Dash- Thanks for posting. I totally understand all that have said that they would NEVER do this to their spouse, etc. Problem is we know it's possible now.....I was the one who would NEVER have done it. I don't want my H to have an A to alleviate my guilt...not now...but, I WAS one of those that has been described on the other threads that wanted my H to have an affair while I was...THEN, it was for alleviating guilt and justifying the fact that "we never loved each other". I'm way past that now. I'm seeing more of the pain he must have felt. The thought of him doing that now ......
Today is the day we go for our couples massages, dinner, beer, sports, and a party at a friends. It is going to be a fun night. It's one of the first nights that I have been reallllly looking forward to some intimate time together....holding hands, etc.
Last night and tonight I have been FULL of emotion. Could be time of the month, but either way, emotional. THe closer I get to my husband, the more awful I feel about what I've done. I think back to the OM and the kind of men they were and I look at my H and think how the heck did I turn from HIM and go to these guys. I risked everything. My husband said a couple weeks ago that he knows I haven't forgiven myself. Maybe he is right. The more he holds me and now I'm feeling for him and it is making me feel so awful. I'm really dealing with what I've done NOW more than ever. It's literally making me sick to myself. I think back to everything I did, the things he doesn't know about, the things I wish I never allowed myself to do.....the things I should have shared with my husband. The way I was with the OM ...now, I feel like I can't act like that around my husband because it isn't as special.....
Sorry I'm rambling today....even with these thoughts...I can tell tonight is going to be a good night. Got some really good advice from doc (from fb) and I plan on using it.
