Last night I noticed H carrying his cell phone around. Super huge "mind play" on me. I kept thinking about it. I remember doing that. Made me start thinking about other things that H has been doing and questioning them.
Hi Didi,
I did this right after I found out about my WAW's EA. I held the phone all night and kept flipping it open and closing it. I'd punch a few buttons then close it back. I was trying to replace the picture of my W on my phone. Due to my emotional state I couldn't do it that night, but I have managed to do it since.
My W asked me who I was sending TM's to. I told her I wasn't sending TM's to anyone. Then I asked her why should it bother her if I was. She answered, "It just would."
I didn't ask her why it would.
She also wanted to know with whom I had been chatting. Again, it was no one. I fired off a rapid succession of emails to my oldest son from my first marriage, but I didn't even have a chat client installed on my computer. My W knew this but said she thought I might have installed one that day. Again I asked why it should bother her or be any of her business, she just stared at me for a moment then walked away.
I believe it would have helped alleviate some of her guilt (if she had felt any) had I also been guilty of something at the time. Since then, I believe she's given up any guilt and has managed to place all the blame for our failed marriage squarely on my shoulders.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
These are the things the cheaters deal with eventually.....realizing that it could be done to us now.
I know that's something I feared for over a year, and finally she got more than even, she got ahead. I'm not saying your H will do this, but like you, I never imagined my W would either.
Dash
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
Sugar- I'll try to check your post next. Doc- YOu're right....a little suspiciousness is good just to keep me from taking things for granted. I'm not worried about the cell any more. He really reassured me. He leaves it out all the time, etc. It's my own cheatin mind that is started to go down that path.
Dash- Thanks for posting. I totally understand all that have said that they would NEVER do this to their spouse, etc. Problem is we know it's possible now.....I was the one who would NEVER have done it. I don't want my H to have an A to alleviate my guilt...not now...but, I WAS one of those that has been described on the other threads that wanted my H to have an affair while I was...THEN, it was for alleviating guilt and justifying the fact that "we never loved each other". I'm way past that now. I'm seeing more of the pain he must have felt. The thought of him doing that now ......
Today is the day we go for our couples massages, dinner, beer, sports, and a party at a friends. It is going to be a fun night. It's one of the first nights that I have been reallllly looking forward to some intimate time together....holding hands, etc.
Last night and tonight I have been FULL of emotion. Could be time of the month, but either way, emotional. THe closer I get to my husband, the more awful I feel about what I've done. I think back to the OM and the kind of men they were and I look at my H and think how the heck did I turn from HIM and go to these guys. I risked everything. My husband said a couple weeks ago that he knows I haven't forgiven myself. Maybe he is right. The more he holds me and now I'm feeling for him and it is making me feel so awful. I'm really dealing with what I've done NOW more than ever. It's literally making me sick to myself. I think back to everything I did, the things he doesn't know about, the things I wish I never allowed myself to do.....the things I should have shared with my husband. The way I was with the OM ...now, I feel like I can't act like that around my husband because it isn't as special.....
Sorry I'm rambling today....even with these thoughts...I can tell tonight is going to be a good night. Got some really good advice from doc (from fb) and I plan on using it.
When I say that "it isn't as special" I mean that I've ruined the specialness of it by doing it with someone else. Not that I don't think my H is special.
When I say that "it isn't as special" I mean that I've ruined the specialness of it by doing it with someone else.
I struggle with this WDID. And not even the sex.....the "specialness" that was US. I'll never feel the same again. Not that we can't be happy and possibly have a better marriage than we ever had, but it'll never be special like it was.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
When I say that "it isn't as special" I mean that I've ruined the specialness of it by doing it with someone else.
I struggle with this WDID. And not even the sex.....the "specialness" that was US. I'll never feel the same again. Not that we can't be happy and possibly have a better marriage than we ever had, but it'll never be special like it was.
I understand what you both are saying. WDID, you are doing the best you can and are owning up for what you have done. Its a process and it will take time. You are an amazing woman for standing in the fire and being willing to go through that kind of pain (self realization) to keep your M. I'm sure your H sees this and I know he must ache for you. We hate to see the one we love in pain.
Have a GREAT time today/tonight. The two of you sure deserve it.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Thanks for the responses everyone. Hope, I'm thinking we will have a new kind of special, one that gets through everything together, no matter what. We take the good with the bad and we start a new relationship. I can honestly say I love him more now than I did when we first got married. He is a very special man.
Sugar, yes...time....he does feel bad for my pain. I feel more bad about what I have done than he feels mad about it. Does that make sense? He has given me the gift of forgiveness and I am having a hard time accepting it. I do and I don't. WE just need time. We're gettin there.
I think you guys are going to have an awesome time all day. Your H is so lucky to have you and that you both want this marriage to work.
I know about self doubt. No point second guessing all the time. What is done is done and now we just have to work with what we have. You are awesome and so glad that we are friends. You have done so much for everyone and you are healing yourself in the process. I am proud of you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
. Hope your night is good. You deserve it!