent many years telling H I was afraid he would die young, like my dad. Living self-fulling prophesy - H left me young (albeit, he did not die but still he abandoned me.))
So, it has dawned on me that part of GAL for me, in addition to taking classes, is to address my own emotional problems. Spent years relying on H to make me happy or feel better. Still want him to do it now. NOT AN OPTION!!! I hope this book will be a good starting point.
